the cost of freedom

        It costs me $10 for a soccer ball. I can afford that. But a $10 soccer ball is affordable because it is hand-stitched by slave labor. If I want a soccer ball that is guaranteed to be made by free labor, it costs $30. And it is so damn hard to choose a $30 soccer ball when you have the option of the $10 soccer ball.

        It's the same problem with free range chicken eggs. We would rather pay $1.50 for a dozen eggs of chickens who are cramped in coops rather than paying $3.50 for free range chicken eggs that come from chickens who have been raised in a healthy, sustainable manner. Well, it's not the same problem. But it's still shortsightedness that cripples the future moving towards healthier practices.

        What is the cost of freedom? It's a $30 soccer ball, for starters.

        But even I, who care so much about human rights, have trouble buying the $30 soccer ball. I bought my soccer ball before I knew that my $10 soccer ball was made by slave labor, and I have trouble even looking at it. It's tainted. It's like stealing. 27 million people in forced labor around the world even though slavery is illegal everywhere. 15 million children in slavery. Making clothes, soccer balls, and bricks for me. I'm not saying that I can solve it. I'm not saying that me choosing the $30 soccer ball is going to eradicate this evil of modern-day slavery. But it's me taking a stand in whatever way that I can. It's taking a stand for justice.

        It's easy to be apathetic about something that seems so far away--something that we don't have to see every day. But it breaks my heart to know that I benefit from the injustice in this world. I don't even have words for it... it's one of those things that just silences you because it's such a huge ache on my heart. A blog I stumbled across once while researching slavery seemed to say it best:

"Of my own ambition I would never think to become a living sacrifice for those in need, but Christ bears in me a love for the broken that breaks me deeper day by day. His divine invitation to dine with Him has introduced me to His heart. During our conversations He speaks of the physically poor and abused, the mentally impaired and deceived, the emotionally neglected and bankrupt, and the spiritually asleep as if His joy depends on healing every one of us. The longer I linger with Him, the more my joy depends on it, too...
Oh Christ, bear in us strength in our weakness by granting us faith in our fear and hope in our hurting and purpose in the pain as we face injustice, in order that we wouldn't lose heart. May Your power be made perfect in our weakness as we step out in the measure of faith You have given us to be Your hands and feet. Go before us to loose the chains of injustice, to set the oppressed free, to shelter the wanderer, to clothe the naked, and to provide for the poor not only physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - which are of eternal importance. We ache not to build our castles in the sand that today stand and tomorrow fall, but to further Your Kingdom that will come tomorrow and stand for eternity.
Oh, haste the day! I live for it! But until then I will ache. And though my heart feels so heavy I count the weight as a blessing ordained by God instead of a burden as long as every ounce serves to motivate me to abolish injustice and continues to inspire me deeper into the precious heart of Christ.”

What is the cost of freedom? I think it's being willing to give up some of our own freedom to face these things, though it's hard to hear. All I know is that as I dig deeper into God's heart, there's no way to avoid God''s deep desire to set the captives free. I don't have a solution of how to make this happen, but I know that I want to, have to be a part of loosing the chains of injustice.

Shift 09

        Going into our fall conference this past weekend, I was really excited BUT, also, really nervous about not getting enough sleep.That sounds weird, right? I mean who worries excessively about stuff like that? That's what God said to me this weekend... he's like, seriously, Jess, seriously?? So me, being, most likely, the only person excessively worrying about not getting enough sleep over the weekend, barely slept at all Friday night. For some reason, I just couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for a few hours, cried about it, then tossed and turned some more. I think I slept for about two hours. I had to nap in the afternoon (for another two hours). Then I was looking forward to going to bed really early on Saturday night (plus getting an hour for daylight savings), but that didn't happen either. We ended up having a Millersville leader's meeting that went until after 2 AM. Something that Betsy said this weekend really rang true for me, and it wasn't even in reference to me and my lack of sleep; Betsy said that there are better things that this weekend has to offer than sleep. Which brings me back to what God thought of my excessive worrying about not getting enough sleep: "Seriously, Jess, seriously? You think not getting enough sleep is such a huge deal? Well, in that case, I'm going to NOT give you enough sleep. And you will STILL be okay." Touché, God, touché.

