abide in me

How do I see God? That's what Betsy asked me. And frankly, I don't know. I could make up an answer so that Betsy doesn't know that my mind is absolutely blank right now, but instead, I just tell her that I don't know. But that's not really okay... so I went to bed that night, and as I was praying, I started to tell God how I saw him. And then I decided I wanted to write it down, so I got up and grabbed some paper. Since I like to reuse paper, I grab some papers with the blank side facing up, and I turned them over to see what they were, and all of them were Psalm 46. Be still and know that I am God. So I decide to write on the front of them instead of the back.

-How do I see God?

-My God created the universe from nothingness.

-My God always was, always is, and always will be.

-My God is sovereign, even the wind obeys Him.

-My God is mighty to save. He doesn't just reach out his hand; He grabs me and says, "I will not let you fall!"

-My God is in love with me. He is the best boyfriend--no others can compare.

-My God is not dependent on me. But he graciously offers me a role in his work in reconciling the world.

-Apart from my God, there is no life. He offers the living water to the whole world.

-My God chased after me into a pig sty and kissed my hand because He saw more in me than just a garbage collector. My God says, "you have worth in me."

-My God hung on a cross and forgave me as I stood mocking him.

-My God breaks things so that we can see His grace in the healing.

-My God asks me to trust His will for my life. Sometimes I don't know what that means. I want to follow Him, but what does He want me to do?

After reflecting on how I see God, I felt fully confident in who my God is. So I went downstairs to hang these things on the wall, and as I hung them, I felt God saying to me, "Abide in me." This gave me so much peace. It's like, whether I decided to keep on with the IV internship or if I decided to quit, it's okay either way. God can do something good out of either decision. God was giving me a choice here. And in whatever decision I make, if I abide in Him, I will be in His will. I didn't know yet whether I would or wouldn't continue with the internship, but I told Betsy about it the next day. We talked for a long time, but it was clear that God was asking me to follow through with my commitment. It wasn't about the fact that I had made the commitment, and I HAD to get through it. No, it was obedience that God was calling me to. I usually follow Him halfway and then think that's enough, but I decided that I wanted to follow through to do the entire year of the internship.

It was an awesome last few days as God changed my heart to make me joyfully desire to serve Him through this internship instead of just dragging through it because I "have to." I think things may continue to be a struggle sometimes, but after hearing from God, I am much more confident in knowing that He really is with me.

Urbana 09

     Well, so much for writing once a week. I actually have three posts that I started and never finished...if that counts for anything! So I just got home from Urbana, a world missions conference in St. Louis. It was a 17 hour bus ride, but it was worth it! AND I got to see the Mississippi River, which was one of my lifelong dreams! Isn't that awesome? As soon as we got to the hotel, I went to check out the river and the arch with some friends from LVC. The hotel I stayed at with my Millersville friends was right across the street from the arch. Our hotel room had a king size bed and a separate living room. It was like a suite! Alright now onto the good stuff.... the actual conference!

    So worshipping with like 17,000 people from around the world is just an indescribable thing. It's like experiencing what heaven will be like because you get a chance to see a greater picture of who God is when you are with people from all places, cultures, languages. I loved the speakers the best, though. I loved hearing about the places they have been. I was very touched by Ramez Atalluh speaking about the garbage village in Egypt where he and his wife ministered. When the pastor who first ministered there tried to talk to one of the people, they ran into a pig sty because they were afraid. They lived like animals. But that pastor just put his boots, lit a torch, and went into the pig sty after them. It was such a picture of how God came down here to us. We do hide in pig stys, afraid of the goodness that God offers. But he comes in after us to love on us. The other speakers that really impacted me the most were a man from Rwanda and a man from Korea. The man from Rwanda spoke about the two tribes there and how his father had been killed by the other tribe when he was 5 years old. He talked about reconciliation and forgiveness and how God told him that he had no right to hold onto his hatred. So now he ministers to this other tribe, I think they are called the Tutsi. Anyway they were the ones who caused the genocide in the country. I can't imagine forgiving someone who killed my father and terrorized my country. That's what made me realize that if that man can forgive a group of people who have hurt his family and negatively impacted his life so much, and not only forgive but love and minister to, I can forgive the people in my life that I don't want to forgive. The man from Korea spoke about the Japanese imperalism that took over Korea and their culture. He is now a missionary in Japan. Seeing Jesus up on the cross saying, "Forgive them for they know not what they do" is a powerful image that just shows you that forgiveness is not optional.
 
  The story about the garbage village was particularly inspiring to me because Ramez Atallah and his wife are taking part in something amazing in Egypt where God is moving in huge ways. The church that was built in that garbage village is the largest in the middle east apparently! I looked it up online when I got home, and one sentence from an article I read really struck me: "They still collect garbage; however, they now have three schools, a hospital and many churches" (http://www.lausanneworldpulse.com/urban.php/903?pg=all) The people there still collect garbage, but they are now followers of Jesus, and this makes all the difference in their village.

     I went into the conference with an expectation that I'd figure out what I'm going to do after my internships are over this year, but I didn't really figure that out. I do have a few things in mind, but the cool thing is that I don't have to sign up for a program next year. I can stick around here and just get a job, and if I have to move back home, that would be okay. It's all okay. And I'm just excited about whatever adventure God has planned for me. The world is a big place, and I intend to explore every inch of it!

     If you are interested in hearing the speakers from Urbana 09, you can catch them all on the website: http://www.urbana09.org/program.webcast.cfm.

C is for Christmas

      I seem really bah humbug about Christmas this year. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me, and it might be partly true... but I don't know, I just don't know how to rationalize buying things for people when we don't need anything. I hardly even want anything. Of course part of me wants a lot of things, like new clothes, shoes, etc., but I don't need any of those things.

      I am starting to appreciate the pretty decorations,and I enjoy the holiday movies. But you know what is really weird... I was thinking the other day about how we say "Happy Holidays" so that we don't offend people of other religions, and I'm cool with that. But then I thought, why are we putting up a tree at Tabor if we are trying not to be biased toward Christianity. And therein lies the problem! A second later, I realized that, duh, celebrating Christ's birth at Christmas time has nothing to do with putting up a tree. The two are not related. So Tabor putting up a tree doesn't say anything about us favoring Christianity (though it does show we are not endorsing Hanukkah or Kwanzaa).

      So this is why I'm kind of bah humbug. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with us enjoying our Christmas music, egg nog, tree decorating, shopping... but if we are equating those things with celebrating Christ's birth, then it is wrong. What's great about all the holiday decorating and such is that you get to do it with your family, and spending time with your family is a great way to worship God. And I don't know, I just don't even remember the last time my family spend time decorating together. My dad decorates the tree by himself because he wants it to look perfect. No homemade ornaments. We don't read The Night Before Christmas. I stopped believing in Santa when I was 6 years old. I started a club in 1st grade for kids who didn't believe in Santa and got in BIG trouble with my teacher (because most 6 year olds believe in Santa!).

      It's no wonder that I'm disillusioned and not all that thrilled about Christmas if all my experiences show Christmas to be about gifts. But knowing Christ and celebrating His birth is what I am most interested in. And I don't feel like God wants me to use my resources to buy gifts that people don't need. It's not spiritually healthy to encourage materialism, and it's not environmentally healthy to create more waste. But I do know that giving is important. I wish we could give to someone else, as a family. Volunteer together or donate our money to something that will offer something greater, something more in need to others. At Tabor, the case workers have clients who keep their heat at 55 degress so they can afford food, people who don't have beds, people who can't afford diapers for their babies. How can I celebrate Christ's birth in light of this? Where do I go from there?

      I read that your Christmas budget should be no more than 1.5% of your annual income. Which for me is about $150. So the question is how can I worship God with this $150? How can I worship Him with the few days that we are given to spend with family? I don't know.

B is for Birthday

Well, it has officially been 23 years since I came out of my mother's womb. I can't believe how time flies by.... I think a little reflection is in order...

