When I got to Lancaster to start the Sidewalks Project, I admit, I had a really bad attitude about it. It made me really mad to think about not talking on the phone for a month or being on the internet when I wanted to. I like my freedom. So what happened was I moved into Bret and Betsy's house (IV staff) in Lancaster with 4 other girls. We had orientation for a few days just to start understanding why we were here. We got to meet some of Bret and Betsy's friends, which was really cool. Some of their friends intentionally live in the city, and we got to hear about their lives and their faith that has led them to Lancaster.
This week I am working at Lutheran Refugee Services with one of the other girls. It's a great place to be. The people who work here are wonderful. Sarah, the other girl I'm working with here, just started an ESL class for the kids of the recent refugees. We had the first class yesterday, and there were 9 kids there, ages 4-16. They were all Chin Burmese except for 2 Iraqi kids. They knew more English than we thought, we were ready to start with "hello, my name is" but they knew that stuff already pretty much! Then we did cute stuff like teaching them action verbs by actually doing the stuff. Dance, stop! Run, stop! Run fast! Run slow! hehehe But the cool thing was seeing these cases we had heard about turn into real people. I suddenly saw how important the work here at LRS is. Today I'm working at the front desk, which is scary because I have to answer phones and figure out the phone system. But the good thing is I get to blog!! The other girls are working at Water Street Rescue Mission.
Next week, I'm going to Philly for VISTA training for my actual job at Tabor Community Services, and I will start there the following week (29th). It has been interesting seeing God in new ways. I feel like people in the city are much more friendly than in the suburbs (at least where I live). But I guess you encounter people differently in the city than you do in the suburbs. When you're in a suburb, you see people at WalMart or Turkey Hill... but here, you see people on the streets or sitting on their porches.
Last Sunday, we went to a church called In The Streets. It was very charismatic, and I am not used to things like that. The church was very diverse culturally, which was cool to see. A really awesome thing was that the guy who leads the youth came up front with his wife and talking about how they are taking the youth to a retreat this week, and the pastor said how the guy wasn't going to get paid time off his job... so the pastor decides right there that he is going to give them $100 to help pay their bills. Then he asked for 9 other volunteers to do the same, and people just started raising their hands! I couldn't imagine people in my church being so generous. The wife was crying because she was just so touched. It was really awesome. BUT they had a prayer time at the end, and we saw some guy like convulsing as someone prayed for him, then he collapsed on the ground. I didn't know what was happening to the guy. Anyway we are going to a different cross-cultural church every week, which will be really cool.
God is challenging me to see everyone as His children--the homeless, the refugee, the business man. We come back to that who the hell do I think I am statement. It has just been interesting living here with everyone because no one makes fun of me for putting toothpaste on my pimples at night or wearing 3 braids at night to make my hair curly. I'm not used to people not making fun of me. Even when it is in jest, I still get made fun of.
OH we watched the movie Amistad last night, and it was WOW! There was some nudity I def could have done without, but what a fantastic movie. It is about slaves in Africa who led an uprising on the ship when they were being brought to America. There was a guy translating English to Mende for the lawyer, and the lawyer said something about "what I should have said," and the translator said, "I can't translate that. We don't have should in our language, either you do something or you don't." Then the African man who was imprisoned said, "What kind of a place is this where you almost mean what you say? Where laws almost work? How can you live like that?" I thought those quotes were really interesting.
Alright, I guess that's all for now.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Psalm 9
I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart - I don't want to hold back anymore. And I don't want any more conditions or ways I think you should be loving me. I just want to let you love me and allow myself to love you in return.
I will tell of Your marvelous works - I want to live my life in light of Your majesty, especially with my family and those with whom it is easy to be comfortable without intentionality in our interactions.
I will be glad and rejoice in You - when things don't make sense. When it is easy to just get angry at people, I will choose to look to You and rejoice in You, knowing that You are taking care of me.
I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High - because I am nothing without You. I will praise Your name, not my own. Give to God what is God's... and that's everything. That's all of me. You deserve all of it.