        So Shift consisted of the South Central area InterVarsity chapters: Millersville, F&M, Elizabethtown, Dickinson, York, Penn State Harrisburg, and LVC (but no one came from LVC!). There were 60-70 students, I think. I forget. It was a really great time to spend with Millersville students, meet new students from the other schools, and lead with other staff (aka my wonderful friends). The speaker was a friend of Bret's, Nick Peterson, who is just a really awesome man of God. It was a really challenging weekend for all the students and for me.

        I saw God working all the students. I was blessed to be a part of the worship team. We had a practice session about a week or so before Shift, and I was just struck by this awesome opportunity to worship God with those who have quickly become some of my best friends. It's what heaven must be like: 24/7 of worship team with Betsy, Jesse, Evan, Megan, and of course, George. As part of the worship team, I was able to see how God was working in the students. They sang with such passion and just seemed so open to hearing what God had to say to them.

   
      Shift is a chance for students (and staff) to hear how God is calling them to make a shift in their lives. At the end of the conference, the students were given an invitation: accept Jesus for the first time, make an adult decision to follow Christ (claim their faith as their own instead of their parents), or committing something they have or hold precious to God. So many students went up there to write on a post it note. A few accept Christ for the first time, many others chose to claim their faith as their own, and tons of students wanted to go deeper and give more of themselves to God. How incredible!

        Another activity that we had as a response after hearing about John 8, the adulterous woman that the pharisees wanted to stone. Nick paints the picture of this woman who was caught in the act of adultery, meaning she was probably naked or half naked. And everyone knew about this sin. He contrasted this with the way we like to cover up our sins. As a response to this lesson, we had black posterboard that students could write down the sins they felt needed to be exposed. Jesus gave no condemnation to this woman, so we can make a shift from shame ---> no condemnation. Well, I still feel shame, apparently, because I had a hard time believing that a lot of people would go up and write their sins down. But they did. And during worship, they had the opportunity to erase those sins from the board, knowing that Jesus offers no condemnation and says, "Go, and sin no more." Most people were able to erase their sins from the board. I was really moved by the overwhelming amount of people who exposed their sin, and it was just so evident that God was working to cause a shift in students' hearts. Which brings me to our Millersville leader's meeting that went until 2 AM, we had a "Let's Stop Pretending" meeting where we intended to expose sin that we felt was holding us back from becoming a closer community as a fellowship or just discuss problems we had in the fellowship. At first, I was like, seriously, it's midnight! Then I thought, seriously, it's 1 AM! But by 2 AM, though I was exhausted, I saw that God was bringing us closer together.

        In other news, we got to have an open mic night which Millersville totally dominated! haha I got to read a poem, and something happened just like the poem wished for! I seemed to stop people dead in their tracks with my words. People stopped playing games or talking and were listening to me. Also, Mary and I played gaga, a fun game of Israeli dodgeball. We were the last two left in the game (because the guys thought it would be funny). It was hilarious and ridiculous, as things with Mary and me usually are.

Well, clearly, God had better things in mind for this past weekend than sleep.

feeling worse before feeling better

        So last week on Grey's Anatomy, the episode was a really cool mystery type thing... there was a fire in a hotel, so there were some burn victims in the hospital. There was one boy who had been looking at a college, and his burns were so bad... he looked like one of those diagrams of the human body in a text book that shows all the muscles and nerves. I mean, his burns were seriously that bad that you couldn't even tell there was skin on his body. It was really gross, and I could hardly look at it. The doctor that was supposed to be helping out was crying about it; she just couldn't handle seeing it, and the other doctor told her to pull it together because that boy needed her. He had every nerve in his body exposed, so he was feeling everything, and things were going to have to feel worse before they would get better for him. Arizona, the doctor, told Lexie that she had to "talk to him about his future and remind him that he has one past all of this pain."
        I really identify with having every nerve exposed on my body. But I really guard against feeling that. I guess that's what everyone tends to do... I don't want to be broken completely. I keep trying to hold onto the pieces so that it doesn't have to hurt so bad. I keep feeling like I can't afford the time and energy to cry it all out. The other night when I was crying, I kept worrying that I had to wake up in the morning, and I was losing precious sleeping hours. There's no time to think about it, pray about it, cry about it. And when I do pray, I feel like I can't spend my time praying about my brokenness because there is so much else to be praying about like my family, my friends, Millersville, LVC.
        But it does always feel worse before feeling better, doesn't it? It just has to. Something has to die before you can be reborn, and death is painful. It always is. I wanted to die peacefully in my sleep, but that just isn't possible. It has to hurt like hell, rip that band-aid off, and then move on. Because God promises that this is not the end. He is always moving, always restoring. But sometimes when God moves, mountains crumble, and that's scary because nothing is the same after God arrives.
        Hurting sucks... change sucks... but God is good. And He promises that this is not the end.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have already overcome the world." -John 16:33