10 years ago
(a poem I wrote when I was in 6th grade)
"Boys"
Boys, boys they are so hot.
I could die right on the spot.
He looks about 18, but so what?
Cuz he has the world's cutest butt.
I've never seen a boy so tall.
I'm sure that he plays basketball.
His muscles are so big, so scary.
It is him who I am going to marry.

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5 years ago (from my xanga blog)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Currently Playing Catalyst By New Found Glory its 9 days till my bday! im so excited, even though i can't have the cool dance party thing i wanted to have. so lets see... what have i been up to since i last wrote... i'm going out with JR... but other than that, i guess theres no other exciting news. oh! i was in the penny saver yesterday on the cover, for lancaster idol. some lady came and interviewed me and alyssa at school. it just occured to me today how many people could be reading this xanga... hi everyone! whats up! so at quiz bowl the other day, we almost beat e town on the last round! i was so excited, and i actually buzzed in and got a question right! the question was , the atomic number of an element is the same as what, and i said protons! and then we got a bonus question about snow white, and of course i knew all those answers. it had 4 parts... 1. which dwarf is always in a good mood? 2. which is the only dwarf without a beard? 3. what do the dwarfs do for a living? 4. what song do the dwarfs sing to and from work? answers...1. happy 2. dopey 3. miners 4. heigh ho, its off to work we go. did u get them all right???!!!!

--------------------------------------------

That stuff cracks me up. I'm such a quirky person. This is proof that I always have been weird!

So back to the present... I had a really great birthday week. Last Wednesday night, Jenn (my bible study co-leader) organized a surprise party for me at bible study. DaShawn (a friend at Millersville) was downstairs waiting in the dark, and when we walked in and turned the light on, DaShawn turned his iPod on and started dancing and yelled SURPRISE! It was such a great night!

On Thursday, my actual birthday, my friends at work surprised me with a box of donuts and apple cider. Sherry (a fellow VISTA) made a Twilight birthday card for me :o) We went out for Chinese for lunch, and Mary treated for me. Then Megan made me broccoli, chicken, and rice cassarole for dinner, and TJ came over, too. Then we watched Twilight!

On Friday, I had off work, so I went up to LVC to visit during lunch, and Julia and I went to go see New Moon. I liked it a lot! Then I went home to go to Millersville for a joint birthday party for Jon Love and me. He turned 21. So we pretty much had a big dance party. Also, we played musical chairs.

On Saturday I went to Millersville to Cafe Expressions, a coffee house open mic thing that a few students had organized. I got to sing "Blessed," which I was super excited for. It didn't go amazingly well because I was thrown off by having to sing leaning over a podium. I don't know why I was nervous, but I really was. Afterward, I wished I could go back up there and ask to try again. I could have done much better, but I don't know what happened! That was my birthday gift to myself--getting to sing.

So that's a rundown of my birthday festivities. It's sad that it's all over, but now it is Thanksgiving! I am so THANKFUL to get to see my family!

cup of pee

      I think that a Church with a true community is like a group of students standing in line holding a cup of urine. Oh wait, let me back up a little... so every year, the student athletes have to get a physical at LVC (and other colleges, too I'm sure). The last thing you have to do is a urine test, so they give you a dixie cup--yes, a paper dixie cup--and after you've urinated in the paper cup, you come stand in line to wait for testing. When I was a junior, it was the worst because all athletes were getting their physicals around the same time, so honestly, I waited in line with a cup of pee for at least half an hour to an hour. Just holding my pee. The cup started getting soggy. My friend Allie stood there with her fiance holding her cup of pee. That's just the kind of stuff you don't want anyone to see, even when you are at the doctor's office. But there you stand holding your own urine. It feels so... I don't know, vulnerable. Exposed. And dirty. But it's not so bad since we were all holding a cup of urine. Everyone was in the same place.
     So I think that a Church should be like that, too. Church should be a place where people feel welcome to stand there vulnerable and exposed and be accepted. They should not feel condemned. Jesus told the adulteress that he did not condemn her. Why aren't we more like that? I think if we shifted our attitudes and views of other people's sin and didn't condemn them, we would stop condemning ourselves, also. We would move to a place of openness with our community, so that we can actually walk together in our faith. We could feel comfortable sharing with one another in our struggles. We need to find the right balance between no condemnation and accountability because that's where Jesus is waiting to offer transformation. How do I love and accept others while keeping them accountable in following Jesus?
     I think if I could just face the ugly truth that I, too, am standing there holding a cup of pee, I wouldn't be so condemning of others. Cuz if you don't do the urine test, if you are too embarrassed to stand in line with a cup of pee, well, you can't be an athlete at LVC. You won't know if you are healthy or not.
     I, too, stand here with my dixie cup of pee with all the rest, so there's no reason to be ashamed. How can we condemn others, laugh at others, when we also stand with a cup of pee? And if I could have the courage to hold my cup, maybe others would see that it's okay to be vulnerable.We could move to a place of acceptance and no condemnation in the name of Jesus.
     So yeah, I think that a Church ought to be like a group of students holding a cup of pee.

A is for Asian

     This past weekend, I went to an Asian-American Leader's Day with InterVarsity. It was for Asian-American students and staff. The conference was in Baltimore, so I went down Friday and stayed until Sunday at Joy's house to spend time with Joy and Vanessa.
     Saturday morning, I got up all ready and excited for the conference... it was a 10 minute drive from Joy's house, so no stress, right? WRONG! I started off by missing my exit off 645, so I thought, no big deal, I'll just take the next exit and turn around. Well, the next exit was 83. UGH! Again, no big deal, I turned around on 83, and then was able to get on 645 and take the correct exit. Only here's the catch... there were two exit 26's... one was York Rd-North, and the other was York Rd-South. I took the first one since it corresponded with what the directions said. The only problem is when you're coming from the other direction, north and south are opposite what they would be from the right direction. This is scenario A, entitled "Why I Am To Blame." Scenario B is simply that the directions were wrong, or "Why It's Not My Fault."
     Well, whoever's fault it was, I didn't get there until an hour and a half late because I was in the wrong town. Same road--York Rd... but wrong town. I was looking for a 7000 address, so driving down York Rd had me at 1000, 1020, etc etc, then 2000, 2020, and so forth... it was SO LONG! So I said, God, please let these numbers go faster! And then all of a sudden, I was at 10000. God is funny. I giggled and said, no not that fast, God! So I turned around, 10000....9838...9800....2450. SAY WHAT?! Yes, it goes from the 2000's to the 9000's. And I know that IV's regional director isn't a liar just trying to mess with me, so I know this Central Presbyterian Church exists! So I just keep driving back and forth, thinking I must be missing it! That's what the guy at Wendy's said. But the nice man at the gas station hit me with the truth: you're in the wrong town! 7000 is WAY down on York Rd. Well, good to know! I wasn't happy with his news, but it was nice to have someone who knew what they were talking about. (Perhaps that's why the Harvard implicit test told me that I have a slight preference for Arab-Americans. Because of that man!) Gosh this is a long story, I'll skip to the end... So I wasn't in Towson like I thought I was. The directions that google maps gave me could have been a lot simpler. I was really frustrated, but I got there. It was just 15 minutes down the road, in Towson, not Timonium.
     Well now to the good stuff, Dakota, the regional director of IV in the Mid-Atlantic region, was kind of heading up the conference (when I say conference, I mean there were about a dozen students). Our speaker was supposed to be Greg Jao, another regional director of IV and author of a few famous books, none of which I have read, but still, an author! I was so excited! But his car broke down in New York, and he didn't make it. So Dakota vamped. I'm surprised at how great it was, in spite of not having a speaker! Praise God! Also, we ate Vietnamese food. I was never more proud of being Vietnamese... that food was AWESOME! (That was just hyperbole, I am proud of being Vietnamese for many other reasons, don't think I'm terrible haha.)
     We talked a lot about our sphere of influence as leaders. Who are the people that we feel comfortable reaching out to, and who are the types of people that we don't tend to feel as comfortable with? How can we change this? How can we challenge ourselves to reach out to other types of people? What kind of differing values do we have that might lead to conflict or miscommunication in our fellowship?
     It helped to renew for me the reason that I'm interning with IV. College is such a different situation than high school because it's a chance for those who are Christians and grew up in the church to take their faith as their own because their parents won't be there to make them go to church or anything anymore. It's also a chance for those who have never heard of Jesus to encounter him. That's why campus ministry matters. And the reason that this conference was specifically for Asian-American students is because having a minority in that leadership role opens the door of possibility in the mind of other students. An Asian-American IV staff is a witness to other minority students for them to know that leadership is a possibility for them, too. So I thought that was cool. I met a lot of cool students who really are leaders on their campus and really have a heart for their campus. And IV is a chance to minister to students who want to change the world... you know, Gary Haugen, the president of IJM, was in IV when he went to college? Yep, true story.

