Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Why Bother

It is the worst feeling to feel like you shouldn't bother doing something because you aren't good enough. It's interesting how that works. I mean sometimes being around greatness can inspire you to greatness. That's how my brother feels. He feels honored to be friends with very talented and intelligent people. It keeps him on guard to be the best he can be. I don't know, it's just hard for me because sometimes I'll think that I'm a good singer, and then I just feel so completely the opposite when I'm around others. It makes me feel like, why should I even bother? For instance, I tried out for some solos in choir, and I felt like I sang really well! But I didn't get any of them. So what does that mean for me? I also felt this way at my band practice the other night. The new members for next year were at practice, and there's a new girl who will be filling my shoes. I felt like everyone was complimenting her, and I didn't even have a place in the group. It was such a strange feeling for me. I mean, Ryan and I share music. So Sarah was sharing music with us, but it was too hard with three people on one set of music. So I just stepped away and was awkwardly positioned the whole practice. I just felt so inadequate the whole night since they were complimenting her harmonies and stuff. It made me feel like they probably don't think I'm a worthwhile member of the group because I can't harmonize like that. I felt like why should I even bother being there. I know it's ridiculous. That's the old me coming out.
But the real reason I'm bummed is because my writing hasn't been the best lately. I don't know why. I guess it's because I've lost my muse. Or perhaps I've said everything already. That scares me because what if Ryan isn't the one, and then some other guy comes along someday... will I not be able to write poetry about it because I've already said it all? If so, I mean, I wouldn't regret it because I love some of the stuff I've written. Anyway, that was not what I was meaning to write... I think the main reason that I haven't been able to write lately is because I feel like my writing is no good. When I start reading the blog from Cornerstone church and the amazing talent in writing these people have, it makes me feel like why should I bother writing because nothing I write even comes close. Jake has this gift with words that produces these descriptions that are so acute and passionate. It almost makes me jealous. I try to think that his style of writing is just different than mine; mine is more just direct and honest. That's what is so intriguing about my poetry--the directness and genuine nature of it. I don't know, that's what I always thought anyway. I've just been feeling discouraged because it feels like my dreams are being shattered as I realize that I'm just average. I never wanted to be average.
It makes me wonder whether I should even be reading that blog, if that is how it makes me feel. On the other hand, don't I want to be in the presence of greatness so it can inspire me? I don't know!!

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