Tuesday, October 12, 2010

kick me

I've been looking at my body lately and haven't been too happy with the way it looks. I work at a pizza shop and can eat anything I want, and so my meals usually involve lots of cheese, and they usually don't happen until 8 PM. This lifestyle is wreaking havoc on my body. But I'm sure I'm the only person who is thinking that I'm a fatty mcfatster (yes, that is what I call myself when I look in the mirror). TJ doesn't like it when I call myself fat because he thinks I'm beautiful. He once kicked me because I called myself fat. True story! We were at the top of the stairs, and he kicked me playfully, and I almost fell down the stairs. What a tough punishment that would have been for criticizing myself too harshly...

But he was right to kick me.

Everyone is always their hardest critic, and sometimes that just means that you don't think your poem is that great even though it is, but more often than not, it gives you broken record messages that really kill your soul.  My friend Betsy once told me that if something isn't nice to say about someone else, it isn't nice to say it about yourself either. That really hit me. Why is it that we would never let someone else think that they are ugly, but we so easily say it about ourselves?

I've thought a lot of horrible things about myself. Good for nothing, fat, ugly, crazy... the list goes on. And I bet as you (my lovely friends) read this, you are probably cringing at how untrue you think that is. Thank you. No wonder it's not good for man to be alone. Man needs other people to keep him grounded and kick him when he starts believing the broken records above God's truth.

But moreover than deeming oneself fat or ugly, I can think of no deeper soul killing lie than the broken record saying that you are worthless in God's eyes. Nothing could be further from the truth. That's the beauty of it all, that though we are all unworthy, God says that He loves us. It's easy to believe that what you've done or what has happened to you has tipped the scales to render you unworthy of God's grace, but it's just not true. I would never let anyone I love believe that they don't have a chance to be close to God because their past is ugly. I would always point my loved ones to hope. And I think that if I believe in God's love, grace, and hope when it pertains to my loved ones, I have to believe it for my life.

When I start believing the lies, I like to think about who God is. And then I hear stories about God changing the hearts and lives of drug addicts, murderers, and prostitutes, and I remember Him. I remember that my God is all about taking a mess and making it beautiful for His glory. And because I believe that God creates and makes things new, I can believe in hope above the broken records that spin in my head. I can let go of those lies because God wants to write a new chapter in the story, and it's safe with Him because my story's ending is secure.

And just in case you have records spinning lies in your head, which you probably do because I think we all do, I intend to kick you and remind you of God's truth when you have trouble hearing it above the noise of the broken records. And remember, since you would never be okay with me believing that I am worthless, ugly, and fat, you shouldn't be okay with believing it about yourself!

1 comment:


Stupéfiant! I loved the imagery of the broken record of lies which a lot of times we enable to play in our own heart and mind. Truly God is the only authority and when he speaks life is created. It is encouraging to know that His word transcends generations and continues to speak into our lives.

Side note, do you already have in a mind the title of the first book you'd want to write?