Thursday, October 8, 2009

falling apart or falling together

     Sometimes when I write poetry, I come up with one line that the rest of the poem is really centered around. It's like, the entire poem was meant to culminate in that one line, such as "in my life, you are the poetry." It's like the perfect clincher statement. So naturally I love songs that have thought provoking statements to end with. The song "Closing Time" came on the radio this morning on my way to work, and I was reminded of one of my favorite clincher statements: "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
     That's how my life is feeling lately. I am at such a new beginning of my life, which is really great, but also really sucks. I have lost certain things that meant so much, such as my relationship with Ryan, my youth group involvement, and my life at LVC. Which just plain sucks. But the beauty of it all is that while I can be falling apart, I'm being remade. New beginnings are exciting... but something has to end in order for that something new to begin. And I hate that because I really like to hold onto things forever.
     Reminds me of one of my poems, written in Aug of 2008... "The moment when I realize that you are where I began and not where I begin, that is when I can truly start again." How liberating it is to be in a place where all the stuff you thought were la creme de la creme really weren't all that perfect to begin with! On one hand, it makes me question myself and my judgment. But it's also just amazing as a reminder that God is so much bigger and better than all these things that I thought were so great. It's humbling to be reminded that God has better things in mind, and I don't have it all figured out, but He does!
     I could fight about it all I want: "But God, I love Ryan! He loves me! Why isn't that enough?!" "But God, LVC is where I belong, and I don't want to be anywhere else!" "But God, I just found this youth group that I love! THAT is where I most feel your presence!" But here I am in a new place. That was then, and this is now. And I don't want to sound too "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" because cheesy things like that bother me. And that kind of answer does NOT comfort someone. But I do want to praise God for these chapters in my life, even though they are over. And I praise God that endings mean new beginnings! Praise God that I can give up that fight, let it go, move on.
     I think if I were to write a poem right now, the clincher statement would be something about how falling apart and falling together go hand in hand. Once you fall apart, you realize that you are beginning to fall together in a much more amazing way than you ever were before. Maybe being on the brink of falling apart is exactly where God wants to meet me.

No comments: