between the lines

new hope in the new year

2012-01-01T21:48:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, I learned that Jesus was not actually born on December 25th, and that really bothered me. Why would we celebrate Jesus's birth on the wrong day? But now I think it's no mistake that Christmas comes right before the New Year celebration.

Christmas was very emotional for me this year in many ways. On the joyful side, TJ and I celebrated our very first Christmas together as a married couple. But on the less joyful side, this was our first Christmas celebrating with my parents as separate entities. The word I've been using with people when they ask about my Christmas is hectic. With my parents and my grandparents being divorced, we now celebrate Christmas in four separate places just for my side of the family. I can't express to you how deeply it hurt my soul to be at my Dad's house and not have my Mom there with us, and it was equally as painful to leave my Dad's house to celebrate with my Mom.

But I don't say all of this to bring on a pity party. We're talking about Christmas here. Christmas--the celebration of the birth of our Lord and Savior. Christmas is a time of beginnings. Christmas is the beginning of salvation. No matter what life might have looked like before--now that Jesus has come here to dwell among us, teach us how to be more like Him, and die so that we might live--we now have the hope of a new beginning. We now have forgiveness and grace.

And now it is a new year, and the only word that comes to mind is hope. I mentioned a long time ago on here that hope is an active verb. To hope is to wait expectantly. I have a lot of specific hopes for this upcoming year, but mostly, I am filled with the words of Romans 8:28. While 2011 was a great time of joy for TJ and me, it was also a time of sorrow. I suppose every year will have it's great joys and great sorrows, though maybe they won't be as magnified as much as our wedding and my parent's divorce. But through it all, we cling to the joys that God has brought and know that He works all things for the good of those who love him. This doesn't mean that if we love Him, everything will be good. But He will bring good out of our trials, if only we are willing to have hope and be open to seeing what He can do.

Celebrating beginnings and hope are what I, personally, needed most at the close of this year. Jesus is here, and it is a new year. So I know that I can be hopeful. I can wait in expectation for what He is going to do this year, and as I do, I trust that He is going to transform my life--not that He will prevent sorrows from coming my way, but that He will change how I see them.

grace at the intersection

2010-12-03T15:13:00.000-05:00

Something that has always baffled me about Harry Potter type stories is the fact that two people who both have magical powers don't keep casting spells to do and undo things. I mean, it makes sense to me that if someone casts a spell to, for example, build a wall where there previously was no wall, that the other wizard should just as easily be able to cast a spell to undo the wall. With powers like that, it's a wonder to me that anything ever gets done. Shouldn't spell casting be like in Sleeping Beauty when the two fairies keep changing the color of the dress because Flora thinks the dress should be pink, and Merriweather thinks it should be blue. I mean, if you have the power to make what you want, why wouldn't you just keep insisting on your way?

I like the fantasy of wish fulfillment that wizard stories provide. But it's just that, a fantasy. In real life, I learn that my personal happiness is not the ultimate goal of the universe. I realize this every time I drive somewhere. There's something about operating a giant piece of metal housing a V6 engine that makes me feel so untouchable and powerful. I start thinking that I'm the only one who knows how to drive, and I get pissed off because someone cuts me off or is driving too slow in front of me.

But being on the road requires grace. It means forgiving a person for cutting me off because I understand that we all make mistakes sometimes where don't realize we didn't have the space to switch lanes. It means understanding that maybe someone is driving slow because they are lost and trying to figure out convoluted directions to wherever they're going. But it's more than just that.

The way I see it, you can be the kind of person who does a rolling stop at the 4-way intersection and just goes, or you can be the kind of person who lets the other person go first when you arrive at the intersection at the same time. Personally, I think it makes sense to let the other person go because then you are absolutely ensuring that you will not have a collision due to both thinking that it was your turn to go first. Grace can just be practical sometimes--submission to the other person in order to avoid a collision. On the road, we all have somewhere we have to be. So being a driver who thinks that you are the only person in a hurry is dangerous. And living as if you are the only person whose feelings matter and whose needs and desires should be met is, likewise, dangerous. When it comes to driving, I always [try to] practice grace. When it comes to life, well, I'm working on it.

It's not easy, but I actually think that offering grace to others is the less dangerous way to live. Not only because God says that's what we should do, but also because insisting that a dress be pink instead of blue can make a mess of things. Sure, we all want the dress to be the color of our choice rather than the color of someone else's choice, and we all want to be the first driver to get to go at the intersection, but me getting my way isn't what this world is about. [Even as I say that, I'm like, say WHAT?!]

But if I can remember that the world doesn't revolve around me, I can put others first and avoid unnecessary collisions. Practicing grace might not always get me that thing I wanted, but wish fulfillment isn't reality anyway, is it?

future mrs rieger

2010-11-09T17:31:00.000-05:00

Yes, facebook speaks truth; I am, in fact, engaged! TJ and I got engaged two weeks ago (Oct 26). We were going to be having dinner at The Pressroom, which is in the city. TJ was living about 15 minutes outside of the city, but he told me to be at his place at 4 PM. I was like, what the heck, why is he making me dress up and drive to his place out of the way?! The thought that he might be proposing crossed my mind, but I had to stop thinking about that because I didn't want to be disappointed if he didn't. I figured since he was planning a nice date, though, that I would just go to his place like he asked, and if he didn't have a good reason for me coming out there, I would yell at him later. I showed up at his place promptly at 4, and he brought me in the living room where he had set up candles and scattered rose petals and chocolate truffles everywhere. I was in shock! He told me to sit down and listen to a poem he had written, and the poem ended with him asking "will you marry me?" He got down on one knee, and popped open a trick door on the side of the coffee table, and he had the ring box hiding in there. I couldn't even speak at first because I was so in shock!! But I said yes, of course!

Anyway, it was such a joy to call everyone and tell them about it. But we didn't get to rest in that for very long because all the planning started right away. And as it turns out, wedding planning isn't as fun when you don't have endless money to spend on it. Weddings are expensive. I've been dreaming about my wedding for my entire life, but now I'm finding out that I can't really have all those things that I dreamed about. But I'm glad for it. This wedding is not about having a dream day full of lilies and outdoor reception tents; it's about celebrating the beginning of a marriage with the man that I love.

And rearranging my priorities in regards to this wedding begs the questions: how does God want us to spend money for this wedding? What part does stewardship play in this one-time occasion? Knowing how Jesus found it important to provide really good wine for the wedding at Cana reminds me that God really wants to bless us and love us lavishly. But I also know that spending too much time and too much money on fancy decorations and unneeded traditions is not how God would want us to celebrate our marriage. I keep thinking, why is this so complicated? I just want to stand up in front of everyone we know and commit my life to TJ! But this process is meant to be joyous, and it's partly meant to be an opportunity to offer hospitality to our wedding guests. And that's pretty exciting.

Spending a good chunk of money on a wedding is inevitable, but remembering why we're spending that money is important to me. I don't like following traditions just because that's the way things are done. With every step in this process, I want to keep asking why and keep centering on what's important in this wedding, and to TJ and I, what's important is glorifying God through this. Believe me, I want to get married outside under a beautiful huppah beside a lake with the grass so green that it hardly even looks real. I want our reception to be under an outdoor tent with hanging Christmas lights and centerpieces with yellow gerber daisies. I want a cool dance floor in the center where all of us can shake our groove things. I want beautiful simplicity. But what I really want is to commit my life to TJ. I love him so much, and being with him for the rest of my life is my dream. Being with TJ is what I care about, not having some dream wedding. That's why I'm glad that weddings are so expensive. It forces me to keep my priorities straight and center back on the things that really matter. :-)

kick me

2010-10-12T00:53:00.001-04:00

I've been looking at my body lately and haven't been too happy with the way it looks. I work at a pizza shop and can eat anything I want, and so my meals usually involve lots of cheese, and they usually don't happen until 8 PM. This lifestyle is wreaking havoc on my body. But I'm sure I'm the only person who is thinking that I'm a fatty mcfatster (yes, that is what I call myself when I look in the mirror). TJ doesn't like it when I call myself fat because he thinks I'm beautiful. He once kicked me because I called myself fat. True story! We were at the top of the stairs, and he kicked me playfully, and I almost fell down the stairs. What a tough punishment that would have been for criticizing myself too harshly...

But he was right to kick me.

Everyone is always their hardest critic, and sometimes that just means that you don't think your poem is that great even though it is, but more often than not, it gives you broken record messages that really kill your soul. My friend Betsy once told me that if something isn't nice to say about someone else, it isn't nice to say it about yourself either. That really hit me. Why is it that we would never let someone else think that they are ugly, but we so easily say it about ourselves?

I've thought a lot of horrible things about myself. Good for nothing, fat, ugly, crazy... the list goes on. And I bet as you (my lovely friends) read this, you are probably cringing at how untrue you think that is. Thank you. No wonder it's not good for man to be alone. Man needs other people to keep him grounded and kick him when he starts believing the broken records above God's truth.

But moreover than deeming oneself fat or ugly, I can think of no deeper soul killing lie than the broken record saying that you are worthless in God's eyes. Nothing could be further from the truth. That's the beauty of it all, that though we are all unworthy, God says that He loves us. It's easy to believe that what you've done or what has happened to you has tipped the scales to render you unworthy of God's grace, but it's just not true. I would never let anyone I love believe that they don't have a chance to be close to God because their past is ugly. I would always point my loved ones to hope. And I think that if I believe in God's love, grace, and hope when it pertains to my loved ones, I have to believe it for my life.

When I start believing the lies, I like to think about who God is. And then I hear stories about God changing the hearts and lives of drug addicts, murderers, and prostitutes, and I remember Him. I remember that my God is all about taking a mess and making it beautiful for His glory. And because I believe that God creates and makes things new, I can believe in hope above the broken records that spin in my head. I can let go of those lies because God wants to write a new chapter in the story, and it's safe with Him because my story's ending is secure.

And just in case you have records spinning lies in your head, which you probably do because I think we all do, I intend to kick you and remind you of God's truth when you have trouble hearing it above the noise of the broken records. And remember, since you would never be okay with me believing that I am worthless, ugly, and fat, you shouldn't be okay with believing it about yourself!

psalm 61

2010-09-27T14:46:00.000-04:00

My dad is having a bone marrow test done today because they saw some abnormal cells or something like that in his spine. I'd say more but I don't really understand medical things, plus we don't know much more than that. Anyway, my point is that today I was really worried about it. I have been scared about what the doctors are going to find and all that, though I am really thankful that the tests are being done so that if there is something wrong, we can get it taken care of! Still, it's scary.

So I started praying today, and I felt God just giving me reassurance that He is carrying me, and my dad, and my family. He is taking care of us. And I instantly felt peace. It was funny because as I was praying, I was putting my laundry away. And then I compulsively wanted to tidy up my room, but I felt God asking me to put all that aside, and just worship him. So I opened my bible, and I turned to Proverbs, since I've been reading through that. And it didn't feel right for where I am today, so I turned to Psalms instead. I came to Psalm 61, where it says "From the end of the earth I will cry to You when my heart is overwhelmed; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been a shelter for me, a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in Your tabernacle forever; I will trust in the shelter of Your wings." Amazing, right? God is carrying me, so I can rest in the shelter of His wings.

So then I went downstairs to play my Urbana cd, and as I was setting my ipod up, I saw that the napkin holder was empty, and I wanted to put some more napkins in the holder. So again, I had to actively accept God's invitation to put my housework aside. It's funny how that is such a hard thing for me to do. Anyway, I put on the song "In Christ Alone," one of my all-time favorites. I turned it up really loud and went into the living room and just lifted my hands. I didn't even sing along with it. I just stood there. And it felt so freeing to just stand in God's grace. So that's what I did.

I'm still anxious about the verdict of my Dad's test. But honestly, I've never felt so close to God as I do today. It's no wonder that when I'm overwhelmed by life's situations, worship is always the appropriate place to start. There's a silly quote that says "Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell your storm how big your God is." Well, silly isn't a good description because I actually think it's a beautiful quote. I love that God knows how big my storm is, and I can trust the burdens of my heart with Him and know that he won't invalidate my feelings. And I love that when I stop what I'm doing and just worship Him and remember how big He is, I feel secure, and I trust that He is much bigger than anything I'm going through. He's got this!

