Lavender Petals

The feel of your skin brushing my arm
touches me like a thousand lavender fields
during a June’s mid-day walk in Provence.
The scent is intoxicating, too much, not enough,
I can't decide whether to run into the field--
taking in every morsel of beauty,
lying down only to rest in the comfort
of knowing that I'm surrounded,
that I'm just one step closer
to being one with the flowers
and memorizing their feel, their movements.
That's what I want--
to feel like nothing separates me,
nothing separates us.
There's not this force that blinds me,
this sun reflecting off the petals,
this brightness that I have to hide from
because it's too much.
Or it could be.
I just want to rest in it all,
take it all in,
just let it be.
Mais je peux pas.

That's what it feels like.
Mes sens tout sentent,
being exposed,
and wanting to be covered.

But being covered only happens
after
I risk exposure
to the sun.

And maybe in the end,
it will all have been an illusion
from the very beginning.

8.6.09

money

"Many years ago, during a wreck of a Californian ship, one of the passengers strapped a belt on himself with 200 pounds of gold on it. He was later found at the bottom of the sea. As he was sinking: Did the man own the gold? Or did the gold own him?"

So it all started with me fighting with Bret and Betsy about money. I felt that they were asking for too much money for the urban project. Why we should need $1200 for a five week period was just baffling to me! That’s a lot of money. I kept telling them that it’s not that I don’t trust them, but I just use money very conservatively (and by conservatively, I mean conservatively in areas where it’s convenient), and I don’t like other people being in control of the money, especially if I’m asking people at my church for this money. But by the end of that long sentence, don’t you get the sense that I actually don’t trust Bret and Betsy? And if I don’t trust Bret and Betsy with the IV urban project funds, doesn’t that extend further to say that I don’t really trust God with those funds? Since God has given them the authority over the project, shouldn’t I trust Bret and Betsy as a representation of my trust for God? No, I didn't ask myself those questions then. I've only recently begun to consider this concept of submission and trust a little more since Ryan has read a book about authority recently, which forces the topic that I like to avoid. But more on that some other time; this entry is about money.
During the project, we talked a lot about poverty and how we use our money. Of course I’ve thought about these issues and cared about these issues, but my view of money and materialism was really challenged at the project. One night while we had reflection time, God was really prompting me to gather some of my clothes and ask the others at the project to do the same so that we could donate a bunch of stuff to Water Street Mission together. As I was going through my stuff, I was listening to a song called “Rich Young Ruler” by Derek Webb. The song lyrics say, “I want the things you just can’t give me.” And there I was, holding a sweatshirt that I really love, and I felt myself saying, “No, I can’t give this one away. I love it.” Then my next thought was, “Oh crap, that means it’s exactly the one I have to give away.” So I did. Later that night as I lay in bed, it kind of haunted me; I kept wondering if I could just have my sweatshirt back. But that felt like stealing from God. I thought of another line from the song where Derek Webb describes Jesus digging through our trash can, and that’s when I said, “No Jesus, I will not let you dig through my trash can. My sweatshirt is yours.” Why does my stuff have such a hold on me? Praise God that He’s changing my heart. I gave away a bunch of stuff that night and a bunch of stuff when I got home. At the project, we really explored how God might want us to use our resources.
Here are some quotes that really stuck out to me:
--"According to scripture, we are no more free to do whatever we want with our money than we are to use our bodies to sleep around." - Kevin Blue
--"If we are determined to waste God's money, it would be better to throw it into the sea than to spend it extravagantly. At least throwing money into the sea hurts no one, while spending it needlessly on ourselves poisons all who see it with pride, vanity, anger, lust, love of the world, and a thousand foolish and hurtful desires."- John Wesley