hope is scary sometimes

        Did you know that we use the word "hopefully" incorrectly most of the time? For example, we might say "hopefully, I will win the lottery." But hopefully is an adverb, which means that word must be used to describe an action. To analyze the parts of speech of that sentence, you must ask yourself: how will you win?And the answer to that question is not "hopefully." I know, who cares. Other than me anyway. ;-) We all know that "hope" is a verb, as in "I hope it doesn't rain tonight." But I feel like we never mean it as much of an action. Are you really hoping? Merriam-Webster defines hope as "to expect with confidence." Hope is scary, though. You're expecting something with confidence, which sets you up to come crashing down if something doesn't happen as expected.
        This is something we've had to face recently with IV at Millersville because our dorm talks didn't go as expected. We had high hopes that God was going to move in huge ways. Betsy had been praying for 15 people to come to each dorm talk. And that didn't happen... So what does that mean for us? We didn't even come close to that. I walked onto campus that night thinking that dorm talks were going to change my world. And they didn't. So if I'm being honest, yeah, I was disappointed. At our leadership team meeting last week, Betsy asked, why didn't God do more? Then a student asked, do we think God didn't do enough? So I've been wrestling with this a lot. Why didn't God do what we thought He wanted to do at dorm talks? And the default answer is that God didn't want to do what we thought He did; He had something else in mind. But I don't like cliche, default answers.
       But I think our disappointment just shows that we desire for God to do big things. There is so much healing to be done in this world, and we long for it. We long for God to heal every heart at Millersville, and so yes, we are always hoping that He will do more. So there's a balance between praising God for what He has done and waiting expectantly for Him to do more.
        Hope is scary sometimes. That's what my friend Joy said the other day. I asked if she thinks she will get back together with Joe because they had broken up two days prior, and she said that she does, but hope is scary. Expecting something with confidence? Definitely scary.
        My friend Sarah said something to me and another friend, Dana Beth, about showing the new International Justice Mission film at Millersville, and we all agreed that we want to make the event happen. And I am feeling so excited and hopeful that God is going to bless this event and open people's perspectives to learn about modern-day slavery. In the midst of being excited, I remembered last night about the previous experiences I have had with trying to plan IJM events. Last semester, we had a women's violence awareness week, something like that... and as part of the week, I planned showing the movie Holly, which is a movie about slavery. And no one showed up. I had to remind myself that it wasn't anything personal; people were just disinterested. But it sucked. So I thought last night, oh no! What if no one shows up again?! For a split second, I thought maybe I didn't want to go through with planning this event. It's easy to be skeptical after facing disappointment, but I pray this would not be the case for IV at Millersville. I pray that we would try to have outreach events again, and that we would hope for God to move. And I pray that, above all, we would just always remember what God said to Job when Job questioned his circumstances. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation..." Check out Rob Bell's Nooma video about Job entitled Whirlwind. He goes through God's whole response, and it's really crazy to hear it all out loud.
        I saw this quote that said, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." That's the truth isn't it, that God will restore everything. It will be okay in the end. Hopefully, I wait on the Lord. And it's not scary when I'm hoping for Him because He will do more. After really long conversation about the dorm talks and our disappointment, one student, Wes, said that he felt God asking him, "If you were doing this for My glory, why are you upset? Because I'm not."