My soul, wait silently for God alone,
for my expectation is from Him.
He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
In God is my salvation and my glory;
The rock of my strength,
and my refuge, is in God.
-Psalm 62:5-7

preparing for a marriage

2010-09-20T00:32:00.000-04:00

I hesitate to write about this topic because I don't want to freak my boyfriend out, but let me just give my disclaimer that this isn't really about that. You see, I'm a girl who has been planning her wedding ever since [insert an age or milestone event for dramatic event]. I just love weddings. I always have, so I jump at any opportunity to attend one. I love every part of it. I love when the groom walks out, looking dashing, clasping his hands in front of him with a strong stance and looking towards the door for his bride to walk in. I love the moment just before the bride walks in, when you can feel everyone's anticipation of the moment when she will start walking with her father down the aisle. I loved seeing my friend Melissa, who doesn't really cry that often, start crying when she got halfway down the aisle. I loved seeing my friends BJ and Kristie passing tissues to each other, as they both shed tears of joy at their wedding. I love the ease with which the couple interacts with their family and friends. Well, you get the idea.... I love weddings. So naturally, I've been anticipating mine for my whole life. The style of the dress, the colors, the month, the food, the playlist. I've spent my whole life planning my wedding.

But you know how those events go... you anticipate something for so long, and you build it up so much, and then all of a sudden, it's over. It's not that it was a let down; it's just that you have been planning it and preparing for it for such a long time, and then suddenly, it's the day after. My wedding day will just be one day of my life. It will be a very blessed day, one of the best of my life probably, but it must feel weird when it's over. I'm sure it takes a few weeks, once you come back from the honeymoon and have settled into your new apartment, when you realize that this day that you have always been planning for is over. I've spent a lot of time dreaming about a destination wedding here at Hore Abbey in Ireland. And I've made a lot of plans in my mind about how my wedding day will be, but it's a bit silly, isn't it? It's just one day.

That's why I think it's much more wise to prepare for a marriage, since that has much longer time span than a wedding. Preparing for a marriage has a checklist including, but not limited to:

Learn to forgive and accept forgiveness in return.
Learn to be loving in the hard times
Learn to share my resources unselfishly
Learn to put Jesus first in my relationship
Learn to listen well
Learn to communicate love in ways that my partner understands
Learn to give when I would rather just take
Learn how to grant acceptance, be an encourager and a helper
etc.

The list goes on and on, of course, since a marriage is meant to be a deep journey of pursuing the other's heart "as long as you both shall live."

I love weddings, so I will probably continue to think about colors and locations and playlists, but I think what matters more is preparing for a marriage. When people attend my wedding someday, they will definitely spend some of the evening exclaiming that Jess Bui is a FANTASTIC wedding planner/party thrower, not to mention a ridiculously beautiful bride. But I intend for most of their awe to be about the reverent beauty of a wedding that isn't about a perfect wedding day, but rather a celebration of the first day of a marriage. I want my family and friends to be inspired by the couple before them who are vowing to forgive and love and encourage and pursue each other's hearts for the rest of their lives. So from now on, I'm going to put more thoughts and prayers into preparing for a marriage, rather than focusing on flowers and outdoor reception tents. A marriage matters more than a wedding day.

on teleportation and hiking

2010-09-12T12:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I drove by a place called Susquehanna Scenic Vista or something like that, and I just had to check it out. As it turns out, it was basically a big hill, and it ran through the mason dixon trail. The main walkway to get to the top snaked around the hill, which I didn't think made all that much sense. I figured that going straight up would save a lot of time and energy, seeing as it wasn't really that steep, but I followed the winding path anyway. It was a fun adventure to go on, and it made me realize that hiking isn't really about the scenic vista at the top. On the walk, I got to see some horses and some really big mansions that I wouldn't have gotten to see if I had just taken a straight path up the hill. Adventures are really all about the journey and not the destination. It would be boring if you could just get straight to the top right away.

I mean I understand that whole "it's the climb" philosophy, but I've never really been convinced. I'm more of a destination kind of girl. I think that's why the idea of teleportation always excited me so much. My friend Molly and I used to pretend that we had watches that could teleport us to anywhere and any time period we wanted to go to. I like that. I just thought the value of the journey was overrated. Let's just get there already! Who really needs to learn something along the way? Not me.

I recently read that it takes most people 10 years after college to get settled into the perfect job. Do you know how miserable that sounds to me? 10 whole years?! So by the time I pay off the college loans, THEN I'll find the right job. Great. You see, when I was in high school, I told my English teacher that I wanted to be a lawyer, and she said that I should go to Lebanon Valley College and major in English. And since I'm not much of a decision maker, that's what I did. I just wanted a straight and narrow path. I didn't want to change my mind halfway through college and have to stay an extra semester or two to finish. So when I decided I didn't want to be a lawyer anymore, I didn't consider changing my major to something else. I don't think I ever would have because I love English, but it's not the most clear cut major. It's not accounting or elementary ed, that's for sure. I do love literature, and I had a fantastic time discussing it during college... but now I'm a waitress. And apparently this is part of the journey. And apparently I can't just go straight up the hill and get to the destinations right away, like publishing a best-selling book, getting married, having a baby. Sometimes I wish I could just teleport to those places instead of living this incessant "climb."

But when I think about it, what really is the destination? Isn't publishing a best-selling book and getting married still just part of the journey? I guess life is a journey in itself, and it's not like you get somewhere and then stop and enjoy the view forever. That would be boring, too. The story doesn't end when you get to the top of Mt. Everest; you still have to climb down. And I imagine that once you get to the bottom, you start thinking about your next adventure. No hiker or mountain climber would want to just teleport to the top. What would be the point of that?

In my life, I'm craving adventure so much. It's not actually those destinations that I crave. So I want to start focusing on living an adventure and enjoying the view at each step because I think that if I'm always just waiting to get to the destination, I'm never going to be happy. Teleportation would be awesome because I'd probably zap myself to Paris right now or maybe Vietnam or 2005. But since teleportation doesn't exist, and all we have is the journey of here and now, I'm just going to keep walking and keep seeking adventures.

to be isaac

2010-08-20T00:57:00.000-04:00

I picture a young boy who was so excited to be going on an adventure with his Dad one morning. They hiked up a mountain, and Isaac was probably jumping around and asking his Dad all sorts of questions about what they were going to do that day, and meanwhile, Abraham must have been so solemn and heartbroken as he thought about what he was about to do. I wonder if he felt guilty for explaining away the absence of a lamb. When they got to the spot where they would normally sacrifice a lamb, Abraham must have been shaking so hard as he asked Isaac to get up on the rock. I wonder if Isaac was afraid when Abraham started to bind him to the rock. And what must Isaac have been thinking as his dad lifted a knife above his head? Did he understand what was about to happen? Did Isaac hear the angel telling Abraham not to harm him? I wonder what it must have felt like for Isaac after they sacrificed the ram. Did he have trouble trusting his father, who almost killed him? And did Isaac question what kind of God would ask his father to kill him?

You see, I understand that Abraham got to experience how faithful God is through this act of obedience, but what did that mean for Isaac? Would he have been able to understand that Abraham was just doing what God asked him to do? And even if he could understand that, would that have been enough to give him peace?

There had to have been more to the story. I believe that because when you are dealing with people, there is no such thing as a clean break. It's one thing if God is asking you to get rid of your TV or block youtube because of struggles with lust or something like that; obedience, in those cases, is something altogether different from ending a relationship with someone.

I bet Abraham wrestled with God over a zillion questions when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac. But Isaac didn't get to go through the same process, so he had to process his questions afterward. I wonder if Abraham had to give him the short explanation, due to his age, and wait to give him a deeper explanation when he got older.

I'd like to think that our obedience to God would leave everything with a clean break--that when God asks someone to do something, it wouldn't break the other person's heart or leave them with so many questions that they don't know what to do with. But that's just not always the case. Sometimes you are left, shell shocked, standing in the wreckage of an atomic bomb, looking for anything that's left to salvage. You wouldn't think that the aftermath of someone's obedience to God would hurt so damn badly, but the confusion can be crippling. The fear can make you go hide behind a rock whenever something triggers a flashback.

I wonder if any of Abraham's explanations were helpful to Isaac. I think he was lucky because he had his father there to try to answer his questions. But what if you don't have the opportunity to ask your questions? What if you just want some answers? And what is worse: never knowing the answers, or getting the answers and finding out that they aren't all that satisfactory?

It's confusing, right? Someone binding you to a rock and holding a knife over their head, saying that they are just doing what God asked them to do... what must that feel like? I think I get it. But I guess since Isaac didn't live the rest of his life emotionally crippled (or so I assume), I have to just trust God, whether or not I ever get any answers to my questions.

waiting is good

2010-08-09T14:34:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about intimacy lately. More specifically, I've been thinking about why God asks us to wait until we're married to have sex. Growing up in my Christian culture, I've been given lots of reasons why, and I don't know if any of them really stick out to me as the reason why I sat around in middle school with a bunch of other girls and pledged to wait until marriage. Maybe our reasons have to change and evolve as time goes on to keep us believing what we believe. I don't know for sure.

The problem with me is that I like doing things in a hurry. I always have. I'm not one of those "it's the climb" kind of people, even though I think Miley makes a good point. So I'm always trying to rush things. It's funny though because I really dislike change, and to be honest, I don't think I can handle too much reality at once. But I'm an impatient woman, and I don't like waiting for things. Time is a funny thing because I feel like we are always wanting to rush things along, but at the same time, we want time to slow down or even stop just for a little so that we can enjoy the moment.

So, here I am thinking about sex and waiting and hurrying things, and it all spins around in my head and always ends with a sigh and some variation of "Well, I'm waiting, and waiting is good." And waiting is good. I had to convince myself of that for a while, but now I actually believe it. I think waiting is a gift. I think that not rushing and taking things step by step is a gift from God.

We like to hurry things (or is it just me?), but I don't think anything is ever the best it could be when it's rushed. I mean to say, it's not easy to share intimacy with someone (or is it just me?). I find it to be really difficult. And so I'm thankful that the best way to have a relationship is to take things step by step because I don't think I could handle it if things happened too fast. That's just too much reality for me. Too much emotion. Just too much.

Silly Christian dating books tell you things like that your sexuality is like a piece of tape, and if you give yourself away to a bunch of people, it's like sticking a piece of tape to soemthing again and again, and eventually, it loses its stickiness. Or they tell you that a relationship is like a 5 course meal, and you should enjoy each course separately, and if you have sex too soon, it's like putting those 5 courses into a blender and drinking them all at once. Okay, whatever, that's not going to stop me. But to be fair, I think those arguments did make sense to me at one time.

Joy and I used to talk a lot about sex... things like whether we would regret it if we slept with someone and then married someone else later on. And I don't know the answers to any of those questions. All I know is that I believe that, ultimately, waiting is good. Waiting is good because intimacy is important and carries a lot of weight. Waiting is a gift because we can't handle too much reality at once. We have to take things step by step, building intimacy and connection through memories and conversations. Movies seem to make things happen so quickly, but that's just not how it's supposed to go. What is beautiful and holy is getting giddy about holding someone's hand, and then later getting excited about him putting his arm around you, and so on and so forth, moving slowly and not giving too much too fast. Sex is easier than love, Switchfoot has told me. And I like things to be easier, but I would rather take the time to build real intimacy with someone. Plus, I think the cliche is true: good things come to those who have to wait. ;-)

on parenthood

2010-07-19T00:52:00.001-04:00

I've recently become a huge Donald Miller fan. His writing is witty and deep and refreshing. My first Miller book was his newest one, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I wish the title wasn't so long and weird because it feels awkward to talk about it, but in any case, I absolutely loved this book. Miller talks about the elements that make a good story and how these same elements relate to having a good story in life. It's a really relevant topic for me because I feel like I'm at [yet another] transitional phase. I'm "just waitressing" as I've been putting it to people who ask what I'm up to. I don't know what I want to do in the longterm sense. I'd be honest and tell you that I want to be a writer, but for me to say that I want to be the next Donald Miller is a bit like saying I want to be the next Miley Cyrus. It's a lofty dream, I know. So though I'm a bit of a wanderer right now, I can tell you one thing for sure: I want to live a good story.