Well now I’m an AmeriCorps VISTA. (I didn’t think I’d identify myself as such, but it really is becoming something significant in my life.) I make $385 every other week. We are just above the poverty line. VISTA is a program that deals with poverty, and by paying us at that line, they are forcing us to live at the level of those that we are helping, which is a really incredible opportunity. But it’s hard. My rent right now is $400. (Praise God that it will be going down with the addition of other roommates.) I have been studying these types of things, and households whose rent is 30% or more of their income per month are considered severely cost-burdened. I pay over 50% at the moment for rent. So yeah, how I spend my money is even more of a pressing topic now. It would be easy to stop giving away so much because of my tight financial situation. I mean I have to take care of myself, right? But God has really prompted me to start tithing my income, which means that I am giving away $80 out of my $770 per month. I’ve really gotten so much joy out of tithing. I give $30 per month to church offering and $50 to different non-profits. I give $25 every two weeks to a different organization, which I have been enjoying so much. God promises that He will provide for me. If I'm willing to spend myself on behalf of the poor and oppressed, He is going to take care of me.

it's a nice day for a blood covenant

At chapter camp, Mary learned about covenant making in Old Testament times. They used to take an animal and cut it in half. Then they would let the blood drain out from the center, and each party of the covenant would walk through the blood. They would stop in the center to discuss the terms of the covenant. The blood of the animal signified that you would do to the other party as to the animal if they break the covenant, as well as signifying the sacrifice you would make for them—that you would give up your life as the animal has done. This is what happens in Genesis when Abraham and God make a covenant, but God actually goes through the blood twice since Abraham is sleeping during this and can’t do it himself. We’re not strong enough to keep a covenant with God; He has to do it all. Anyway, Mary was taught that they used to do this at weddings back in the day. How disgusting, and yet, how powerful is that?! I looked online for some verification that it was true about the blood covenant at weddings, but I didn’t find anything. But I like believing that it’s true. It just goes to show how important a marriage covenant is. It’s a serious thing. We should still use the blood covenant at weddings because then maybe people would understand the commitment they are making when they get married.
Well, I say all this to say that this past weekend, Debby, my former roommate, got married! She and Tyler met on match.com (yes, it works!), and they got engaged only five months after they started dating. Isn’t that crazy? But if it’s right, it’s right. They are perfect for one another it seems, and I’m just really happy for them. The wedding was on the beach at Cape Henolopen, DE. It was so laid back, which just really fit with their families. When Ryan and I got there, they were swimming, and then Debby said she had to go change into her dress. We all ate, and then they had the ceremony. It was just a short ceremony, and we all stood on the beach. Vanessa caught the bouquet, although technically, it was a man who caught it because Debby threw it out of the range of all the single women, and Vanessa ran for it and stole it from the guy. Then she gave the flowers to me :o) It was so great to see Vanessa, Joy, and Debby! It was sad that Rasa wasn’t there, though. Ryan thought it was great how laid back the ceremony was because usually, it seems the bride (and the mothers) are so stressed that they can’t even enjoy the day. Well, you know as well as I do that I will be stressed whenever I get married. It’s just my nature to be uptight about things! That’s actually one reason that I didn’t want to have a traditional wedding before. I wanted to go get married in Ireland outside of Hore Abbey (seriously, look it up, it’s so beautiful). I don’t want the stress of picking out flowers and dresses and centerpieces and songs and locations to take away from the celebration of a covenant. At one point, the only reason I did want to have all that traditional stuff was for the pictures. I will want to have a nice photographer who will take artistic pictures—that I know for sure. Oh, and another reason I didn’t want a traditional wedding was because I’d forget about the fact that the day isn’t all about me. I love the idea of everyone focusing on me and thinking I’m beautiful and stuff. But first off, there’s also a groom involved, and he matters too. But more than that, I don’t want to focus on me on that day. I will want to be focused on God and me and [insert soul mate’s name here] making that covenant together with God.
In any case, I know I’m not ready for that yet. But someday. And on that someday, I’m going to imagine us walking with God through blood. Except that God is going to walk through that blood twice on behalf of us because making a covenant like that in the way that God intend us to can only be done through Him.