¹ Then Job answered the LORD and said:
 ² “I know that You can do everything,
      And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.
 ³ You asked, ‘Who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?’
      Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
      Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
Job 42:1-3

mercy

        At Millersville the other night, we had Contact, and we were discussing whether or not we would forgive our spouse if he or she cheated on us. Almost everyone (who spoke up, at least) said that they would forgive someone for cheating on them. They said that we all make mistakes and that we are supposed to forgive because God forgives us. Well, of course that's true; I can't argue there. But I felt like I was the only person who flat out said they wouldn't take someone back after he cheated on me. Though I will say, from the way others spoke, they hadn't had someone cheat on them. So that definitely makes a difference in the way you see it.
        I find cheating to be the most despicable thing ever. I've done it once, I must confess. I was about 14 years old, and I kissed a boy that wasn't my boyfriend. I actually still regret it because it's so not me to do something like that. It wasn't me then, either, so I don't even know how that happened. In any case, that's irrelevent. Just thought I would confess.
        Anyway there I am, listening to everyone say that they would want to work it out with their spouse if he or she cheated and wondering what the heck is wrong with me that I wouldn't even consider it. Should I be more merciful? More forgiving? My friend Tommy brought up that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a way to forgive someone that doesn't mean you have to stay with that person. Of course there's also the difference between an affair and a one time thing, but either way, I don't think I could stay with that person. Even if it's my husband. Even if I'm not one who usually supports divorce as an option.
        It's just that cheating breaks my heart so much. I've seen it, and I just feel like it destroys lives. It's not just about the spouse who is betrayed, but it's about their children. I wonder, what will the daughter think when she finds out her father is having an affair? How will her perception of her father change? Will she feel that security that a daughter should feel in knowing that her father is there to rescue her always? What will a son learn about what it means to be a man? The same is true for the inverse, of course. What will the children, whether young or fully grown, learn about marriage and commitment if the spouse leaves the one who cheated? Will they learn it's okay to just leave when times get rough?
        On the other hand, if a woman forgives a man for cheating on her (well, assuming it was a one time thing), will this teach the children a good lesson; will it show them what it means to truly show grace and mercy in the toughest situations? Will it show them what forgiveness means and how the process of reconciliation works?
        I know that we are unfaithful to God all the time. I know that we choose other lovers over Him. That's what our talk at Contact was about the other night, but I just can't stop thinking about this marriage thing. Is it true that because God always takes me back, I should stay with my husband after he cheats on me? I don't know, and I pray that I will never have to actually wrestle with these questions. But it's definitely something that challenged me the other night because I didn't realize that others would seem to have so much more mercy than me. Of course, it's all hypothetical, so who knows how someone would actually deal with this situation. I think I've been pretty forgiving. I think I've taken someone back after he has hurt me a lot. And I know that is a very different situation, but I don't know, I guess it seemed like my downfall... thinking that reconciliation was possible when really, it just wasn't. Forgiveness, I can do. And maybe that's all I should have been doing. Reconciliation didn't work. But I don't know if I really tried for it, prayed for it, or even knew how much we needed reconciliation to go forward. Sometimes I just pretended it wasn't there. It seemed easier than dealing with it all.
       Well, I don't know any of the answers. But the one thing I do know is that I can't keep blaming myself. C'est inutile.