I want to live a good story that is deep and meaningful. I want my story to have faith and love and laughter and courage. I want my story to show the people around me that there is something more worth living for because I believe that how we live our lives shows the people around us what has value and what doesn't.

And that's where parenting comes in... I'm definitely not ready to be a mother yet, so sometimes I think about what I could be doing now to learn how to be a good mother. I thought about going to visit my friend Allie's baby so I could learn to change a diaper. And I should probably learn to cook something other than pasta. And get one of those credit cards with reward points for my kids' college funds; you can't start saving too early!

I could do all those things, but when it comes down to it, I think the best way to prepare for giving my future children the best life is to live a good story myself. I want my children to live great stories, where they love deeply and go for their dreams and put all their faith in Jesus. And the best way to teach them how to do that is to do the same for my own life.

I once heard that the best thing you can do for your children is to love your spouse well. Loving your spouse well shows your children unconditional, sacrificial, and [dare I say?] mutually submissive love. It's showing your children a good story from which they can learn what has value, what is worth dying for, and what isn't.

Donald Miller talks about a friend of his who found out his teenage daughter was dating a bad boy and smoking pot and such. The dad yelled, but it didn't change his daughter. What finally made the difference was her family creating a better story for her and inviting her into it. They decided to fund the building of an orphanage in Mexico, and the daughter got really into it and even wanted to go to Mexico and meet some of the kids they were trying to help. They created a better story for their family to live, and their daughter's life was transformed because she had a better role to play in life. Praise God!

So yeah, I think the best and most loving thing I can be doing right now for my future children is to live a good story--a passionate story from which others can see the glory of God shining through. I want to grow closer to God and value the things that He values. I want to learn to love well and deepen my relationships with those around me, and I want to laugh a lot. I want to be brave and take chances and not be afraid of making a complete fool out of myself. And in doing so, my children will see an example of a great story, and they will be inspired to live, laugh, and love in their lives with full appreciation of God's gifts and the chance to take part in the beauty that God has created.

I might be "just waitressing" at the moment, but there's so much more that God has for me during this period of my life, and I'm excited [and scared] about it! I intend to live my story full of romantic intrigues and daring swordfights so that someday I can tell my children all about being a 23 year old.

reminders of grace

2010-06-14T13:29:00.002-04:00

I have a bad driving record. Anyone who knows me at all knows this about me. You would think it's to the point where my friends would say that they don't want me to drive them anywhere ever. You'd think they'd stop trusting me. Needless to say, I was pretty tough on myself about getting in this last car accident. I was pretty sure I would never trust myself to drive a car ever again. So imagine my surprise when I got a call from my friend Jesse about a week after my accident, and he was offering his car to me for the next two weeks while he was at chapter camp. I thought to myself, "Do you even know what my driving record is like? Do you realize that I have a history of doing this?" I was so flabbergasted that he would trust me, all things considered, because I certainly didn't merit his trust in this particular area. Part of me thought, "Man, Jesse, what are you thinking?!" Well, actually that was probably all of me at first. It wasn't until later when I realized that Jesse was extending me grace. In spite of my driving record, Jesse didn't look at me like I was a screw up who didn't deserve trust with his car.

Due to my driving record, I've now been kicked off my parents' car insurance. After crying myself to exhaustion in the storage closet at Tabor, rubbing snot on my dress, and asking God, "Why did I have to get in another car accident?! This wouldn't have happened if it weren't for that accident!," I politely asked Him if He could turn back time a bit so we could just undo the whole ordeal. For some reason, He chose not to comply. But believe me, I know that I am a blessed woman. The problem is that it can be so easy to forget sometimes when I'm sitting on the floor in a storage closet thinking, "why me?" That's why I need to be reminded about grace sometimes...or more like constantly. I need friends and family to offer me grace and make God's love complete (1 John 4:12) because it's too easy to forget about my blessings when my circumstances start to drown me.

God's recent reminders of grace in my life have been humdingers (although, of course, grace is by definition always a humdinger!). I was so struck by God's grace one evening as I was waiting for TJ to come pick me up. It occurred to me that I didn't deserve TJ to be so nice to me. In fact, due to my experiences, I half expected him to feign disappointment and say "Oh well, I have stuff to do tonight anyway" when I called to say that my alleyway was blocked so I couldn't drive to his house. So when he said he would come pick me up, I didn't even know if I could accept the offer. But TJ was offering me a reminder of grace.

I know this doesn't sound like much of a humdinger, but the key background information that you need to know is that I had been running away from God not too long before then. I mentioned this a bit in other entries, so I won't go into details, but I had no desire to engage with God for about a month or so. And there He was in all His glory, blessing me anyway. I asked Him why He was being so good to me when just a bit ago, I hadn't even wanted to talk to Him. I told Him I didn't deserve to have someone like TJ in my life, being a white knight, bringing me flowers, offering to come pick me up. I didn't understand why God was blessing me when I was clearly undeserving.

But that's grace for you. I couldn't possibly earn it no matter how hard I'd try... and I think that grace really hit me that day as I waited for TJ to pick me up because I knew how I had blatantly chosen not to engage with God. So to experience blessings after going through a period like that was experiencing grace to the fullest because I couldn't possibly think I deserved any blessing.And after going through a period like that, I think I needed God to offer a big romantic gesture to remind me of His grace. That day, while waiting for TJ to pick me up, God was Derek to my Meredith--on top of a mountain, standing among paper bags with candles in them forming the outline of a house, exclaiming that He thinks we can be extraordinary together. There was no way to ignore a big romantic gesture like that. (God knows I go weak in the knees for big romantic gestures!)

Not all reminders of grace are big romantic gestures, though. Sometimes they're more subtle. But they're all humdingers because, well, how can it NOT be a humdinger when God shows you that He thinks you're worth it, that you're not just some screw up, that He wants something extraordinary with you?! And in a world where we are constantly faced with lies telling us that we are just worthless screw ups, it becomes absolutely imperative that we extend grace to those around us as a reminder that God blesses us and loves us, even though we really don't deserve it. We need to give reminders of God's grace so that others can keep having their Grey's Anatomy-like, extraordinary moments when, otherwise, they might have just cried in a storage closet about something or other.

and the poetry lives on

2010-06-08T12:39:00.000-04:00

I once wrote that I didn't want to ever see things differently. I wanted the poetry I had written to always mean what it meant at that time to me. And yet, in the same paragraph, I claimed to be letting things go and understanding that my current view of love was a working definition. But I wasn't really letting things go, and I wasn't willing to let my definition of love be molded. The truth is, I was terrified to let things go. And oddly enough, part of the reason I was afraid of letting it go was because I really, truly, deeply dislike when my feelings are invalidated. Even in this case, when it meant damaging my heart deeper and deeper because I stubbornly thought I had to be committed and keep clinging to something that wasn't really there and hadn't been for a long time, if ever, I couldn't bear the thought of my words, my poetry being invalidated and meaning nothing.

My poems are like horcruxes, the darkest of dark magic in the Harry Potter world, where I've placed pieces of my heart, thinking that it's safe, but I find out later that when the feeling behind my poetry finds itself invalidated, it not only destroys the poem, but it destroys that part of my heart that hid there. It's a gamble to spread myself so thin and create all these horcruxes. Shakespeare liked the idea of immortalizing himself (and others) in his poetry. He said that his lines were eternal. I kind of wonder if he ever experienced something where the woman/man (who knows?) he wrote sonnet 18 for turned out to not be as lovely and temperate as he thought. And if he did, what did he do with that poem afterward? Would he even have wanted it published?

In the aftermath, though, I find my poetry still belonging to me. The feelings are still mine to hold. Just because I don't feel the same way now doesn't mean that those feelings were invalid. That's the beauty of literature, isn't it? Literature lives on, takes on a new shape, and means one thing to one person and another thing to someone else. And mine is no exception. So just as I originally thought, my heart is safe hidden between the lines.

And as it turns out, I really do have a working definition of love. Having a working definition of love means that as I grow closer to the Lord, I will learn how to love others more and more as Christ would have me do. And that's a Good thing, with a capital G. I regret that I wasn't able to love better in the past. But I realize that I was where I was, and just because I'm not still where I was does not mean that the way I felt then is invalid. That's why my horcruxes haven't been destroyed. The nature of [good] literature is that it lives on, even if the original muse is gone. In Sonnet 18, Shakespeare thought about comparing his beloved to a summer's day, but he realized that summer fades. But his eternal lines, well, they're eternal.

Likewise, my eternal lines continue to morph as my definition of love is refined over time. So when I think of poems like "Lavendar Petals" or "Grounded," I now feel the freedom in knowing that these poems can live on and mean something different, as my viewpoint changes. Because that's good literature, right? And that's Good to know for life. My definition of love is being refined, praise God! And as my definition of love deepens, the poetry I write is becoming deeper, and the poetry I wrote yesterday changes shape to mean something even more to me than it meant before. Maybe that's why I love poetry so much--my feelings can never be invalidated in my poetry, so long as I remember that my definition of love is a working definition and that seeing things differently is actually a good thing. No, it's more than a good thing, it's a Good thing.

sentimental stuff

2010-06-01T16:03:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time when my parents were dating, my mom accused my dad of caring more about money than he did about her. So he took his money and ripped it up, saying "You think I care about money? Here's how much I care about money!" Now, the idea of ripping money up kind of makes me want to cry, but you have to give the guy props for being willing to do that to show her that he did not, in fact, value his money more than he valued her.

As for me, I like to keep memories in a box. I like to save special emails in a folder. I like to keep photos organized neatly in a photo album, chronologically from the beginning of the semester to the end. In short, I'm sentimental. So for me to get rid of my sentimental stuff is a big deal. It wasn't until a few months a go when I decided to clean out a folder of emails that I had saved that I understood what it means to let go of stuff. My original intention was to organize the folder by cleaning out some of the emails that didn't really say anything, which was about half of them. But there I stood with at least 30 emails remaining, so I started to get rid of ones that meant only a little, and after a few times reading through, I was down to 6. Honestly, I couldn't delete those last 6 that day. Some of them said meaningful things, and others were meaningful because I remembered how I didn't win that argument, but this email proved that I clearly should have won. I knew I would delete those last 6 emails eventually, but I couldn't do it yet.

I didn't put pressure on myself to delete those remaining emails. I had deleted a lot, and it felt really good. In fact, I couldn't believe how good it felt. I no longer had any record of those conversations ever taking place, and that was okay. I was okay. I half expected one of my limbs to fall off, I think. Every time I deleted one of the emails, I held my breath and examined my extremities, just waiting for one of them to disappear because I had just deleted what I thought was a piece of me. And when I found myself fully intact, I realized how good it felt to know that I was still whole. A few days later, I was able to delete the last few emails. And yes, I still have ten fingers, ten toes, and all the necessary body parts holding those extremities in place!

The whole ordeal was a bit like my dad ripping up money. In the end, it wasn't about me cleaning up my gmail folders. Rather, it was a statement about letting go of my past relationship; it was me saying that I no longer attach meaning to those things, and it no longer matters. I no longer had one foot stuck in the past. It's saying, YOU matter more than the memories of what used to be. (And speaking of losing a limb, doesn't keeping one foot in the past sound like the real way to do that?)

Knowing that God is jealous for me, I wonder if that's a bit like how He feels when I tithe my money, give away my possessions, or sacrifice for someone else's sake. Letting go of the things that we used to put value in might be how we're demonstrating to God that He matters more. When we choose not to place value in money, beauty, etc, it's like we are making the same declaration that Paul made--that he counts everything as loss compared to knowing Jesus. Choosing selfishness or love of money over my love for God is a bit like saying, "I love you, TJ... but I'm going to keep all my old emails and reminisce about my past relationships from time to time. I hope that's okay with you." Yeah, that would definitely not be okay with him.

