my new house

It bothers me that I don’t write in my blog that often. Not that many people are following this or anything. If you have been wanting to read all about my life and finding my blog to be outdated, I’m sorry. ;-) It is my dream to have a column like Sex and the City, so I should be staying on top of this blogging! From now on, I will set a goal of updating once a week. All my friends used to have xanga, in which we updated daily about the goings on of high school. It was pretty boring stuff, generally… For example, here’s one of my last xanga entries, written on April 26, 2006
“i dont like when ppl throw bugs at me. its not funny.
i'm going to see kutless and falling up tomorrow with some friends, and its free!!!
might have to do a presentation tomorrow in english, a little scared about that
the only major thing i have to do (other than finals) is a criticism of one of the literary writers that we are reading in brit lit. 5 to 8 pages, which means 5 pages of course.
i hate elections”
So my fear with this new blog was to start writing entries like that. That would just be a shame. BUT I do have stuff to say. For today, I will tell you all about my new house. I live on W. James St., which is a nice, quiet street right now, but it is two blocks from the F&M campus, so once school starts again, it will be very loud, I’m sure! The block I live on is typically a sorority/fraternity area, so I don’t know what to expect! By the way, I live with Mary and her sister Megan. We are looking for two other roommates, and God is really blessing us with possibilities for roommates recently! I have a lot of hope that it will work out. Two more roommates will make the rent $240 a month. God’s taking care of me; of that, I’m absolutely certain. That doesn’t mean that I’m not at all afraid of how the rent check will be paid and how I will afford food. But I know that it’s all going to be okay. It’s only money. I'm more and more reassured that God is taking care of me since Mary called from her orientation saying that one of the other VISTA volunteers is interested in moving in with us, and we are having someone over to see the house today. These two people could potentially be our two roommates. God only knows, as of now. But it is reassuring anyway.
My job is going well. I love all the people I work with. The hours are flexible, so if I want to start at 10 AM and go until 6:30, I can do that just as long as I get my 40 hours in. And it's not too professional of an atmosphere, so those things are just perfect for me. And I already mentioned in my last entry about why this job seems perfect for me.
As for IV, that hasn't started yet. The urban project was great and gave God the opportunity to stir my heart in very specific ways--ways I will be mentioning in my next post. :o) Other IV things, I'm blessed to be working with Bret and Betsy and entering a network with all the other IV staff. I've met a bunch of them, and I really like them. They are wonderful people. I don't know if I will want to be an IV staff at the end of this year, but we'll see where God leads! Other other IV things, I should start thinking about fundraising.
Okay, that's all for now. Thanks for listening :o)

all my life has culminated to this...

My job is going to be interesting. I had a meeting with my boss yesterday, and suddenly, a light bulb clicked. It’s like all my life has culminated into this. I realized it when she mentioned making a creative video to show to youth. I love making videos, and I am sometimes pretty decent at it! Also, I ALWAYS am the one to get up and talk to people about serious issues, and that’s what I’ll be doing here. I’m not the one talking to youth groups about love, I’m talking about homelessness. Talking about serious things is what I do best! And looking into the future, it’s good for me to make contacts with schools now because that’s what I want to do someday is to start a non-profit that would benefit urban education and get them the school supplies that they need, and I want to do that through other schools raising money and donating supplies.
This job is gaining the experience for me to go out and get people to care about a cause and to do something about it!!
I'm kind of terrified about having to call people up and ask them if I can come speak to their students. It's hard to know how to go about these things, but I just really feel like God is preparing me for what's to come in the future!!
How exciting and terrifying all at the same time. God is so good!

