Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Create in me a clean heart, O God,
cuz something in me is waiting to restart.
You wiped out everything, everything,
and now I know why the caged bird sings.
It's a loss that I can no longer control,
feeling the strength of his absence in this black hole,
and wondering why I still have to wait
when I'm not sure if You govern by so-called fate.
Forty days that have seemed an eternity long,
being silenced when we haven't finished our song.
Are you writing the verse, perfecting the melody,
as I wait on this mountain for the leveling of the sea?
I have to believe that You can fix anything.
I have to believe that I can ask You anything
because separation from him is unlike anything,
and I believe You have created everything.
Because of You, I know that I am free,
so renew a right spirit within me.
It's because of You that I love him, and because I love him,
I want to abandon ship, but I can't swim.
They say if it doesn't come back once you've let it go,
then it was never really yours to hold.
So what does it mean when I continue to yearn,
in every moment, for his heart to return?
While his heart wishes for some clear sign
that his will and Yours are in line,
I wonder and I wait for him to run through the wall for me.
God, please make it happen, please make him see
that everything You have created is good--
that apart, we can't do as much as together we could.
I have to believe that You will fix this heart.
I have to believe that You have crafted this heart--
that You alone design love that makes me give my heart,
because something in me is waiting to restart.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Picture Me

I picture your eyes
wishing they could stare into mine,
while secretly catching a glance
of my hair blowing in the wind.
I picture your smile
as you think of my laugh,
and those times we stayed up
all night talking about nothing.
I picture you--
not knowing what to do,
not knowing what's okay,
only knowing that you love me.
I see you running because it's too much,
and there's too much risk.
Cuz we have so much love...
and it's just too scary.
But then I picture me--
telling you that there's so much to lose
if we don't live out our love story
that God has given us.
And even though you have to win the trust
that you lost when you left again,
it's worth it.
You know we're worth it.
I picture me grabbing your hand,
I say, “Baby, what we have is real. Don't give up.”
And you smile and say, “I'm all in.
Please just give me one last chance.”
But all I see is the back of your head,
as you walk the other direction
trying not to picture how you'd grab my hand,
how you'd say you love me in 50 languages,
how you'd fight for my heart...
if only you thought it was okay.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Seeing Things Differently

I was thinking the other day about my elementary school. I've been back there since I've been an adult, and it is the weirdest thing that the playground seems so small, and even the bathrooms are so low to the ground. Obviously, they are made for children, but the thing is, I have been this same height since I was in 5th grade. So the playground shouldn't seem small and the sinks shouldn't seem so low to the ground. Why is it that I see things differently now?
It's the same thing with situations that I used to be faced with. How childish it seems that I used to think I would marry Travis back when I was in middle school, how weird that I dated Andy Reynolds, the guy who said "bros before hos" to me. Seriously, he said that, and I continued dating him. That just seems ridiculous now, but I didn't see that at the time. I don't mean for both of those examples to be about boys cuz that isn't the point I'm trying to make. It's just that as time goes by, you have such a different frame of mind that shapes how you look at things.
I always believed that you could only fall in love once. I believed it would only happen to me once. What that means to me is that, well in middle school, I thought I loved Travis. And in my own right, I did. But I was not truly in love with him.
Travis is the only guy I ever said I loved other than Ryan. But future experience has taught me that I didn't know what love was back then. I moved forward with what I had at that time, a working definition of love.
It just makes me think, will I someday move on and get married and think that I was not truly in love with Ryan? I guess it kind of scares me to think that I might not think that someday. I guess it would be a good thing because it would mean something better came along. But you see, I have volumes of poetry written from these past two years. I regret nothing I have said or felt or done. When I look at the poetry, that is where God has taken me for the past two years of my life. It has been quite the journey. It's something that is like, WOW God! To experience something that powerful, that real is something to behold. Of course I feel things really deeply, which is why the poetry comes out as it does. The poetry just attests to the great magnitude of God's ability to create something out of nothing. Love out of an initial annoyance.
I wouldn't want that poetry to mean something different than it means to me now. I mean, it isn't about the poetry, obviously. But if I were to fall in love with someone else someday, does that mean that I fell in love twice? And regarding the poetry, does that mean that poetry will be seen differently? I don't want to see things differently. I don't want to fall in love twice. Not for nostalgia's sake. Not for comfort's sake. Not for my sake, not for his. But for everything I am and everything I have learned that has culminated into where I am right now... I know that there is no way I will look back at this and think it wasn't real, true love. For the sake of everything that God is calling me to, I have to believe and trust that it's real and always will be. For the sake of what I feel God has for my life, I have to just be where I am and committed to that. You might call this, letting go. But letting go means saying, "God, you know that this is what I would love to happen someday. This is how I feel. But my hands are open, you can take it away. But until you take it away, I'm going to be committed to it because right now, this is where you are calling me. I'm going to hold onto it, but my hands are open for you to do Your will." So my love is a working definition, always working. The question is whether you can be committed to working on that definition together or not. And I guess someday, if things look different, at least I can say that I was committed to going forward where I was with what I had.