Obviously counting everything as loss compared to knowing Jesus matters a lot more than letting go of my old emails. But why is it that sometimes we can so easily justify our love for money when we can clearly see that putting value in my old emails isn't okay? Letting go of all the things I could value more than my relationship with God has the same freeing result as deleting emails or ripping up money... I realize that I'm okay. In fact, I'm more than okay, I'm good. And I mean good with a capital G. Good.

I still have my box of memories (though I have gotten rid of some of the things in it). And there isn't anything wrong with keeping the box, but I need to give it the proper value it merits, which means, in short, trusting that all of my limbs will stay attached to my body, even without that stuff.

"A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home" -Rumi

i can run really fast

2010-05-18T16:02:00.003-04:00

"Am I protecting myself?
Hell yeah, I am.
I can run really fast."

I never knew how terribly fond I am of running away. But I don't like dealing with messes or conflict, so it actually makes perfect sense. I distinctly remember one time during the fall of my junior year when I asked Ryan if he would run with me because we needed to talk, and he said yes. Then a half an hour later he decided to watch a movie with Alyssa instead. I was just left on the street when they walked the other way. I felt so abandoned, but I couldn't even say, "Hey, you said you would run with me!" I mean, at the very least, I could have said that. But I didn't. So that night I ran by myself, fast and hard... it felt so powerful. It was actually a really good God moment for me. But the fact remains, I was running away, and when I got back to my dorm, nothing had been solved.

Nearly two years later, I took my ipod and ran down past the barn to the meadow at my Grandma's house. I used to walk down that path with my Grandpa a lot when I was a kid. There's a path along the corn field that leads to a pond. I started running full speed down the path as I cried, leaving my flip flops behind in the grass because they only slowed me down. I just ran barefoot until I got to the pond, then I stopped because I couldn't run anymore. I stopped for a few minutes, doubled over, panting and asking God, "What now?" and "Why?" These questions only made me feel more angry, so I began to sprint again, up the hill this time. Until finally, the grass ran out, forming a triangle where the path ended... I stopped, glancing between the rocky path that continued up the hill and the corn field beside it, realizing there was no where else to go. Not ready to turn back, I lay down in the grass in an X position, turning Tenth Avenue North's plea into more of a challenge to God, "If you're everything you say you are, won't you come close and hold my heart." But after all that exhaustion, I had to turn back from the path. There was no where else to go. I had to turn back and face everything.

It was only a few hours prior to that when I wrote that I was protecting myself. But you know what, I didn't feel protected when I was driving home in my car, alternating between screaming and holding my hand over my mouth to stop the screaming. It seems like if I had chosen to be real and honest instead of running away from how I felt, maybe it wouldn't have had to hurt so badly. I mean at that point, maybe it wouldn't have made a difference, but running away certainly didn't help. Sure, I can run really fast. But if it doesn't solve anything--if it isn't really protecting me--what's the point of using up my energy on running?

I'd like to be the kind of person who is not afraid to be real and honest and face issues head on and expend all my energy on doing that instead of wasting energy on running away. And at the end of the day, after sticking to the deep determination to talk through things even though I just wanted to go hide under a rock, I would collapse on the floor in that X position that I'm so very fond of and know that it was okay... I didn't have to protect myself because being open and exposed was okay. And because you can't run forever, no matter how hard you try.

"No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in there. Open and exposed and feeling way too much. Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable. Sometimes that's the only thing left--just feeling." -Grey's Anatomy

greatest hits

2010-05-13T13:20:00.002-04:00

This one time at the beginning of my senior year, I was at the CCO welcome service for the freshman, and during worship, I thought about how I really wanted to hear the song "Beautiful One." But then I thought about the last time I heard that song, which was during the same worship service the previous year; I was leading worship between Alyssa and Ryan, and I remember thinking, man, I am so blessed to be standing here worshiping next to my boyfriend and my best friend. The memory almost made me change my mind about wanting to hear that song. But wouldn't you know that "Beautiful One" was the next song they played! And I felt God telling me, very clearly, "Now you can remember this moment when you hear this song." God gave me a new memory for that song, and now "Beautiful One" is one of me and God's special songs!

God knows I'm a sentimental person, so He likes to romance me in this way quite often. I can remember a time last summer when we were visiting a church during Sidewalks... God played a few of our special songs that I hadn't heard in a while. First, He brought back a song I had been wanting to find ever since I heard some students sing it at chapter camp called "Til I See You." Then He played a song that I LOVED in high school and used to make Dennis play ALL THE TIME called "Sing for Joy." And as if that wasn't enough, He played "Friend of God," which I don't necessarily like, but it has a great memory attached to it from the beginning of me and Vanessa's friendship. That service was like me and God's mix tape!

As my relationship with God continues, we keep having more and more special songs, and every once in a while, He surprises me by playing one of them. And when that happens, we have this moment like when you just stare into someone's eyes, totally in love and in awe that they remembered something that meant so much to you--something that you had almost forgotten.

This whole idea of me and God having special songs gets me thinking about how when you spend more and more time with someone, it's like you are creating a Greatest Hits album with your special songs and memories. And you know what's so awesome about a Greatest Hits album? It's the nostalgia of ten years worth of the best Madonna songs--songs like "Holiday" and "Lucky Star" that you haven't heard for a while. It's the best feeling ever to remember great memories and songs like that. Maybe that's why we have anniversaries, so that couples can reminisce about their memories and recall themselves back to why they are committed to one another...because sometimes in the here and now, we forget.

But it's definitely the passing of time that makes a Greatest Hits album a hit. That's why I find it weird when people like the Backstreet Boys put out a Greatest Hits album. I mean what's up with that? You put out three CDs in a matter of like four years and think you can put out a Greatest Hits album? Then you're including songs like "Anywhere For You" and "More Than That," which are okay songs, but seriously, they're not hits. Give me time to forget a song before you put out a Greatest Hits album!

It's exciting to think about someday having a 50th anniversary, when my husband and I will have TONS of hit songs to look back on: our wedding, buying a house, our children, our children's weddings, etc. That's why only makes sense that love changes and grows as time goes on because you have more greatest hits to choose from! And when you have lots of memories to look back on, you can love that person even more because you can see the passing of time and how they've been there for you and the things you've experienced together.

Call me too sentimental, but I like having special songs with someone. Sometimes you'll have to sing them the song because they've forgotten, and sometimes they will sing it to you. And sometimes they'll have to read the memories to you every day from a notebook. The beauty of a special song is the ability to hold a memory over time and carry it as a simple reminder that those moments matter, not only when they're happening, but later on, when you need to remember why you're even there in the first place.

(ps - Hi Sherry!)

at least

2010-05-04T17:22:00.000-04:00

Last Wednesday, on my way home from work, I had a collision with another car in the middle of an intersection. I was in such shock that I didn't even realize the damage that had been done to the car. After I stopped shaking so much, I tried to open the door and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't open. So I resolved to crawl out my passenger side, which was very surreal for me, like I was living in a movie or something. When I finally got out and looked at the car, I realized why I couldn't open the door; the driver side of my car was completely smashed up! Later I saw that it was quite noticeable from the inside, too, so I don't know how I didn't see that before. The woman in the other car was so nice to me, and she didn't want the cop to give me a ticket, which was such a great blessing for me.

So I watched the annoyingly cheerful man from AAA tow my car away and went home. I got to my doorstep and couldn't find my house key amidst all the crap from my car that I had stuffed into my purse. I started throwing things on the porch and then finally decided to just ring the doorbell. Mary and Amber were met with my uncontrollable sobs, and when I told them the story, they tried to comfort me with some variations of "at least you are okay" and "at least you didn't get a ticket." But after three car accidents, these types of responses just don't satisfy anymore.

It makes me wonder how God would want us to react in such circumstances. Is it acceptable for me to sob uncontrollably, throw things on the porch, and say that things aren't okay? Would God want me to play the "at least" game and recount all the things that could have happened that didn't? Is THAT what should give me consolation? The way I see it, we could play the at least game forever. "Oh, you've been making out with random guys? Well, at least you're not doing drugs." "At least it wasn't worse." etc etc. And I'm all for keeping perspective about a situation and counting your blessings, but I think playing the at least game is dangerous. And it just doesn't work for me.

That's why I think the only safe response to my circumstances is to lean on grace. The fact is, I messed up. Maybe I'm a terrible driver. Maybe I'm a stupid, flaky girl with a crappy attention span. Maybe I just have really bad luck with driving. If any or all of those things are true, I will definitely not get any consolation from knowing that at least I didn't get a ticket. It might be that any or all of those things are true, but because of God's grace, it's okay. Because of God's grace, I didn't get a ticket. And I think if I play the at least game, I'm not going to see it that way. If I play the at least game, I'll just be comparing circumstances--Mine with another person's, or mine with "what could have been." And it might sometimes help to make me feel better as a quick fix, but the only real thing that will satisfy me is clinging to God's unending grace.

Looking back, I can feel God's love covering me, as I remember my mom running to me and then calling AAA to take care of the car. I can see God's grace offering me a hand so I can stand back up as He brings a compassionate woman and a lenient police officer so that I don't have to feel so ashamed and so I don't have to get another ticket. Because I'm a screw up, crappy things like car accidents are going to happen. But God always finds a way to remind me that He's taking care of me in the midst of the situation I find myself in. And that's the only thing that is going to comfort me after a car accident.

It sucks not to have a car, but what would suck even more is to miss seeing the ways God takes care of me by reducing His acts of love to mere statements of "at least it's not as bad as what could have happened." I crashed my car, but then, I got to see God's love made complete in the kindness of strangers, the grace of my mom, and the support from my friends. So yeah, at least I had that.

If there’s an upside to free falling, it’s the chance you give your friends to catch you. –Grey’s Anatomy

not heavy, just big

2010-04-26T10:47:00.000-04:00

Several times last week, as I was packing and unpacking my car for Tabor's Annual Banquet, I told people I didn't need help because whatever I was carrying was not heavy, it was just big. Of course by the time I neared the 3rd floor after a few loads of big, but not heavy, things, I was really feeling it. Sure, it wasn't too heavy for me, but it definitely left me with some really sore arms. Apparently, to me, "big" means that I can handle it, whereas "heavy" would have meant that I can't.

But I'm thankful to know that heavy and big are different. When things are big, it can seem overwhelming, but there's hope because you can just do one thing at a time and take one step at a time. My friends Brittany and Allie got me through my freshman season of cross country with their encouragement that I need to focus on just one point ahead--the next mile marker, the next stop sign, the next lap--instead of focusing on the 3 more miles I have left to run. Running long distance can be heavy, or it can be big, depending on how you choose to look at it. A race is 6k, 3.7 miles, 30 minutes heavy. But I can't look at it that way, or I'll just not do it. I'll get out of it somehow, by contracting a hysterical injury or, worse, a real injury--whatever it takes, really. Or a race can be taken 8 minute average mile by mile, which makes it seem a lot more doable.

The best part of a long race is, hands down, the sprint to the finish line for the last few hundred yards. There are always a few runners who are a steady few steps behind or ahead of you for the entire race, but at the end, it's a footrace to the finish line, and it's anyone's game. But usually, it's mine. I am a kick ass runner, for the last few hundred yards anyway. It's easier to give up your last few shreds of energy when the finish line is in plain view. The problem for me is that for most of the race, it's not. For me, it just feels heavy, and my body feels weak, and my legs feel weighted down, and my chest feels constricted. But what if it doesn't have to feel like that? What if running a long race well has more to do with how I look at it than how in shape I am? What if I could focus on just getting to the next mile marker? One step at a time. 8 minute average mile by mile.

The truth is, in the end, whether you choose to view the race as something heavy or as something big, your body will probably hurt the same amount, your legs will shake like jello squares, and you will be 97% sure that you are about to throw up all that you carb overloaded on the night before. That's why it seems to me that the only sane way to run a race is to view it as something that is "not heavy, just big." 8 minute average mile by mile, you can focus your energy on getting to that point, and once you get there, you can focus on the next marker. And you know what's so great about looking at it mile by mile? You get to have more than one kick ass last few hundred yards!

