Thursday, April 30, 2009


“Impossible,” she said, “It can never be…unless”
“Unless?” he asked, “What do you mean?”
“I mean I need you to fix…”
“Me? Fix? What can I fix?”
“Fix this because it has to be you.
“Fix this because otherwise…”
“Otherwise what?”
“Otherwise we can never be”
“Be what?”
(“I’m saying if you want me,
You have to be a man”)
“She won’t be happy either way,
Whether we’re together or apart.”
(“but I want to be together”)
“We need a solution.
I don’t know what to do unless…”
(“unless you want me enough to be brave”)
“I don’t know.”
“You do know. Just tell me.”
(“Tell you that if you love me,
You have to do something now?
You have to say something,
You have to fix this.
You should want to fix this.”)
“Unless you say something…take action”
“ Why do you need action? I love you…”
(“Then fix this.”)
“…But we can’t be together if this tension remains…”
“That’s what I was trying to say all along!”
“Really? Then why didn’t you just say it?”

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Why Bother

It is the worst feeling to feel like you shouldn't bother doing something because you aren't good enough. It's interesting how that works. I mean sometimes being around greatness can inspire you to greatness. That's how my brother feels. He feels honored to be friends with very talented and intelligent people. It keeps him on guard to be the best he can be. I don't know, it's just hard for me because sometimes I'll think that I'm a good singer, and then I just feel so completely the opposite when I'm around others. It makes me feel like, why should I even bother? For instance, I tried out for some solos in choir, and I felt like I sang really well! But I didn't get any of them. So what does that mean for me? I also felt this way at my band practice the other night. The new members for next year were at practice, and there's a new girl who will be filling my shoes. I felt like everyone was complimenting her, and I didn't even have a place in the group. It was such a strange feeling for me. I mean, Ryan and I share music. So Sarah was sharing music with us, but it was too hard with three people on one set of music. So I just stepped away and was awkwardly positioned the whole practice. I just felt so inadequate the whole night since they were complimenting her harmonies and stuff. It made me feel like they probably don't think I'm a worthwhile member of the group because I can't harmonize like that. I felt like why should I even bother being there. I know it's ridiculous. That's the old me coming out.
But the real reason I'm bummed is because my writing hasn't been the best lately. I don't know why. I guess it's because I've lost my muse. Or perhaps I've said everything already. That scares me because what if Ryan isn't the one, and then some other guy comes along someday... will I not be able to write poetry about it because I've already said it all? If so, I mean, I wouldn't regret it because I love some of the stuff I've written. Anyway, that was not what I was meaning to write... I think the main reason that I haven't been able to write lately is because I feel like my writing is no good. When I start reading the blog from Cornerstone church and the amazing talent in writing these people have, it makes me feel like why should I bother writing because nothing I write even comes close. Jake has this gift with words that produces these descriptions that are so acute and passionate. It almost makes me jealous. I try to think that his style of writing is just different than mine; mine is more just direct and honest. That's what is so intriguing about my poetry--the directness and genuine nature of it. I don't know, that's what I always thought anyway. I've just been feeling discouraged because it feels like my dreams are being shattered as I realize that I'm just average. I never wanted to be average.
It makes me wonder whether I should even be reading that blog, if that is how it makes me feel. On the other hand, don't I want to be in the presence of greatness so it can inspire me? I don't know!!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Sun and Rain

I was looking at the grass tonight, and it was SO green. It was probably greener than I've ever seen grass before. Of course they just sprayed it with fertilizer or whatever, so that explains it. But I just got to thinking about how grass needs sun and rain to grow. If it's just rain, it will get flooded out, and of course you know what happens to those worms in the rain. It's important to keep the worms in that soil!!! But then the sun is so important for the grass to do it's photosynthesis or whatever. I'm no scientist. My point is, grass can't get by with just the sun. And it can't survive on pure rain either. For grass (or any plants?) to survive, they need the perfect balance of sun and rain.
I always try to wish away the rain in my life, but I guess it's important. If it was sunny all the time, I'd dry up and shrivel away. Or die of thirst.
I'm reminded of an interesting quote I found online by Kahlil Gibran: "We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." Do we? Does that make it my fault? And if I could do this all over again, would I? Or would I change it? Would I wish it never had happened?
All I know is that it hurts like hell. It is raining and pouring, and my worms are exploring... the pavement... where they die... and all I can do is keep praying for more worms. All you can do is have faith that the rain is making the grass green, and at the end of it all, there will still be some worms for my soil.