Do not let man prevail. Put them in fear, O Lord, that the nations may know themselves to be but men - who am I? Not because of who I am, but because of who you are. Oh God, ask us, " Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, that an abundance of water may cover you?"
I will praise You with my whole heart, I will tell of Your marvelous works, I will be glad and rejoice in You, I will sing praise to Your name - because You alone are worthy, and I cannot even stand without your strength soaring through my heart, my veins, my muscles - without Your breath of life granting me the honor of praising Your holy name.
I will tell of Your marvelous works - I want to live my life in light of Your majesty, especially with my family and those with whom it is easy to be comfortable without intentionality in our interactions.
I will be glad and rejoice in You - when things don't make sense. When it is easy to just get angry at people, I will choose to look to You and rejoice in You, knowing that You are taking care of me.
I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High - because I am nothing without You. I will praise Your name, not my own. Give to God what is God's... and that's everything. That's all of me. You deserve all of it.
Do not let man prevail. Put them in fear, O Lord, that the nations may know themselves to be but men - who am I? Not because of who I am, but because of who you are. Oh God, ask us, " Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, that an abundance of water may cover you?"
I will praise You with my whole heart, I will tell of Your marvelous works, I will be glad and rejoice in You, I will sing praise to Your name - because You alone are worthy, and I cannot even stand without your strength soaring through my heart, my veins, my muscles - without Your breath of life granting me the honor of praising Your holy name.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Unless
“Impossible,” she said, “It can never be…unless”
“Unless?” he asked, “What do you mean?”
“I mean I need you to fix…”
“Me? Fix? What can I fix?”
“Fix this because it has to be you.
“Fix this because otherwise…”
“Otherwise what?”
“Otherwise we can never be”
“Be what?”
(“I’m saying if you want me,
You have to be a man”)
“She won’t be happy either way,
Whether we’re together or apart.”
(“but I want to be together”)
“We need a solution.
I don’t know what to do unless…”
(“unless you want me enough to be brave”)
“I don’t know.”
“You do know. Just tell me.”
(“Tell you that if you love me,
You have to do something now?
You have to say something,
You have to fix this.
You should want to fix this.”)
“Unless you say something…take action”
“ Why do you need action? I love you…”
(“Then fix this.”)
“…But we can’t be together if this tension remains…”
“That’s what I was trying to say all along!”
“Really? Then why didn’t you just say it?”
“Unless?” he asked, “What do you mean?”
“I mean I need you to fix…”
“Me? Fix? What can I fix?”
“Fix this because it has to be you.
“Fix this because otherwise…”
“Otherwise what?”
“Otherwise we can never be”
“Be what?”
(“I’m saying if you want me,
You have to be a man”)
“She won’t be happy either way,
Whether we’re together or apart.”
(“but I want to be together”)
“We need a solution.
I don’t know what to do unless…”
(“unless you want me enough to be brave”)
“I don’t know.”
“You do know. Just tell me.”
(“Tell you that if you love me,
You have to do something now?
You have to say something,
You have to fix this.
You should want to fix this.”)
“Unless you say something…take action”
“ Why do you need action? I love you…”
(“Then fix this.”)
“…But we can’t be together if this tension remains…”
“That’s what I was trying to say all along!”
“Really? Then why didn’t you just say it?”
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Why Bother
It is the worst feeling to feel like you shouldn't bother doing something because you aren't good enough. It's interesting how that works. I mean sometimes being around greatness can inspire you to greatness. That's how my brother feels. He feels honored to be friends with very talented and intelligent people. It keeps him on guard to be the best he can be. I don't know, it's just hard for me because sometimes I'll think that I'm a good singer, and then I just feel so completely the opposite when I'm around others. It makes me feel like, why should I even bother? For instance, I tried out for some solos in choir, and I felt like I sang really well! But I didn't get any of them. So what does that mean for me? I also felt this way at my band practice the other night. The new members for next year were at practice, and there's a new girl who will be filling my shoes. I felt like everyone was complimenting her, and I didn't even have a place in the group. It was such a strange feeling for me. I mean, Ryan and I share music. So Sarah was sharing music with us, but it was too hard with three people on one set of music. So I just stepped away and was awkwardly positioned the whole practice. I just felt so inadequate the whole night since they were complimenting her harmonies and stuff. It made me feel like they probably don't think I'm a worthwhile member of the group because I can't harmonize like that. I felt like why should I even bother being there. I know it's ridiculous. That's the old me coming out.