I'm not a great runner, but I never minded that. I always thought God had me on those courses to encourage others because when you're in the tail end of the race, there are fewer runners there to keep your adrenaline going, and when you run past the spectators, they are less enthusiastic than they are with the top runners. But I like to be there to encourage the other runners around me that this doesn't have to feel so heavy; it can just be "big," and you can handle it--mile by mile, step by step--trusting that because God has gotten you through the last mile and the mile before that, He will get you through this one, too.

true strength

2010-04-06T11:13:00.001-04:00

One of my friends, Jenn, recently was talking to me about reaching a breaking point. Sure, she has been strong through her circumstances, but if they keep compiling, she's going to reach her breaking point. It makes me think a lot about how God says he will never give us more than we can handle. I always wondered what that means because I guess we have to take what's given to us, right? We have to handle what's thrown at us. It's weird how that works because we have hope when going through difficult times that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. We have to have that hope, don't we?

During college, I experienced a lot of hurt with all the breakups with Ryan, and people were always telling me how strong I was to be places where he was. They said if they were me, they wouldn't be able to do that. But I didn't feel strong. I remember one particular conversation at our women's bible study when my friends said they think I'm strong, and I just started crying. I was trying so hard to hold myself together so I didn't crack, and you don't feel strong when you're just barely holding yourself together. But that is the hand I was dealt. What other choice did I have other than persevering through that difficulty? I didn't view it as strength because I didn't choose into that. I was just existing.

I do not know why God lets bad things happen to us. I don't know why He pushes us until we think we're going to break. All I know is that Jesus offers His strength to us to say "not my will, but yours be done." Which may not make grieving and coping any easier, but to keep hoping and trusting, that's strength. It isn't comforting to be told that you are strong for persevering when you actually aren't. What I was doing wasn't strength.

Strength is in the choosing to hope. Hope isn't something that just happens to you; you have to choose to have hope. You have to choose it every single day, be committed to it, and really, really believe in it. Because sometimes you won't want to. And honestly, you don't have to. You can live in a state of numbness. I did it for a long time. But sooner or later, you realize that having hope is really the only thing that makes sense. It's the only thing you can do. So choose hope, believe it, do it, and live in the freedom that it gives!

two bras

2010-04-03T19:14:00.001-04:00

I have been in a weird place lately. Long story short, I haven't been engaging with God and pursuing my faith. I haven't wanted to. But God met me yesterday as I was tanning on my roof. I'm reading a book called Cold Tangerines, which was a gift from my housemate Megan. It was a big step for me to even start reading the book because I've been slowly disengaging with God, so much so that I even stopped listening to Christian music recently.

So I'm reading this book, and the author is going on and on about all this stuff happening in her life and how God is working in her life, and I thought to myself, "It's just not that simple. What about the world's suffering? What about Africa?" It bothered me that she was painting this picture of roses and sunshine. Well, wouldn't you know that the next chapter was about a trip she took to Africa. Any normal person, especially one who is purposefully not engaging with God, wouldn't think much of this... but I have never believed in coincidences, so I couldn't ignore it. God knew I was thinking about Africa. I thanked Him for putting that chapter right there, right after I had thought about it.

It jogged my thoughts to predestination and foreknowledge and free will and all that good stuff. I love that stuff. And I realized, maybe it's none of those things. It's not like God planned everything ahead of time and then just watches it happen. Plan or no plan, the point is, God doesn't just sit up on a cloud and watch things happen. That's the thing about our God... He is actually with us! I think that God has made me to be a certain woman and prepares me for things... it's like we're walking down the street together, and He says, "Hey Jess, let's walk this way towards the diner" because he knows that I'm hungry for pancakes. It's not like I had the thought about Africa, then he stuck that chapter in there. No, he was present with me as I read and got upset, and our next turn on our journey was reading about Africa.

It's a bit like a mischance of wearing an outfit requiring two bras on a date--one bra for support and one sports bra because otherwise, the shirt would be too low-cut (just in case you find it weird to wear two bras). God knew you might want to go let things go too far, so He prepared you for that by having you wear that outfit with two bras. It seems like a mischance at the time because it kind of ruins that moment. Sure, taking off two bras is absolutely possible, obviously, but it does make it more difficult. God was walking with you, and you didn't know why you chose that outfit, but God knew why. It was extra protection to keep you safe. Or me, or whoever.

God walks with me. He leads me. Even when I'm pretty darn content with walking my own way, he's still working. In every moment, He is present. That's love for you. I experience love when someone meets my needs/wants without me asking for it. That's what God did for me when I was on the roof yesterday. I was so stunned, so deeply in love, that all I could do was grin and say, "Thanks God... you knew I wanted to hear about Africa. You knew it."

Boy Meets Girl

2010-03-19T16:09:00.002-04:00

Boy meets girl. Boy buys girl a drink, or two, or three. He has something more in mind than casual conversation and a few laughs at the bar. It's the thrill of the chase really, and he's hoping that it will end up at her apartment. Cuz he likes a good conquest. He likes feeling like he has won. And it's a symbiotic relationship because what she desires is to feel beautiful and precious and worthwhile. All the attention he's giving her and the way he's looking at her sure makes her feel desired. "He could be flirting with any girl here, and he chose me." Though both have been through this routine before, both have followed through before, and both have regretted it before, they still carry on with the game. He thinks that winning her affection will make him feel like a conqueror, strong and victorious. She thinks that winning his attention will make her feel beautiful. And it does. For tonight anyway.

I myself don't trust guys enough to sleep with them. At the discussion I was at last night at LVC, Pastor Ron said that the mechanics of it are pretty easy. It's the actual relationship part that is difficult. But I disagree, I always thought that the mechanics would be hard. Thus, I wouldn't trust a guy enough to be vulnerable like that. I don't trust that a guy won't be thinking that he assumed I'd look better naked than I actually do. I don't trust that a guy wouldn't make fun of me the next day with his friends. I would have to really know someone and really love someone to be that vulnerable. Can I trust that man enough to know that he isn't using me? That he sees me as more than an object to fulfill his needs? That takes time to find out. Does he find me beautiful and precious enough to love and care for me on a long term basis?

I realize that not every sexual relationship is the story of a one night stand in a bar. But I do know that getting someone to sleep with you doesn't actually make you much of a conqueror. Winning a woman's heart is a lot harder than winning her body for a night. And having someone want to sleep with you doesn't make you beautiful. When someone sees you as more than a hot body, when someone wants to know you and take care of you and live life with you, that's a man showing you that you are precious.

I dated a guy in high school who tried to push me further physically. And he did manage to push me slightly further than I meant to go. Which probably made him feel really good about himself. And I want to say that the joke's on him because it wasn't really that much of a feat... but I don't know how to say that without sounding like I was easy. So this poem kind of better explains what I mean. (I hope)

"You Win"

Do you feel a sense of accomplishment
now that you’ve stolen my innocence?
Do you feel better about yourself,
knowing you could charm me with your smile?
Did I keep you entertained for a few months
so you wouldn’t have to be alone?
Or was I even less of a person to you than that?

If you wanted to feel big and manly by stealing my innocence,
you should have known you’d never have succeeded.
But I know I didn’t make that clear enough.
And I take the blame for that completely.

If you wanted to feel better about yourself by tempting me,
you should know that enchanting a high school girl is not that hard.
Though I thought I was smarter than one of those girls,
as it turned out, I was nothing more and nothing less.

If I kept you entertained so you wouldn’t have to be alone,
you should know that perhaps I was using you for the same reason.
Although my reasons were purer than yours,
I admit that loneliness may have skewed my perceptions.

I don’t know how you viewed me or why you were with me.
I don’t know if your reasons had anything to do with me;
even considering these negative possibilities,
I question whether I was even that much of a person to you.

You should know that if you had wanted to break my innocence, you did.
If you had wanted to charm me momentarily, you did.
And if you had wanted to be entertained,
I suppose you took care of that yourself by playing your little games.
So if I was just a pawn in your game, you win.

But in the end, I will not allow any way you have made me feel
to dictate where I go or who I will become.
You will not haunt my past because I’m stronger than that
and I wouldn’t let you, of all people, get in the way of real love.

So if you want to look at this from your narrow vision,
where you are great and special because you conquered,
You win. Congratulations.
6/25/07

Green Dress

2010-03-18T15:29:00.001-04:00

For tradition’s sake and for tradition alone,

I wear green today.

I can play along with tradition’s silly rules.

In truth, it’s fun to be a fanatic, go all out,

And fancy everyone else apathetic

As I apply my green eyeliner with a smirk.

(I even wear green underwear,

though no one will see it.

Now THAT’S dedication.)

I never wanted to be one of those people

who wore blue or brown or yellow,

it just doesn’t make sense—

why would you NOT wear green today?

But I don’t even know what St. Patrick’s Day is.

I start to wonder

Why do people wear green?

Why NOT blue or brown or yellow?

What are we even celebrating?

The year I was grieving too much to get dressed that day,

Someone asked me where my green was.

I felt oddly ashamed for breaking tradition.

It was the one time that I just didn’t care,

And someone called me out on it.

I know my friends have a right to keep me accountable,

But why?

I’m not even Irish.

I don’t know why we’re wearing green

Or why we’re drinking beer,

But I can go along with it.

I like playing the fanatic,

even though it’s meaningless--

I mean there’s really no other way to describe it, is there?

It's just silly, empty, meaningless tradition

if I can’t even tell you who St. Patrick is.

The only thing I know is that I’m supposed to wear green,

And lucky for me, I look damn good in my green dress.

E is for Evaporation

2010-03-08T19:28:00.000-05:00

I'm grateful that the snow has finally melted away. It's weird though how hard we have to work to dig our cars out after a snowstorm, and then a week later, the snow just melts anyway. What's up with that? You work so hard for something that just disappears.

My life has had a reoccurring theme of evaporation lately. For instance, the other day at work, I worked all day to edit a document and got so much progress done, and then the document just disappeared. I had forgotten to save it in a different location, and then it was gone. None of my work counted for anything because it was just gone. You can imagine my anger. It was pretty much a broken record of the f-word repeating in my head. A few weeks ago, my ipod just decided to delete everything on it. Sounds like no big deal, but you have no idea how long I have worked to organizing everything perfectly. Countless hours have been spent to organizing my music and videos just so. It's all gone now. I recognize that these situations do not matter much in the grand scheme of things. But they are like physical representations of why I'm actually angry.

The reason I've actually been angry is because my relationship with Ryan just evaporated into thin air. What does that mean about the 2.5 years of my life spent trying to make something work that wasn't ever really working in the first place? I am not consoled by the thought that it was a growing period and that sometimes relationships don't work out, blah blah blah. The whole thing just evaporated. Which makes me feel like, well, why did I bother?

Before snow evaporates, it gets really ugly from dirt and stones and all that road gunk. It gets pretty gross. By the time the snow is tainted by all that grossness, you just can't wait for it to disappear. But it evaporates and leaves all the junk behind. So did I really put all that work into shoveling for something that would just disappear in a week?

But it never really disappears I guess. The snow either seeps into the ground or goes back into the air. It's not gone. And it leaves behind the junk which kind of settles again on the road. It's the unseen aftermath that kills you. And part of the reason it kills you so much is because you can't see it. No one can see it except for you, so you kind of wonder if you're going crazy. What are you left with? The only proof that it even happened is that your back is really sore from the shoveling. It all melted away and left you standing there alone.

The snowstorms this year were pretty brutal, and I was digging my car out for hours sometimes. And when it's all done, you just stand there... numb and exhausted, not really sure where to go from there.I think snow is really beautiful when it's falling down from the sky. It's peaceful, and it's pure and untouched. I look forward to it. But at this point, I wonder whether that beauty worth the work you put into it or not.

But such is life. We work and toil, and for what? It's all going to evaporate. There is nothing new under the sun. I think that's supposed to be freeing, but why does it make me feel so trapped? I just wanted the work to count for something. I just wanted the time not to feel wasted.