Urban Project - Week 1

When I got to Lancaster to start the Sidewalks Project, I admit, I had a really bad attitude about it. It made me really mad to think about not talking on the phone for a month or being on the internet when I wanted to. I like my freedom. So what happened was I moved into Bret and Betsy's house (IV staff) in Lancaster with 4 other girls. We had orientation for a few days just to start understanding why we were here. We got to meet some of Bret and Betsy's friends, which was really cool. Some of their friends intentionally live in the city, and we got to hear about their lives and their faith that has led them to Lancaster.
This week I am working at Lutheran Refugee Services with one of the other girls. It's a great place to be. The people who work here are wonderful. Sarah, the other girl I'm working with here, just started an ESL class for the kids of the recent refugees. We had the first class yesterday, and there were 9 kids there, ages 4-16. They were all Chin Burmese except for 2 Iraqi kids. They knew more English than we thought, we were ready to start with "hello, my name is" but they knew that stuff already pretty much! Then we did cute stuff like teaching them action verbs by actually doing the stuff. Dance, stop! Run, stop! Run fast! Run slow! hehehe But the cool thing was seeing these cases we had heard about turn into real people. I suddenly saw how important the work here at LRS is. Today I'm working at the front desk, which is scary because I have to answer phones and figure out the phone system. But the good thing is I get to blog!! The other girls are working at Water Street Rescue Mission.
Next week, I'm going to Philly for VISTA training for my actual job at Tabor Community Services, and I will start there the following week (29th). It has been interesting seeing God in new ways. I feel like people in the city are much more friendly than in the suburbs (at least where I live). But I guess you encounter people differently in the city than you do in the suburbs. When you're in a suburb, you see people at WalMart or Turkey Hill... but here, you see people on the streets or sitting on their porches.
Last Sunday, we went to a church called In The Streets. It was very charismatic, and I am not used to things like that. The church was very diverse culturally, which was cool to see. A really awesome thing was that the guy who leads the youth came up front with his wife and talking about how they are taking the youth to a retreat this week, and the pastor said how the guy wasn't going to get paid time off his job... so the pastor decides right there that he is going to give them $100 to help pay their bills. Then he asked for 9 other volunteers to do the same, and people just started raising their hands! I couldn't imagine people in my church being so generous. The wife was crying because she was just so touched. It was really awesome. BUT they had a prayer time at the end, and we saw some guy like convulsing as someone prayed for him, then he collapsed on the ground. I didn't know what was happening to the guy. Anyway we are going to a different cross-cultural church every week, which will be really cool.
God is challenging me to see everyone as His children--the homeless, the refugee, the business man. We come back to that who the hell do I think I am statement. It has just been interesting living here with everyone because no one makes fun of me for putting toothpaste on my pimples at night or wearing 3 braids at night to make my hair curly. I'm not used to people not making fun of me. Even when it is in jest, I still get made fun of.
OH we watched the movie Amistad last night, and it was WOW! There was some nudity I def could have done without, but what a fantastic movie. It is about slaves in Africa who led an uprising on the ship when they were being brought to America. There was a guy translating English to Mende for the lawyer, and the lawyer said something about "what I should have said," and the translator said, "I can't translate that. We don't have should in our language, either you do something or you don't." Then the African man who was imprisoned said, "What kind of a place is this where you almost mean what you say? Where laws almost work? How can you live like that?" I thought those quotes were really interesting.
Alright, I guess that's all for now.

Psalm 9

I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart - I don't want to hold back anymore. And I don't want any more conditions or ways I think you should be loving me. I just want to let you love me and allow myself to love you in return.

I will tell of Your marvelous works - I want to live my life in light of Your majesty, especially with my family and those with whom it is easy to be comfortable without intentionality in our interactions.

I will be glad and rejoice in You - when things don't make sense. When it is easy to just get angry at people, I will choose to look to You and rejoice in You, knowing that You are taking care of me.

I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High - because I am nothing without You. I will praise Your name, not my own. Give to God what is God's... and that's everything. That's all of me. You deserve all of it.

Do not let man prevail. Put them in fear, O Lord, that the nations may know themselves to be but men - who am I? Not because of who I am, but because of who you are. Oh God, ask us, " Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, that an abundance of water may cover you?"

I will praise You with my whole heart, I will tell of Your marvelous works, I will be glad and rejoice in You, I will sing praise to Your name - because You alone are worthy, and I cannot even stand without your strength soaring through my heart, my veins, my muscles - without Your breath of life granting me the honor of praising Your holy name.