my new house

It bothers me that I don’t write in my blog that often. Not that many people are following this or anything. If you have been wanting to read all about my life and finding my blog to be outdated, I’m sorry. ;-) It is my dream to have a column like Sex and the City, so I should be staying on top of this blogging! From now on, I will set a goal of updating once a week. All my friends used to have xanga, in which we updated daily about the goings on of high school. It was pretty boring stuff, generally… For example, here’s one of my last xanga entries, written on April 26, 2006
“i dont like when ppl throw bugs at me. its not funny.
i'm going to see kutless and falling up tomorrow with some friends, and its free!!!
might have to do a presentation tomorrow in english, a little scared about that
the only major thing i have to do (other than finals) is a criticism of one of the literary writers that we are reading in brit lit. 5 to 8 pages, which means 5 pages of course.
i hate elections”
So my fear with this new blog was to start writing entries like that. That would just be a shame. BUT I do have stuff to say. For today, I will tell you all about my new house. I live on W. James St., which is a nice, quiet street right now, but it is two blocks from the F&M campus, so once school starts again, it will be very loud, I’m sure! The block I live on is typically a sorority/fraternity area, so I don’t know what to expect! By the way, I live with Mary and her sister Megan. We are looking for two other roommates, and God is really blessing us with possibilities for roommates recently! I have a lot of hope that it will work out. Two more roommates will make the rent $240 a month. God’s taking care of me; of that, I’m absolutely certain. That doesn’t mean that I’m not at all afraid of how the rent check will be paid and how I will afford food. But I know that it’s all going to be okay. It’s only money. I'm more and more reassured that God is taking care of me since Mary called from her orientation saying that one of the other VISTA volunteers is interested in moving in with us, and we are having someone over to see the house today. These two people could potentially be our two roommates. God only knows, as of now. But it is reassuring anyway.
My job is going well. I love all the people I work with. The hours are flexible, so if I want to start at 10 AM and go until 6:30, I can do that just as long as I get my 40 hours in. And it's not too professional of an atmosphere, so those things are just perfect for me. And I already mentioned in my last entry about why this job seems perfect for me.
As for IV, that hasn't started yet. The urban project was great and gave God the opportunity to stir my heart in very specific ways--ways I will be mentioning in my next post. :o) Other IV things, I'm blessed to be working with Bret and Betsy and entering a network with all the other IV staff. I've met a bunch of them, and I really like them. They are wonderful people. I don't know if I will want to be an IV staff at the end of this year, but we'll see where God leads! Other other IV things, I should start thinking about fundraising.
Okay, that's all for now. Thanks for listening :o)

all my life has culminated to this...

My job is going to be interesting. I had a meeting with my boss yesterday, and suddenly, a light bulb clicked. It’s like all my life has culminated into this. I realized it when she mentioned making a creative video to show to youth. I love making videos, and I am sometimes pretty decent at it! Also, I ALWAYS am the one to get up and talk to people about serious issues, and that’s what I’ll be doing here. I’m not the one talking to youth groups about love, I’m talking about homelessness. Talking about serious things is what I do best! And looking into the future, it’s good for me to make contacts with schools now because that’s what I want to do someday is to start a non-profit that would benefit urban education and get them the school supplies that they need, and I want to do that through other schools raising money and donating supplies.
This job is gaining the experience for me to go out and get people to care about a cause and to do something about it!!
I'm kind of terrified about having to call people up and ask them if I can come speak to their students. It's hard to know how to go about these things, but I just really feel like God is preparing me for what's to come in the future!!
How exciting and terrifying all at the same time. God is so good!