And yet, such is grace, reaching down for me, telling me that I have nothing to work for--it is finished. There's still this pesky business of shoveling. Why do we bother? It's just going to disappear. As Mother Theresa said, "What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway." After all, "In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway." Grace says it isn't about the final product or the work, it's about moving and serving and having hope, no matter how many times things evaporate.

Jesus is Pro-Life

2010-02-19T16:33:00.000-05:00

1 Peter 3:8 tells us to live in harmony. But it doesn't stop there... Peter gets more specific so that we don't misunderstand what harmony means. Harmony means a lot more than just co-existing with people... it means being compassionate, loving, and humble. Don't seek revenge, don't do evil... but don't just not do those things... give blessing, do good, pursue peace instead. It's a high calling. It requires action, not just passivity. It's asking us to be CONNECTED to one another.

And asking us to be connected is not a simple request. If we're connected, that means that your life affects mine. To me, it means that I'm not alright if people in Ethiopia don't have clean water to drink or shoes to put on their feet. It means that when I want to choose the convenience of the 75% off rack at JCPenney or the cheaper coffee instead of the free trade, I have to really consider how my actions affect another. If I buy cheap coffee or support stores that do, I'm a part of the chain of oppression that doesn't allow for decent wages for a coffee bean farmer. I don't want to be a part of that. I want farmers to make enough money to support their families.

But sometimes we get so lost in our causes. My friend Dana Beth wonders that if people are so against homosexuality, why aren't they willing to take in or mentor a girl who has been abused? Why wouldn't they want to directly address the factors that might cause someone to become gay? And I wonder why people advocate for pro-life and are very against abortion, but they don't take particular care for children who are orphans or in general, anyone who is poor, oppressed, and lost. Being pro-life should mean going out and spreading Jesus' love around so that those who are dead inside can know what life is. It's a bunch of baloney, really, that people can call themselves pro-life and choose to ignore the fact that slaves made their clothing. We misuse the environment, causing others to suffer because their water is contaminated or their resources are depleted. We get lost in our causes and forget the people and the calling.

But if I believe that my God is all about wanting the best life for everyone, that Jesus came here to give me life, and that we were called to live in harmony with one another... then I think we have to care about these things.

Jesus is most definitely pro-life. He heals people, frees them from their sin, feeds them, and loves the hell out of them. Jesus wouldn't hold a sign and picket the abortion clinic. And if Jesus wouldn't do it, then maybe we should ask ourselves why we do it. The calling is to live in harmony. The calling is to give blessing and do good. Be connected, be pro-life. And don't just be pro-life, DO pro-life. It's a high calling. But God wants the best life for us, so if this is what He's asking, then the calling must be worth it...

D is for Deforestation

2010-02-15T00:52:00.000-05:00

God's intention was right relationships in the world between him and the people, between people and people, and between people and the earth. Original sin messed all that up; original sin marked the first time that man thought of himself before others. Eve didn't think of trusting and obeying God, and she didn't think about how her actions would affect Adam. That's kind of what sin boils down to, isn't it? Thinking of ourselves first, before obeying God, before how our actions might affect others. It was the beginning of disconnect, where Eve just had blinders on and saw only herself.

But God created this complex world where everything is connected. When I was in my environmental science class, I was just in awe to learn how intricately connected everything in nature is. For example, in any forest, you have the small plants and animals that are on the forest floor. If there aren't any trees in an area, the microclimate that usually exists for these smaller organisms changes drastically. So these small plants are sparse, which leaves the herbivores that usually eat those plants without food. They start dying out or moving to other areas, which leaves the bigger animals who feed on those small animals without food. In addition to a lack of food, the bigger animals that might make a tree their home are left without shelter. Any bodies of water around the area suffer because they derive a lot of nutrients from leaves that fall into the water. And I can't forget to mention the bacteria, which doesn't have anymore dead matter to feed on because we clear-cutted the forest. That doesn't seem important, BUT they are an important connector in the chain.

In God's design, everything is connected, and it's so beautiful... but there's one huge problem... we live in a fallen world where we are disconnected from creation. But here's the thing, if everything depends on everything else in nature, that must mean mankind is part of that, too. We depend on nature A LOT, but we're pretty disconnected from that. We don't hunt our own animals, grow our own vegetables, cut down our own trees to fashion our chairs. We don't have any idea where our stuff is coming from or what the impact is.

It's easy for us to be short-sighted and thinking that we don't make a difference as an individual. I sometimes even have to remind myself that one plastic bottle that I throw away doesn't make a difference, but it does... because that's just one more person to the millions who adds more waste to the world.

Forget the whole thing about climate change and what not... I get that people don't believe in global warming. Frankly, I don't think that's the root of the issue here. In the practical sense, we are using our resources at a rate that is much, much faster than they can be reproduced; sustainability should be on our minds because once we run out of stuff, then what are we going to do? I think if we were even a little more connected to where our stuff is coming from, we'd see that we do have an impact. There are landfills in third world countries, namely China, Nigeria, and India, where we dump all of our old electronics. Waste gives off chemicals that seep into our groundwater, which is bad for our country, BUT we have the money (aka your tax dollars) to make landfills more safe so that we aren't drinking toxic water. But what about third world countries? So workers in those countries have to disassemble our old electronics, and they are actually handling these chemicals. This is not safe, but what choice do they have? Then said chemicals get into their groundwater, which flows into their rivers, and they drink it. So if you care about the justice issue of clean water, it's not just about digging wells, but it's about creating less waste that pollutes their water in the first place.

And here's the thing, I don't even know if anyone bothered to read all of this. I don't know if anyone saw the word "deforestation" and was immediately put off. But I'd ask you why. Why are you disinterested in the environment? I think our sinful nature causes this disconnect that we don't actually think what we do could possibly affect someone across the world. God's restoration is all about connecting a disconnected world. That can happen as simply as making the choice to reuse bags instead of getting plastic ones at the store, recycling paper instead of throwing it away, and just reducing the amount of stuff that we have and use.

I think Jesus was totally a hippie, and if he were walking around today, he would be all about the environment. He would tell parables about our attitudes of wanting whatever is most convenient for us. I think Jesus would look at a forest that has been clear-cutted, and it would hurt him to see that disconnect. He'd be sad that His father created all this beautiful stuff, and we didn't care enough about it to take care of it.

God is all about us being different from the world. So what does our use of the resources in the environment say about how we feel about the God who created it all? I think He has a few things to say about this:

Re--

2010-02-01T12:29:00.000-05:00

Speaking of restoration, I read on someone's facebook status that this is the year of re--... I have no idea what he or she meant by it, but it stuck out to me because our spring conferences for InterVarsity in our area are called Restore and Release. We just had our Restore conference this past weekend at Dickinson College. We were given an hour of silence time for personal reflection at the conference in which I really thought a lot about my own restoration. I wanted to pray for the Millersville students, my LVC friends, and other things, but I had to keep reminding myself that I needed to focus on my own restoration during this hour rather than others. I know it may sound selfish, but I thought of a quote of Thomas Drier that says, "You cannot add to the peace and good will of the world if you fail to create an atmosphere of harmony and love right where you live and work." After going to Urbana and getting all fired up about restoring God's kingdom around the world, it was very fitting to have a conference where we focused on our own restoration because that needs to happen first. It occurred to me that I cannot expect to go out and restore the world if I do not first let God restore me.

Betsy talked last night at our IV meeting about the Hebrew people being enslaved in Egypt before the exodus. They had been slaves there for 400 years so generations had not known what it was like to worship God. They had been in the Egyptian culture for so long, so when Moses asks them to trust God as He freed them, the Hebrew people don't really want to. Even after they're free and wandering in the desert, they're mad at Moses because they would rather have stayed slaves. That's all they knew. But how ridiculous to want to be slaves when God is offering freedom! Betsy compared this to the gods that we worship in our culture, such as image, success, or addictions. It's sick to think that we would experience Stockholm Syndrome to the culture that tries to enslave us and start thinking positively towards these captors when we could be free from these things in Christ. Why do we think it's easier to remain slaves?

When I reflected a few weeks ago about how I see God, the first thing I thought of was a friend of mine who had been enslaved by an eating disorder. She struggled for a long time with it, but one day, she was free. God set her free! I'm not saying it wasn't a process--that it's just easy. But she experienced freedom that only comes from God. And THAT is who my God is. My God gives FREEDOM! Jesus came that we might have life, that we could have a drink of living water that will satisfy us forever.

It isn't easy. You can create boundaries, rules, a 10 step plan... but ultimately, it has to come from God. In Exodus, God explains that He is going to harden Pharaoh's heart so that everyone will know that it is He who rescues the Hebrews from bondage. It wasn't Moses, and it wasn't Pharaoh being nice. God likes being the one who saves us. If our 10 step plan works to restore us, then it's ourselves and that plan that rescues us instead of God getting the glory for the rescue.

Restoration is a process as we struggle and try to hear what God is saying, but in the end, we can give God all the glory because He alone sets us free. I praise God that, actually, every year is the year of re--. But for me, this year in particular demands much needed restoration. In my life, in my family, on campus at Millersville. I crave it. God will never stop restoring what's been lost. That is the one thing I am sure of.

Reprise

2010-01-24T13:23:00.000-05:00

Reprise

You believe that we were never friends,

And we were never dating.

So maybe I did imagine it all.

The scenes play over and over in my mind,

Like a bad movie that you wish you had never seen.

I only kept watching because I wanted to see the ending.

I wanted to resolve this mess and rectify your wrongs,

But justification never came.

I loved you, didn’t I?

I took your hits of blame and control,

Seeded with the weight of the hurt you carry,

Always thinking I was waiting for you to heal.

And since I loved you enough to stick around

And be understanding of where you have been,

I thought that things would get better.

But redemption never came.

We never got better. We could never heal

From the ways you threw my pearls before the swine

Time and time again.

And the damned thing is, I let you.

I handed them to you. It must be my fault.

People are supposed to learn from mistakes

And grow stronger and wiser in time.

I thought I was learning, I thought I was being refined.

But sanctification never came.

Maybe you were right,

We were never friends or dating

because after dating, I couldn’t just be your friend.

And after being hurt, I couldn’t truly be with you

Because there were too many walls.

I thought it was only your walls that hurt us,

But in the end, it was the walls I didn’t even know I had up

That made you and me an impossibility.

Donc le chagrin qui marque mon coeur,

Le chagrin que j’ai apporté pour si longtemps,

Il doit être tué.

And why? Because I can live without you.

And it’s time I started resting in that truth

So that my restoration can come.

What is this poem a reprise of? Find out here!
http://docs.google.com/Doc?docid=0ARIx5W2_AIMcZGdrNnY0OXdfMjJkOGdmaDNnOQ&hl=en

weakest link

2010-01-21T12:57:00.000-05:00

There are many different angles through which one can investigate the history of a country. I had never thought about it before I took a class on Paris my senior year. In high school, we just studied the presidents, the battles, the important inventions. That's what history meant to me. But I actually always believed that an important part of a country or a culture's history is the art, the literature, the architecture. But another interesting way to study history is to look at the poor and the common people. Who were they? Which leads to questions like...Why were they poor? And what was the government doing to help them? In my Paris class, we took a break from talking about kings and generals to look at the common people. People flocked to Paris in hopes of jobs (as always is the case with moving to the city), and they couldn't find jobs. So they resorted to prostitution and that sort of thing.

It gets me thinking about that phrase "you're only as strong as your weakest link." What if that were true of a country? I mean you can experience a country's culture when you travel in a myriad of ways: the landmarks, the museums, the food, the everyday way of life. But what if you traveled around and did volunteer work at places like orphanages, soup kitchens, etc. instead of the usual sightseeing stuff? Your picture of that country would be quite different. I wonder what that kind of experience would be like in comparison to the norm. What if a country was only as strong as their weakest link? It's just interesting to think about.

Which reality counts more? The pride of a country's monuments, museums, and battlefields or the amount of people in their country who have no homes or can't provide meals for their family? I don't know. It makes me sad to think of someone visiting the US and looking at the people sleeping on the streets. Part of me would want to shelter the visitors from the poverty so that I could show them our capitol building and our battlefields where soldiers bravely fought for freedom because I am really proud of those things. Which portrayal is a more accurate reality?