Unless

“Impossible,” she said, “It can never be…unless”
“Unless?” he asked, “What do you mean?”
“I mean I need you to fix…”
“Me? Fix? What can I fix?”
“Fix this because it has to be you.
“Fix this because otherwise…”
“Otherwise what?”
“Otherwise we can never be”
“Be what?”
(“I’m saying if you want me,
You have to be a man”)
“She won’t be happy either way,
Whether we’re together or apart.”
(“but I want to be together”)
“We need a solution.
I don’t know what to do unless…”
(“unless you want me enough to be brave”)
“I don’t know.”
“You do know. Just tell me.”
(“Tell you that if you love me,
You have to do something now?
You have to say something,
You have to fix this.
You should want to fix this.”)
“Unless you say something…take action”
“ Why do you need action? I love you…”
(“Then fix this.”)
“…But we can’t be together if this tension remains…”
“That’s what I was trying to say all along!”
“Really? Then why didn’t you just say it?”

Why Bother

It is the worst feeling to feel like you shouldn't bother doing something because you aren't good enough. It's interesting how that works. I mean sometimes being around greatness can inspire you to greatness. That's how my brother feels. He feels honored to be friends with very talented and intelligent people. It keeps him on guard to be the best he can be. I don't know, it's just hard for me because sometimes I'll think that I'm a good singer, and then I just feel so completely the opposite when I'm around others. It makes me feel like, why should I even bother? For instance, I tried out for some solos in choir, and I felt like I sang really well! But I didn't get any of them. So what does that mean for me? I also felt this way at my band practice the other night. The new members for next year were at practice, and there's a new girl who will be filling my shoes. I felt like everyone was complimenting her, and I didn't even have a place in the group. It was such a strange feeling for me. I mean, Ryan and I share music. So Sarah was sharing music with us, but it was too hard with three people on one set of music. So I just stepped away and was awkwardly positioned the whole practice. I just felt so inadequate the whole night since they were complimenting her harmonies and stuff. It made me feel like they probably don't think I'm a worthwhile member of the group because I can't harmonize like that. I felt like why should I even bother being there. I know it's ridiculous. That's the old me coming out.
But the real reason I'm bummed is because my writing hasn't been the best lately. I don't know why. I guess it's because I've lost my muse. Or perhaps I've said everything already. That scares me because what if Ryan isn't the one, and then some other guy comes along someday... will I not be able to write poetry about it because I've already said it all? If so, I mean, I wouldn't regret it because I love some of the stuff I've written. Anyway, that was not what I was meaning to write... I think the main reason that I haven't been able to write lately is because I feel like my writing is no good. When I start reading the blog from Cornerstone church and the amazing talent in writing these people have, it makes me feel like why should I bother writing because nothing I write even comes close. Jake has this gift with words that produces these descriptions that are so acute and passionate. It almost makes me jealous. I try to think that his style of writing is just different than mine; mine is more just direct and honest. That's what is so intriguing about my poetry--the directness and genuine nature of it. I don't know, that's what I always thought anyway. I've just been feeling discouraged because it feels like my dreams are being shattered as I realize that I'm just average. I never wanted to be average.
It makes me wonder whether I should even be reading that blog, if that is how it makes me feel. On the other hand, don't I want to be in the presence of greatness so it can inspire me? I don't know!!

Sun and Rain

I was looking at the grass tonight, and it was SO green. It was probably greener than I've ever seen grass before. Of course they just sprayed it with fertilizer or whatever, so that explains it. But I just got to thinking about how grass needs sun and rain to grow. If it's just rain, it will get flooded out, and of course you know what happens to those worms in the rain. It's important to keep the worms in that soil!!! But then the sun is so important for the grass to do it's photosynthesis or whatever. I'm no scientist. My point is, grass can't get by with just the sun. And it can't survive on pure rain either. For grass (or any plants?) to survive, they need the perfect balance of sun and rain.
I always try to wish away the rain in my life, but I guess it's important. If it was sunny all the time, I'd dry up and shrivel away. Or die of thirst.
I'm reminded of an interesting quote I found online by Kahlil Gibran: "We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." Do we? Does that make it my fault? And if I could do this all over again, would I? Or would I change it? Would I wish it never had happened?
All I know is that it hurts like hell. It is raining and pouring, and my worms are exploring... the pavement... where they die... and all I can do is keep praying for more worms. All you can do is have faith that the rain is making the grass green, and at the end of it all, there will still be some worms for my soil.