the cost of freedom

        It costs me $10 for a soccer ball. I can afford that. But a $10 soccer ball is affordable because it is hand-stitched by slave labor. If I want a soccer ball that is guaranteed to be made by free labor, it costs $30. And it is so damn hard to choose a $30 soccer ball when you have the option of the $10 soccer ball.

        It's the same problem with free range chicken eggs. We would rather pay $1.50 for a dozen eggs of chickens who are cramped in coops rather than paying $3.50 for free range chicken eggs that come from chickens who have been raised in a healthy, sustainable manner. Well, it's not the same problem. But it's still shortsightedness that cripples the future moving towards healthier practices.

        What is the cost of freedom? It's a $30 soccer ball, for starters.

        But even I, who care so much about human rights, have trouble buying the $30 soccer ball. I bought my soccer ball before I knew that my $10 soccer ball was made by slave labor, and I have trouble even looking at it. It's tainted. It's like stealing. 27 million people in forced labor around the world even though slavery is illegal everywhere. 15 million children in slavery. Making clothes, soccer balls, and bricks for me. I'm not saying that I can solve it. I'm not saying that me choosing the $30 soccer ball is going to eradicate this evil of modern-day slavery. But it's me taking a stand in whatever way that I can. It's taking a stand for justice.

        It's easy to be apathetic about something that seems so far away--something that we don't have to see every day. But it breaks my heart to know that I benefit from the injustice in this world. I don't even have words for it... it's one of those things that just silences you because it's such a huge ache on my heart. A blog I stumbled across once while researching slavery seemed to say it best:

"Of my own ambition I would never think to become a living sacrifice for those in need, but Christ bears in me a love for the broken that breaks me deeper day by day. His divine invitation to dine with Him has introduced me to His heart. During our conversations He speaks of the physically poor and abused, the mentally impaired and deceived, the emotionally neglected and bankrupt, and the spiritually asleep as if His joy depends on healing every one of us. The longer I linger with Him, the more my joy depends on it, too...
Oh Christ, bear in us strength in our weakness by granting us faith in our fear and hope in our hurting and purpose in the pain as we face injustice, in order that we wouldn't lose heart. May Your power be made perfect in our weakness as we step out in the measure of faith You have given us to be Your hands and feet. Go before us to loose the chains of injustice, to set the oppressed free, to shelter the wanderer, to clothe the naked, and to provide for the poor not only physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - which are of eternal importance. We ache not to build our castles in the sand that today stand and tomorrow fall, but to further Your Kingdom that will come tomorrow and stand for eternity.
Oh, haste the day! I live for it! But until then I will ache. And though my heart feels so heavy I count the weight as a blessing ordained by God instead of a burden as long as every ounce serves to motivate me to abolish injustice and continues to inspire me deeper into the precious heart of Christ.”

What is the cost of freedom? I think it's being willing to give up some of our own freedom to face these things, though it's hard to hear. All I know is that as I dig deeper into God's heart, there's no way to avoid God''s deep desire to set the captives free. I don't have a solution of how to make this happen, but I know that I want to, have to be a part of loosing the chains of injustice.