But the real reason I'm bummed is because my writing hasn't been the best lately. I don't know why. I guess it's because I've lost my muse. Or perhaps I've said everything already. That scares me because what if Ryan isn't the one, and then some other guy comes along someday... will I not be able to write poetry about it because I've already said it all? If so, I mean, I wouldn't regret it because I love some of the stuff I've written. Anyway, that was not what I was meaning to write... I think the main reason that I haven't been able to write lately is because I feel like my writing is no good. When I start reading the blog from Cornerstone church and the amazing talent in writing these people have, it makes me feel like why should I bother writing because nothing I write even comes close. Jake has this gift with words that produces these descriptions that are so acute and passionate. It almost makes me jealous. I try to think that his style of writing is just different than mine; mine is more just direct and honest. That's what is so intriguing about my poetry--the directness and genuine nature of it. I don't know, that's what I always thought anyway. I've just been feeling discouraged because it feels like my dreams are being shattered as I realize that I'm just average. I never wanted to be average.
It makes me wonder whether I should even be reading that blog, if that is how it makes me feel. On the other hand, don't I want to be in the presence of greatness so it can inspire me? I don't know!!
But the real reason I'm bummed is because my writing hasn't been the best lately. I don't know why. I guess it's because I've lost my muse. Or perhaps I've said everything already. That scares me because what if Ryan isn't the one, and then some other guy comes along someday... will I not be able to write poetry about it because I've already said it all? If so, I mean, I wouldn't regret it because I love some of the stuff I've written. Anyway, that was not what I was meaning to write... I think the main reason that I haven't been able to write lately is because I feel like my writing is no good. When I start reading the blog from Cornerstone church and the amazing talent in writing these people have, it makes me feel like why should I bother writing because nothing I write even comes close. Jake has this gift with words that produces these descriptions that are so acute and passionate. It almost makes me jealous. I try to think that his style of writing is just different than mine; mine is more just direct and honest. That's what is so intriguing about my poetry--the directness and genuine nature of it. I don't know, that's what I always thought anyway. I've just been feeling discouraged because it feels like my dreams are being shattered as I realize that I'm just average. I never wanted to be average.
It makes me wonder whether I should even be reading that blog, if that is how it makes me feel. On the other hand, don't I want to be in the presence of greatness so it can inspire me? I don't know!!
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Sun and Rain
I was looking at the grass tonight, and it was SO green. It was probably greener than I've ever seen grass before. Of course they just sprayed it with fertilizer or whatever, so that explains it. But I just got to thinking about how grass needs sun and rain to grow. If it's just rain, it will get flooded out, and of course you know what happens to those worms in the rain. It's important to keep the worms in that soil!!! But then the sun is so important for the grass to do it's photosynthesis or whatever. I'm no scientist. My point is, grass can't get by with just the sun. And it can't survive on pure rain either. For grass (or any plants?) to survive, they need the perfect balance of sun and rain.
I always try to wish away the rain in my life, but I guess it's important. If it was sunny all the time, I'd dry up and shrivel away. Or die of thirst.
I'm reminded of an interesting quote I found online by Kahlil Gibran: "We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." Do we? Does that make it my fault? And if I could do this all over again, would I? Or would I change it? Would I wish it never had happened?
All I know is that it hurts like hell. It is raining and pouring, and my worms are exploring... the pavement... where they die... and all I can do is keep praying for more worms. All you can do is have faith that the rain is making the grass green, and at the end of it all, there will still be some worms for my soil.
I always try to wish away the rain in my life, but I guess it's important. If it was sunny all the time, I'd dry up and shrivel away. Or die of thirst.