Apparently, the countries in Scandanavia rank as the happiest in the world. Sweden, Finland, and the Netherlands are in the top ten. The number 1 happiest country, according to forbes.com, is Denmark. These countries tend to have high income tax (50% for a middle class worker in Denmark), but that means they have good health care, education systems (college is free in Denmark), and welfare benefits. Denmark has a 99% literacy rate, and supposedly, 95% of their population is Evangelical Lutheran. Well, I'm going off on a tangent because I'm finding Denmark to be so interesting, but my point is, it seems that the poor are definitely taken care of in Denmark. And the country is happier for it. (Although, I must note that the Danes are not known for being friendly, but remember, they descend from brutal vikings!)

All that to just offer a different perspective of viewing a country's history and culture: from the bottom. I think that we're all connected and that my freedom is tied to yours. That's why we're only as strong as our weakest link.

abide in me

2010-01-17T23:26:00.000-05:00

How do I see God? That's what Betsy asked me. And frankly, I don't know. I could make up an answer so that Betsy doesn't know that my mind is absolutely blank right now, but instead, I just tell her that I don't know. But that's not really okay... so I went to bed that night, and as I was praying, I started to tell God how I saw him. And then I decided I wanted to write it down, so I got up and grabbed some paper. Since I like to reuse paper, I grab some papers with the blank side facing up, and I turned them over to see what they were, and all of them were Psalm 46. Be still and know that I am God. So I decide to write on the front of them instead of the back.

-How do I see God?

-My God created the universe from nothingness.

-My God always was, always is, and always will be.

-My God is sovereign, even the wind obeys Him.

-My God is mighty to save. He doesn't just reach out his hand; He grabs me and says, "I will not let you fall!"

-My God is in love with me. He is the best boyfriend--no others can compare.

-My God is not dependent on me. But he graciously offers me a role in his work in reconciling the world.

-Apart from my God, there is no life. He offers the living water to the whole world.

-My God chased after me into a pig sty and kissed my hand because He saw more in me than just a garbage collector. My God says, "you have worth in me."

-My God hung on a cross and forgave me as I stood mocking him.

-My God breaks things so that we can see His grace in the healing.

-My God asks me to trust His will for my life. Sometimes I don't know what that means. I want to follow Him, but what does He want me to do?

After reflecting on how I see God, I felt fully confident in who my God is. So I went downstairs to hang these things on the wall, and as I hung them, I felt God saying to me, "Abide in me." This gave me so much peace. It's like, whether I decided to keep on with the IV internship or if I decided to quit, it's okay either way. God can do something good out of either decision. God was giving me a choice here. And in whatever decision I make, if I abide in Him, I will be in His will. I didn't know yet whether I would or wouldn't continue with the internship, but I told Betsy about it the next day. We talked for a long time, but it was clear that God was asking me to follow through with my commitment. It wasn't about the fact that I had made the commitment, and I HAD to get through it. No, it was obedience that God was calling me to. I usually follow Him halfway and then think that's enough, but I decided that I wanted to follow through to do the entire year of the internship.

It was an awesome last few days as God changed my heart to make me joyfully desire to serve Him through this internship instead of just dragging through it because I "have to." I think things may continue to be a struggle sometimes, but after hearing from God, I am much more confident in knowing that He really is with me.

Urbana 09

2010-01-04T19:18:00.001-05:00

     Well, so much for writing once a week. I actually have three posts that I started and never finished...if that counts for anything! So I just got home from Urbana, a world missions conference in St. Louis. It was a 17 hour bus ride, but it was worth it! AND I got to see the Mississippi River, which was one of my lifelong dreams! Isn't that awesome? As soon as we got to the hotel, I went to check out the river and the arch with some friends from LVC. The hotel I stayed at with my Millersville friends was right across the street from the arch. Our hotel room had a king size bed and a separate living room. It was like a suite! Alright now onto the good stuff.... the actual conference!

    So worshipping with like 17,000 people from around the world is just an indescribable thing. It's like experiencing what heaven will be like because you get a chance to see a greater picture of who God is when you are with people from all places, cultures, languages. I loved the speakers the best, though. I loved hearing about the places they have been. I was very touched by Ramez Atalluh speaking about the garbage village in Egypt where he and his wife ministered. When the pastor who first ministered there tried to talk to one of the people, they ran into a pig sty because they were afraid. They lived like animals. But that pastor just put his boots, lit a torch, and went into the pig sty after them. It was such a picture of how God came down here to us. We do hide in pig stys, afraid of the goodness that God offers. But he comes in after us to love on us. The other speakers that really impacted me the most were a man from Rwanda and a man from Korea. The man from Rwanda spoke about the two tribes there and how his father had been killed by the other tribe when he was 5 years old. He talked about reconciliation and forgiveness and how God told him that he had no right to hold onto his hatred. So now he ministers to this other tribe, I think they are called the Tutsi. Anyway they were the ones who caused the genocide in the country. I can't imagine forgiving someone who killed my father and terrorized my country. That's what made me realize that if that man can forgive a group of people who have hurt his family and negatively impacted his life so much, and not only forgive but love and minister to, I can forgive the people in my life that I don't want to forgive. The man from Korea spoke about the Japanese imperalism that took over Korea and their culture. He is now a missionary in Japan. Seeing Jesus up on the cross saying, "Forgive them for they know not what they do" is a powerful image that just shows you that forgiveness is not optional.

The story about the garbage village was particularly inspiring to me because Ramez Atallah and his wife are taking part in something amazing in Egypt where God is moving in huge ways. The church that was built in that garbage village is the largest in the middle east apparently! I looked it up online when I got home, and one sentence from an article I read really struck me: "They still collect garbage; however, they now have three schools, a hospital and many churches" (http://www.lausanneworldpulse.com/urban.php/903?pg=all) The people there still collect garbage, but they are now followers of Jesus, and this makes all the difference in their village.

   I went into the conference with an expectation that I'd figure out what I'm going to do after my internships are over this year, but I didn't really figure that out. I do have a few things in mind, but the cool thing is that I don't have to sign up for a program next year. I can stick around here and just get a job, and if I have to move back home, that would be okay. It's all okay. And I'm just excited about whatever adventure God has planned for me. The world is a big place, and I intend to explore every inch of it!

   If you are interested in hearing the speakers from Urbana 09, you can catch them all on the website: http://www.urbana09.org/program.webcast.cfm.

C is for Christmas

2009-12-04T15:47:00.000-05:00

      I seem really bah humbug about Christmas this year. I keep thinking there must be something wrong with me, and it might be partly true... but I don't know, I just don't know how to rationalize buying things for people when we don't need anything. I hardly even want anything. Of course part of me wants a lot of things, like new clothes, shoes, etc., but I don't need any of those things.

      I am starting to appreciate the pretty decorations,and I enjoy the holiday movies. But you know what is really weird... I was thinking the other day about how we say "Happy Holidays" so that we don't offend people of other religions, and I'm cool with that. But then I thought, why are we putting up a tree at Tabor if we are trying not to be biased toward Christianity. And therein lies the problem! A second later, I realized that, duh, celebrating Christ's birth at Christmas time has nothing to do with putting up a tree. The two are not related. So Tabor putting up a tree doesn't say anything about us favoring Christianity (though it does show we are not endorsing Hanukkah or Kwanzaa).

      So this is why I'm kind of bah humbug. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with us enjoying our Christmas music, egg nog, tree decorating, shopping... but if we are equating those things with celebrating Christ's birth, then it is wrong. What's great about all the holiday decorating and such is that you get to do it with your family, and spending time with your family is a great way to worship God. And I don't know, I just don't even remember the last time my family spend time decorating together. My dad decorates the tree by himself because he wants it to look perfect. No homemade ornaments. We don't read The Night Before Christmas. I stopped believing in Santa when I was 6 years old. I started a club in 1st grade for kids who didn't believe in Santa and got in BIG trouble with my teacher (because most 6 year olds believe in Santa!).

      It's no wonder that I'm disillusioned and not all that thrilled about Christmas if all my experiences show Christmas to be about gifts. But knowing Christ and celebrating His birth is what I am most interested in. And I don't feel like God wants me to use my resources to buy gifts that people don't need. It's not spiritually healthy to encourage materialism, and it's not environmentally healthy to create more waste. But I do know that giving is important. I wish we could give to someone else, as a family. Volunteer together or donate our money to something that will offer something greater, something more in need to others. At Tabor, the case workers have clients who keep their heat at 55 degress so they can afford food, people who don't have beds, people who can't afford diapers for their babies. How can I celebrate Christ's birth in light of this? Where do I go from there?

      I read that your Christmas budget should be no more than 1.5% of your annual income. Which for me is about $150. So the question is how can I worship God with this $150? How can I worship Him with the few days that we are given to spend with family? I don't know.

B is for Birthday

2009-11-25T13:45:00.000-05:00

Well, it has officially been 23 years since I came out of my mother's womb. I can't believe how time flies by.... I think a little reflection is in order...

10 years ago
(a poem I wrote when I was in 6th grade)
"Boys"
Boys, boys they are so hot.
I could die right on the spot.
He looks about 18, but so what?
Cuz he has the world's cutest butt.
I've never seen a boy so tall.
I'm sure that he plays basketball.
His muscles are so big, so scary.
It is him who I am going to marry.

-------------------------------------------------------

5 years ago (from my xanga blog)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Currently Playing
Catalyst
By New Found Glory

its 9 days till my bday! im so excited, even though i can't have the cool dance party thing i wanted to have. so lets see... what have i been up to since i last wrote... i'm going out with JR... but other than that, i guess theres no other exciting news. oh! i was in the penny saver yesterday on the cover, for lancaster idol. some lady came and interviewed me and alyssa at school. it just occured to me today how many people could be reading this xanga... hi everyone! whats up! so at quiz bowl the other day, we almost beat e town on the last round! i was so excited, and i actually buzzed in and got a question right! the question was , the atomic number of an element is the same as what, and i said protons! and then we got a bonus question about snow white, and of course i knew all those answers. it had 4 parts... 1. which dwarf is always in a good mood? 2. which is the only dwarf without a beard? 3. what do the dwarfs do for a living? 4. what song do the dwarfs sing to and from work?
answers...1. happy 2. dopey 3. miners 4. heigh ho, its off to work we go.
did u get them all right???!!!!

--------------------------------------------

That stuff cracks me up. I'm such a quirky person. This is proof that I always have been weird!

So back to the present... I had a really great birthday week. Last Wednesday night, Jenn (my bible study co-leader) organized a surprise party for me at bible study. DaShawn (a friend at Millersville) was downstairs waiting in the dark, and when we walked in and turned the light on, DaShawn turned his iPod on and started dancing and yelled SURPRISE! It was such a great night!

On Thursday, my actual birthday, my friends at work surprised me with a box of donuts and apple cider. Sherry (a fellow VISTA) made a Twilight birthday card for me :o) We went out for Chinese for lunch, and Mary treated for me. Then Megan made me broccoli, chicken, and rice cassarole for dinner, and TJ came over, too. Then we watched Twilight!

On Friday, I had off work, so I went up to LVC to visit during lunch, and Julia and I went to go see New Moon. I liked it a lot! Then I went home to go to Millersville for a joint birthday party for Jon Love and me. He turned 21. So we pretty much had a big dance party. Also, we played musical chairs.

On Saturday I went to Millersville to Cafe Expressions, a coffee house open mic thing that a few students had organized. I got to sing "Blessed," which I was super excited for. It didn't go amazingly well because I was thrown off by having to sing leaning over a podium. I don't know why I was nervous, but I really was. Afterward, I wished I could go back up there and ask to try again. I could have done much better, but I don't know what happened! That was my birthday gift to myself--getting to sing.

