I was thinking the other day about my elementary school. I've been back there since I've been an adult, and it is the weirdest thing that the playground seems so small, and even the bathrooms are so low to the ground. Obviously, they are made for children, but the thing is, I have been this same height since I was in 5th grade. So the playground shouldn't seem small and the sinks shouldn't seem so low to the ground. Why is it that I see things differently now?
It's the same thing with situations that I used to be faced with. How childish it seems that I used to think I would marry Travis back when I was in middle school, how weird that I dated Andy Reynolds, the guy who said "bros before hos" to me. Seriously, he said that, and I continued dating him. That just seems ridiculous now, but I didn't see that at the time. I don't mean for both of those examples to be about boys cuz that isn't the point I'm trying to make. It's just that as time goes by, you have such a different frame of mind that shapes how you look at things.
I always believed that you could only fall in love once. I believed it would only happen to me once. What that means to me is that, well in middle school, I thought I loved Travis. And in my own right, I did. But I was not truly in love with him.
Travis is the only guy I ever said I loved other than Ryan. But future experience has taught me that I didn't know what love was back then. I moved forward with what I had at that time, a working definition of love.
It just makes me think, will I someday move on and get married and think that I was not truly in love with Ryan? I guess it kind of scares me to think that I might not think that someday. I guess it would be a good thing because it would mean something better came along. But you see, I have volumes of poetry written from these past two years. I regret nothing I have said or felt or done. When I look at the poetry, that is where God has taken me for the past two years of my life. It has been quite the journey. It's something that is like, WOW God! To experience something that powerful, that real is something to behold. Of course I feel things really deeply, which is why the poetry comes out as it does. The poetry just attests to the great magnitude of God's ability to create something out of nothing. Love out of an initial annoyance.
I wouldn't want that poetry to mean something different than it means to me now. I mean, it isn't about the poetry, obviously. But if I were to fall in love with someone else someday, does that mean that I fell in love twice? And regarding the poetry, does that mean that poetry will be seen differently? I don't want to see things differently. I don't want to fall in love twice. Not for nostalgia's sake. Not for comfort's sake. Not for my sake, not for his. But for everything I am and everything I have learned that has culminated into where I am right now... I know that there is no way I will look back at this and think it wasn't real, true love. For the sake of everything that God is calling me to, I have to believe and trust that it's real and always will be. For the sake of what I feel God has for my life, I have to just be where I am and committed to that. You might call this, letting go. But letting go means saying, "God, you know that this is what I would love to happen someday. This is how I feel. But my hands are open, you can take it away. But until you take it away, I'm going to be committed to it because right now, this is where you are calling me. I'm going to hold onto it, but my hands are open for you to do Your will." So my love is a working definition, always working. The question is whether you can be committed to working on that definition together or not. And I guess someday, if things look different, at least I can say that I was committed to going forward where I was with what I had.