free pizza

     So today Mary and I went out to eat for lunch at Mamacitas with her friend from CHOC (Community Homeless Outreach Center). His name is Norbert. Mary really connected with him when she was volunteering at CHOC during our urban project this summer. The guys at CHOC play Spades all day, and Mary loved playing cards with them. So Mary and I ordered a pizza ahead of time, and we planned on paying for it, but Norbert insisted on paying. I was holding my $20 bill, and he put his ahead. I didn't know what to do. This is a man who has only a little bit of money to begin with. But I think it probably made him feel good to be able to treat us for lunch.We had a really good time at lunch just talking. But I felt really bad about him treating us. He wouldn't even take the leftovers, which makes sense because he's homeless... he would have to carry it. So here I am with a free pizza AND the leftovers for a future meal. I've been blessed in excess.
     Mary and I were upset that Mamacitas is only offering their special deal on a large cheese pizza for $6.60 on Mondays and Tuesdays now, so we had to pay $10 for the pizza. We didn't think that WE had the money for it. Then Norbert just up and pays for it. It was really an eye-opening situation. It was a real life situation of the parable of the poor woman who offers up the only money she has and how that means a lot more than a regular person giving a lot more money. It was a lesson in giving for me. Betsy is always talking about radical hospitality, and I think that treating someone to a pizza is radical hospitality.
     I'm getting more and more exposed to hospitality. I never was before because my family doesn't usually have guests or anything. My car actually broke down this morning (in the middle of an intersection), and I called my dad to come save me. So he shows up and says that the problem is that there isn't enough gas in the car. How embarrassing! But it's a good thing it isn't a serious problem, you know? So yeah, I call my friend TJ to ask if he has a gas can, and he doesn't... but he knew someone who did. So TJ goes and gets the can and puts gas in it. He brings it, and sure enough... that was the problem. Well TJ brought like 2 gallons of gas to me, and my dad insists on paying him back for it. TJ said it was fine, and he didn't need the money back. But my dad gave him $6 anyway. My point is... my dad does not accept hospitality. He even wanted to pay my uncle when my uncle invited our family over for crabs. That was just ridiculous because of course my uncle wanted to treat everyone!
     I tell this embarrassing story of my car "breaking down" to say that I'm classically trained not to accept hospitality. I felt really bad about calling TJ to ask for help. I felt like I was really troubling him. But because my family doesn't like to let others help, I'm not really good at showing hospitality myself. I do love to treat people, give gifts, and come to the rescue. But sometimes it isn't my first instinct. My first instinct is to split the bill evenly and make sure it's exactly even. My instinct is to say that I don't have the money for the pizza. But if Norbert is willing to use his limited money to treat us to a pizza, then I need to be willing to do the same.

Luke 21

 ¹As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. ²He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins.^{[a] 3}"I tell you the truth," he said, "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. ⁴All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

falling apart or falling together

     Sometimes when I write poetry, I come up with one line that the rest of the poem is really centered around. It's like, the entire poem was meant to culminate in that one line, such as "in my life, you are the poetry." It's like the perfect clincher statement. So naturally I love songs that have thought provoking statements to end with. The song "Closing Time" came on the radio this morning on my way to work, and I was reminded of one of my favorite clincher statements: "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
     That's how my life is feeling lately. I am at such a new beginning of my life, which is really great, but also really sucks. I have lost certain things that meant so much, such as my relationship with Ryan, my youth group involvement, and my life at LVC. Which just plain sucks. But the beauty of it all is that while I can be falling apart, I'm being remade. New beginnings are exciting... but something has to end in order for that something new to begin. And I hate that because I really like to hold onto things forever.
     Reminds me of one of my poems, written in Aug of 2008... "The moment when I realize that you are where I began and not where I begin, that is when I can truly start again." How liberating it is to be in a place where all the stuff you thought were la creme de la creme really weren't all that perfect to begin with! On one hand, it makes me question myself and my judgment. But it's also just amazing as a reminder that God is so much bigger and better than all these things that I thought were so great. It's humbling to be reminded that God has better things in mind, and I don't have it all figured out, but He does!
     I could fight about it all I want: "But God, I love Ryan! He loves me! Why isn't that enough?!" "But God, LVC is where I belong, and I don't want to be anywhere else!" "But God, I just found this youth group that I love! THAT is where I most feel your presence!" But here I am in a new place. That was then, and this is now. And I don't want to sound too "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" because cheesy things like that bother me. And that kind of answer does NOT comfort someone. But I do want to praise God for these chapters in my life, even though they are over. And I praise God that endings mean new beginnings! Praise God that I can give up that fight, let it go, move on.
     I think if I were to write a poem right now, the clincher statement would be something about how falling apart and falling together go hand in hand. Once you fall apart, you realize that you are beginning to fall together in a much more amazing way than you ever were before. Maybe being on the brink of falling apart is exactly where God wants to meet me.