Urban Project - Week 1

When I got to Lancaster to start the Sidewalks Project, I admit, I had a really bad attitude about it. It made me really mad to think about not talking on the phone for a month or being on the internet when I wanted to. I like my freedom. So what happened was I moved into Bret and Betsy's house (IV staff) in Lancaster with 4 other girls. We had orientation for a few days just to start understanding why we were here. We got to meet some of Bret and Betsy's friends, which was really cool. Some of their friends intentionally live in the city, and we got to hear about their lives and their faith that has led them to Lancaster.
This week I am working at Lutheran Refugee Services with one of the other girls. It's a great place to be. The people who work here are wonderful. Sarah, the other girl I'm working with here, just started an ESL class for the kids of the recent refugees. We had the first class yesterday, and there were 9 kids there, ages 4-16. They were all Chin Burmese except for 2 Iraqi kids. They knew more English than we thought, we were ready to start with "hello, my name is" but they knew that stuff already pretty much! Then we did cute stuff like teaching them action verbs by actually doing the stuff. Dance, stop! Run, stop! Run fast! Run slow! hehehe But the cool thing was seeing these cases we had heard about turn into real people. I suddenly saw how important the work here at LRS is. Today I'm working at the front desk, which is scary because I have to answer phones and figure out the phone system. But the good thing is I get to blog!! The other girls are working at Water Street Rescue Mission.
Next week, I'm going to Philly for VISTA training for my actual job at Tabor Community Services, and I will start there the following week (29th). It has been interesting seeing God in new ways. I feel like people in the city are much more friendly than in the suburbs (at least where I live). But I guess you encounter people differently in the city than you do in the suburbs. When you're in a suburb, you see people at WalMart or Turkey Hill... but here, you see people on the streets or sitting on their porches.
Last Sunday, we went to a church called In The Streets. It was very charismatic, and I am not used to things like that. The church was very diverse culturally, which was cool to see. A really awesome thing was that the guy who leads the youth came up front with his wife and talking about how they are taking the youth to a retreat this week, and the pastor said how the guy wasn't going to get paid time off his job... so the pastor decides right there that he is going to give them $100 to help pay their bills. Then he asked for 9 other volunteers to do the same, and people just started raising their hands! I couldn't imagine people in my church being so generous. The wife was crying because she was just so touched. It was really awesome. BUT they had a prayer time at the end, and we saw some guy like convulsing as someone prayed for him, then he collapsed on the ground. I didn't know what was happening to the guy. Anyway we are going to a different cross-cultural church every week, which will be really cool.
God is challenging me to see everyone as His children--the homeless, the refugee, the business man. We come back to that who the hell do I think I am statement. It has just been interesting living here with everyone because no one makes fun of me for putting toothpaste on my pimples at night or wearing 3 braids at night to make my hair curly. I'm not used to people not making fun of me. Even when it is in jest, I still get made fun of.
OH we watched the movie Amistad last night, and it was WOW! There was some nudity I def could have done without, but what a fantastic movie. It is about slaves in Africa who led an uprising on the ship when they were being brought to America. There was a guy translating English to Mende for the lawyer, and the lawyer said something about "what I should have said," and the translator said, "I can't translate that. We don't have should in our language, either you do something or you don't." Then the African man who was imprisoned said, "What kind of a place is this where you almost mean what you say? Where laws almost work? How can you live like that?" I thought those quotes were really interesting.
Alright, I guess that's all for now.

Psalm 9

I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart - I don't want to hold back anymore. And I don't want any more conditions or ways I think you should be loving me. I just want to let you love me and allow myself to love you in return.

I will tell of Your marvelous works - I want to live my life in light of Your majesty, especially with my family and those with whom it is easy to be comfortable without intentionality in our interactions.

I will be glad and rejoice in You - when things don't make sense. When it is easy to just get angry at people, I will choose to look to You and rejoice in You, knowing that You are taking care of me.

I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High - because I am nothing without You. I will praise Your name, not my own. Give to God what is God's... and that's everything. That's all of me. You deserve all of it.

Do not let man prevail. Put them in fear, O Lord, that the nations may know themselves to be but men - who am I? Not because of who I am, but because of who you are. Oh God, ask us, " Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, that an abundance of water may cover you?"

I will praise You with my whole heart, I will tell of Your marvelous works, I will be glad and rejoice in You, I will sing praise to Your name - because You alone are worthy, and I cannot even stand without your strength soaring through my heart, my veins, my muscles - without Your breath of life granting me the honor of praising Your holy name.