How do I see God? That's what Betsy asked me. And frankly, I don't know. I could make up an answer so that Betsy doesn't know that my mind is absolutely blank right now, but instead, I just tell her that I don't know. But that's not really okay... so I went to bed that night, and as I was praying, I started to tell God how I saw him. And then I decided I wanted to write it down, so I got up and grabbed some paper. Since I like to reuse paper, I grab some papers with the blank side facing up, and I turned them over to see what they were, and all of them were Psalm 46. Be still and know that I am God. So I decide to write on the front of them instead of the back.
-How do I see God?
-My God created the universe from nothingness.
-My God always was, always is, and always will be.
-My God is sovereign, even the wind obeys Him.
-My God is mighty to save. He doesn't just reach out his hand; He grabs me and says, "I will not let you fall!"
-My God is in love with me. He is the best boyfriend--no others can compare.
-My God is not dependent on me. But he graciously offers me a role in his work in reconciling the world.
-Apart from my God, there is no life. He offers the living water to the whole world.
-My God chased after me into a pig sty and kissed my hand because He saw more in me than just a garbage collector. My God says, "you have worth in me."
-My God hung on a cross and forgave me as I stood mocking him.
-My God breaks things so that we can see His grace in the healing.
-My God asks me to trust His will for my life. Sometimes I don't know what that means. I want to follow Him, but what does He want me to do?
After reflecting on how I see God, I felt fully confident in who my God is. So I went downstairs to hang these things on the wall, and as I hung them, I felt God saying to me, "Abide in me." This gave me so much peace. It's like, whether I decided to keep on with the IV internship or if I decided to quit, it's okay either way. God can do something good out of either decision. God was giving me a choice here. And in whatever decision I make, if I abide in Him, I will be in His will. I didn't know yet whether I would or wouldn't continue with the internship, but I told Betsy about it the next day. We talked for a long time, but it was clear that God was asking me to follow through with my commitment. It wasn't about the fact that I had made the commitment, and I HAD to get through it. No, it was obedience that God was calling me to. I usually follow Him halfway and then think that's enough, but I decided that I wanted to follow through to do the entire year of the internship.
It was an awesome last few days as God changed my heart to make me joyfully desire to serve Him through this internship instead of just dragging through it because I "have to." I think things may continue to be a struggle sometimes, but after hearing from God, I am much more confident in knowing that He really is with me.