I'm reminded of an interesting quote I found online by Kahlil Gibran: "We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." Do we? Does that make it my fault? And if I could do this all over again, would I? Or would I change it? Would I wish it never had happened?
All I know is that it hurts like hell. It is raining and pouring, and my worms are exploring... the pavement... where they die... and all I can do is keep praying for more worms. All you can do is have faith that the rain is making the grass green, and at the end of it all, there will still be some worms for my soil.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Silliness
When I was in 9th grade, I was dating this guy named Ben. We were dating at the end of the school year, and then the summer came around. All of a sudden, it seemed like everytime I called him, he was busy playing basketball. His parents said they would have him call, but he never called! So I just figured, Ben must not like me anymore. Then last summer, I met a guy at work, and we realized we had a mutual friend in Ben. I learned that this guy was the one playing basketball with Ben! I know this is totally random, but I was thinking about this the other day, and it made me smile. It was kind of a strange emotion because I really just experienced God's goodness when thinking about that memory.
That's weird, right? But on the other hand, why is it so weird to experience God in things like that? Actually, when I reminisce about the past, it is often an outpouring of praise for God's goodness. Sometimes it's a praise that He has taken me so far and taught me so much since that time, but other times it's just His glory made manifest in the innocence and silliness of my teenage years.
You remember me mentioning Cole and Jozay, my middle schoolers who started dating? Well, Jozay broke up with Cole because "he was just so weird... he dances all the time!" That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. I see God in that so much. God's glory shines in the innocence of middle schoolers. Someday, I pray that Jozay will look back on breaking up with Cole because of his incessant dancing and praise God for the silliness.
That's weird, right? But on the other hand, why is it so weird to experience God in things like that? Actually, when I reminisce about the past, it is often an outpouring of praise for God's goodness. Sometimes it's a praise that He has taken me so far and taught me so much since that time, but other times it's just His glory made manifest in the innocence and silliness of my teenage years.
You remember me mentioning Cole and Jozay, my middle schoolers who started dating? Well, Jozay broke up with Cole because "he was just so weird... he dances all the time!" That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. I see God in that so much. God's glory shines in the innocence of middle schoolers. Someday, I pray that Jozay will look back on breaking up with Cole because of his incessant dancing and praise God for the silliness.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Junior Highers
I just got back last night from a junior high retreat with the youth group at my church. It was a really great weekend, and I really enjoyed getting to know the junior highers more. Relating to junior highers is way different than senior highers. In senior high, kids are more set in who they are. I'm closer to that age, so I can really be open with them and give advice that they can understand and relate to. With junior high, the kids are so innocent. I know they aren't as innocent as I like to pretend, but they haven't experienced a lot of things that really define a person.
I had a lot of conversations this weekend with the girls about the boys they like, and it was really sweet to hear the one girl get excited about hugging the guy she just recently started dating. Cole and Jozay started dating on Thursday night after youth group. Sam called Cole and asked him out for Jozay, and he said that Jozay needed to call herself because if they couldn't talk directly, things just wouldn't work out. So Jozay called, with Sam still on the line, and they had a three-way phone conversation that resulted in Jozay and Cole getting together.
Junior high is a really cool age because people are so innocent. I mean how simple of a fact is it that if Jozay can't talk to Cole directly, things won't work out, but it is one of those simple truths that we sometimes forget when we're older. With their fresh minds, they know these things so Cole makes sure that he and Jozay are able to actually talk. What would be the point of dating if you aren't actually going to talk to the person? Now that we're older, things just seem so much more complicated. Granted, there is a lot more stuff to communicate when we're talking about a person we want to spend our lives with or whatever. But sometimes we can't really communicate how we feel to that person. Did we forget how you have to be able to communicate to make a relationship work?
The girls were telling me lots of stories about a missions trip they had all gone on. They had a lot of fun stories like how one girl wouldn't get up off the floor, so another girl sat on her. I feel like it is this kind of conversations that really make you closer to a person because you are seeing their personality. I know it isn't that deep, but those stories are the day-in and day-out occurrences that made that person smile. With stories like that, you could never run out of things to talk about.
In fact, I was just thinking about how my roommate Joy and I have conversations about silly, little things like when you know you're expecting your period, so you're hyper sensitive all the time, thinking that you just got it. Sorry that's kind of gross, but it made me smile when I thought about that conversation because it was just so random and trivial, but it made me feel close to Joy.
There's something about the innocence of a junior higher that strikes me because I love those little stories, and I love getting excited about hugging a boy. That's actually why I told Sam it is okay if she changes her mind about who she likes. If she likes one guy on Friday and changes her mind to like another boy on Saturday, that's okay. They have a lot to learn, that's for sure. But to see the way that Cole can know that if you're dating someone, you need to be able to communicate... well, as simple as it sounds, it's so true. He's going to grow and build on that, and it's cool to see that he has a solid foundation to build on.
That's what impacting junior highers is all about because junior high is the foundation. I know we tend to remember our middle school experience as something we wouldn't want to do again, and we were so silly chasing after boys all the time and whatever... but that innocence that they have is something to be treasured. I really value the opportunity to be a person that the kids can look up to and trust because as much as I can impact them, they are impacting me in ways that no other experience can do. God is really working at PBIC, and it just makes me so excited sometimes that I want to roll around in a field of wildflowers or sing at the top of my lungs so that everyone could hear how amazing God is!
I had a lot of conversations this weekend with the girls about the boys they like, and it was really sweet to hear the one girl get excited about hugging the guy she just recently started dating. Cole and Jozay started dating on Thursday night after youth group. Sam called Cole and asked him out for Jozay, and he said that Jozay needed to call herself because if they couldn't talk directly, things just wouldn't work out. So Jozay called, with Sam still on the line, and they had a three-way phone conversation that resulted in Jozay and Cole getting together.
Junior high is a really cool age because people are so innocent. I mean how simple of a fact is it that if Jozay can't talk to Cole directly, things won't work out, but it is one of those simple truths that we sometimes forget when we're older. With their fresh minds, they know these things so Cole makes sure that he and Jozay are able to actually talk. What would be the point of dating if you aren't actually going to talk to the person? Now that we're older, things just seem so much more complicated. Granted, there is a lot more stuff to communicate when we're talking about a person we want to spend our lives with or whatever. But sometimes we can't really communicate how we feel to that person. Did we forget how you have to be able to communicate to make a relationship work?
The girls were telling me lots of stories about a missions trip they had all gone on. They had a lot of fun stories like how one girl wouldn't get up off the floor, so another girl sat on her. I feel like it is this kind of conversations that really make you closer to a person because you are seeing their personality. I know it isn't that deep, but those stories are the day-in and day-out occurrences that made that person smile. With stories like that, you could never run out of things to talk about.
In fact, I was just thinking about how my roommate Joy and I have conversations about silly, little things like when you know you're expecting your period, so you're hyper sensitive all the time, thinking that you just got it. Sorry that's kind of gross, but it made me smile when I thought about that conversation because it was just so random and trivial, but it made me feel close to Joy.
There's something about the innocence of a junior higher that strikes me because I love those little stories, and I love getting excited about hugging a boy. That's actually why I told Sam it is okay if she changes her mind about who she likes. If she likes one guy on Friday and changes her mind to like another boy on Saturday, that's okay. They have a lot to learn, that's for sure. But to see the way that Cole can know that if you're dating someone, you need to be able to communicate... well, as simple as it sounds, it's so true. He's going to grow and build on that, and it's cool to see that he has a solid foundation to build on.
That's what impacting junior highers is all about because junior high is the foundation. I know we tend to remember our middle school experience as something we wouldn't want to do again, and we were so silly chasing after boys all the time and whatever... but that innocence that they have is something to be treasured. I really value the opportunity to be a person that the kids can look up to and trust because as much as I can impact them, they are impacting me in ways that no other experience can do. God is really working at PBIC, and it just makes me so excited sometimes that I want to roll around in a field of wildflowers or sing at the top of my lungs so that everyone could hear how amazing God is!
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