So that's a rundown of my birthday festivities. It's sad that it's all over, but now it is Thanksgiving! I am so THANKFUL to get to see my family!

cup of pee

2009-11-18T11:26:00.000-05:00

I think that a Church with a true community is like a group of students standing in line holding a cup of urine. Oh wait, let me back up a little... so every year, the student athletes have to get a physical at LVC (and other colleges, too I'm sure). The last thing you have to do is a urine test, so they give you a dixie cup--yes, a paper dixie cup--and after you've urinated in the paper cup, you come stand in line to wait for testing. When I was a junior, it was the worst because all athletes were getting their physicals around the same time, so honestly, I waited in line with a cup of pee for at least half an hour to an hour. Just holding my pee. The cup started getting soggy. My friend Allie stood there with her fiance holding her cup of pee. That's just the kind of stuff you don't want anyone to see, even when you are at the doctor's office. But there you stand holding your own urine. It feels so... I don't know, vulnerable. Exposed. And dirty. But it's not so bad since we were all holding a cup of urine. Everyone was in the same place.
     So I think that a Church should be like that, too. Church should be a place where people feel welcome to stand there vulnerable and exposed and be accepted. They should not feel condemned. Jesus told the adulteress that he did not condemn her. Why aren't we more like that? I think if we shifted our attitudes and views of other people's sin and didn't condemn them, we would stop condemning ourselves, also. We would move to a place of openness with our community, so that we can actually walk together in our faith. We could feel comfortable sharing with one another in our struggles. We need to find the right balance between no condemnation and accountability because that's where Jesus is waiting to offer transformation. How do I love and accept others while keeping them accountable in following Jesus?
     I think if I could just face the ugly truth that I, too, am standing there holding a cup of pee, I wouldn't be so condemning of others. Cuz if you don't do the urine test, if you are too embarrassed to stand in line with a cup of pee, well, you can't be an athlete at LVC. You won't know if you are healthy or not.
     I, too, stand here with my dixie cup of pee with all the rest, so there's no reason to be ashamed. How can we condemn others, laugh at others, when we also stand with a cup of pee? And if I could have the courage to hold my cup, maybe others would see that it's okay to be vulnerable.We could move to a place of acceptance and no condemnation in the name of Jesus.
     So yeah, I think that a Church ought to be like a group of students holding a cup of pee.

A is for Asian

2009-11-17T15:49:00.000-05:00

     This past weekend, I went to an Asian-American Leader's Day with InterVarsity. It was for Asian-American students and staff. The conference was in Baltimore, so I went down Friday and stayed until Sunday at Joy's house to spend time with Joy and Vanessa.
     Saturday morning, I got up all ready and excited for the conference... it was a 10 minute drive from Joy's house, so no stress, right? WRONG! I started off by missing my exit off 645, so I thought, no big deal, I'll just take the next exit and turn around. Well, the next exit was 83. UGH! Again, no big deal, I turned around on 83, and then was able to get on 645 and take the correct exit. Only here's the catch... there were two exit 26's... one was York Rd-North, and the other was York Rd-South. I took the first one since it corresponded with what the directions said. The only problem is when you're coming from the other direction, north and south are opposite what they would be from the right direction. This is scenario A, entitled "Why I Am To Blame." Scenario B is simply that the directions were wrong, or "Why It's Not My Fault."
     Well, whoever's fault it was, I didn't get there until an hour and a half late because I was in the wrong town. Same road--York Rd... but wrong town. I was looking for a 7000 address, so driving down York Rd had me at 1000, 1020, etc etc, then 2000, 2020, and so forth... it was SO LONG! So I said, God, please let these numbers go faster! And then all of a sudden, I was at 10000. God is funny. I giggled and said, no not that fast, God! So I turned around, 10000....9838...9800....2450. SAY WHAT?! Yes, it goes from the 2000's to the 9000's. And I know that IV's regional director isn't a liar just trying to mess with me, so I know this Central Presbyterian Church exists! So I just keep driving back and forth, thinking I must be missing it! That's what the guy at Wendy's said. But the nice man at the gas station hit me with the truth: you're in the wrong town! 7000 is WAY down on York Rd. Well, good to know! I wasn't happy with his news, but it was nice to have someone who knew what they were talking about. (Perhaps that's why the Harvard implicit test told me that I have a slight preference for Arab-Americans. Because of that man!) Gosh this is a long story, I'll skip to the end... So I wasn't in Towson like I thought I was. The directions that google maps gave me could have been a lot simpler. I was really frustrated, but I got there. It was just 15 minutes down the road, in Towson, not Timonium.
     Well now to the good stuff, Dakota, the regional director of IV in the Mid-Atlantic region, was kind of heading up the conference (when I say conference, I mean there were about a dozen students). Our speaker was supposed to be Greg Jao, another regional director of IV and author of a few famous books, none of which I have read, but still, an author! I was so excited! But his car broke down in New York, and he didn't make it. So Dakota vamped. I'm surprised at how great it was, in spite of not having a speaker! Praise God! Also, we ate Vietnamese food. I was never more proud of being Vietnamese... that food was AWESOME! (That was just hyperbole, I am proud of being Vietnamese for many other reasons, don't think I'm terrible haha.)
     We talked a lot about our sphere of influence as leaders. Who are the people that we feel comfortable reaching out to, and who are the types of people that we don't tend to feel as comfortable with? How can we change this? How can we challenge ourselves to reach out to other types of people? What kind of differing values do we have that might lead to conflict or miscommunication in our fellowship?
     It helped to renew for me the reason that I'm interning with IV. College is such a different situation than high school because it's a chance for those who are Christians and grew up in the church to take their faith as their own because their parents won't be there to make them go to church or anything anymore. It's also a chance for those who have never heard of Jesus to encounter him. That's why campus ministry matters. And the reason that this conference was specifically for Asian-American students is because having a minority in that leadership role opens the door of possibility in the mind of other students. An Asian-American IV staff is a witness to other minority students for them to know that leadership is a possibility for them, too. So I thought that was cool. I met a lot of cool students who really are leaders on their campus and really have a heart for their campus. And IV is a chance to minister to students who want to change the world... you know, Gary Haugen, the president of IJM, was in IV when he went to college? Yep, true story.

the cost of freedom

2009-11-15T23:48:00.003-05:00

It costs me $10 for a soccer ball. I can afford that. But a $10 soccer ball is affordable because it is hand-stitched by slave labor. If I want a soccer ball that is guaranteed to be made by free labor, it costs $30. And it is so damn hard to choose a $30 soccer ball when you have the option of the $10 soccer ball.

It's the same problem with free range chicken eggs. We would rather pay $1.50 for a dozen eggs of chickens who are cramped in coops rather than paying $3.50 for free range chicken eggs that come from chickens who have been raised in a healthy, sustainable manner. Well, it's not the same problem. But it's still shortsightedness that cripples the future moving towards healthier practices.

What is the cost of freedom? It's a $30 soccer ball, for starters.

But even I, who care so much about human rights, have trouble buying the $30 soccer ball. I bought my soccer ball before I knew that my $10 soccer ball was made by slave labor, and I have trouble even looking at it. It's tainted. It's like stealing. 27 million people in forced labor around the world even though slavery is illegal everywhere. 15 million children in slavery. Making clothes, soccer balls, and bricks for me. I'm not saying that I can solve it. I'm not saying that me choosing the $30 soccer ball is going to eradicate this evil of modern-day slavery. But it's me taking a stand in whatever way that I can. It's taking a stand for justice.

It's easy to be apathetic about something that seems so far away--something that we don't have to see every day. But it breaks my heart to know that I benefit from the injustice in this world. I don't even have words for it... it's one of those things that just silences you because it's such a huge ache on my heart. A blog I stumbled across once while researching slavery seemed to say it best:

"Of my own ambition I would never think to become a living sacrifice for those in need, but Christ bears in me a love for the broken that breaks me deeper day by day. His divine invitation to dine with Him has introduced me to His heart. During our conversations He speaks of the physically poor and abused, the mentally impaired and deceived, the emotionally neglected and bankrupt, and the spiritually asleep as if His joy depends on healing every one of us. The longer I linger with Him, the more my joy depends on it, too...
Oh Christ, bear in us strength in our weakness by granting us faith in our fear and hope in our hurting and purpose in the pain as we face injustice, in order that we wouldn't lose heart. May Your power be made perfect in our weakness as we step out in the measure of faith You have given us to be Your hands and feet. Go before us to loose the chains of injustice, to set the oppressed free, to shelter the wanderer, to clothe the naked, and to provide for the poor not only physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - which are of eternal importance. We ache not to build our castles in the sand that today stand and tomorrow fall, but to further Your Kingdom that will come tomorrow and stand for eternity.
Oh, haste the day! I live for it! But until then I will ache. And though my heart feels so heavy I count the weight as a blessing ordained by God instead of a burden as long as every ounce serves to motivate me to abolish injustice and continues to inspire me deeper into the precious heart of Christ.”

What is the cost of freedom? I think it's being willing to give up some of our own freedom to face these things, though it's hard to hear. All I know is that as I dig deeper into God's heart, there's no way to avoid God''s deep desire to set the captives free. I don't have a solution of how to make this happen, but I know that I want to, have to be a part of loosing the chains of injustice.

Shift 09

2009-11-04T11:29:00.002-05:00

Going into our fall conference this past weekend, I was really excited BUT, also, really nervous about not getting enough sleep.That sounds weird, right? I mean who worries excessively about stuff like that? That's what God said to me this weekend... he's like, seriously, Jess, seriously?? So me, being, most likely, the only person excessively worrying about not getting enough sleep over the weekend, barely slept at all Friday night. For some reason, I just couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for a few hours, cried about it, then tossed and turned some more. I think I slept for about two hours. I had to nap in the afternoon (for another two hours). Then I was looking forward to going to bed really early on Saturday night (plus getting an hour for daylight savings), but that didn't happen either. We ended up having a Millersville leader's meeting that went until after 2 AM. Something that Betsy said this weekend really rang true for me, and it wasn't even in reference to me and my lack of sleep; Betsy said that there are better things that this weekend has to offer than sleep. Which brings me back to what God thought of my excessive worrying about not getting enough sleep: "Seriously, Jess, seriously? You think not getting enough sleep is such a huge deal? Well, in that case, I'm going to NOT give you enough sleep. And you will STILL be okay." Touché, God, touché.

So Shift consisted of the South Central area InterVarsity chapters: Millersville, F&M, Elizabethtown, Dickinson, York, Penn State Harrisburg, and LVC (but no one came from LVC!). There were 60-70 students, I think. I forget. It was a really great time to spend with Millersville students, meet new students from the other schools, and lead with other staff (aka my wonderful friends). The speaker was a friend of Bret's, Nick Peterson, who is just a really awesome man of God. It was a really challenging weekend for all the students and for me.

I saw God working all the students. I was blessed to be a part of the worship team. We had a practice session about a week or so before Shift, and I was just struck by this awesome opportunity to worship God with those who have quickly become some of my best friends. It's what heaven must be like: 24/7 of worship team with Betsy, Jesse, Evan, Megan, and of course, George. As part of the worship team, I was able to see how God was working in the students. They sang with such passion and just seemed so open to hearing what God had to say to them.

Shift is a chance for students (and staff) to hear how God is calling them to make a shift in their lives. At the end of the conference, the students were given an invitation: accept Jesus for the first time, make an adult decision to follow Christ (claim their faith as their own instead of their parents), or committing something they have or hold precious to God. So many students went up there to write on a post it note. A few accept Christ for the first time, many others chose to claim their faith as their own, and tons of students wanted to go deeper and give more of themselves to God. How incredible!

Another activity that we had as a response after hearing about John 8, the adulterous woman that the pharisees wanted to stone. Nick paints the picture of this woman who was caught in the act of adultery, meaning she was probably naked or half naked. And everyone knew about this sin. He contrasted this with the way we like to cover up our sins. As a response to this lesson, we had black posterboard that students could write down the sins they felt needed to be exposed. Jesus gave no condemnation to this woman, so we can make a shift from shame ---> no condemnation. Well, I still feel shame, apparently, because I had a hard time believing that a lot of people would go up and write their sins down. But they did. And during worship, they had the opportunity to erase those sins from the board, knowing that Jesus offers no condemnation and says, "Go, and sin no more." Most people were able to erase their sins from the board. I was really moved by the overwhelming amount of people who exposed their sin, and it was just so evident that God was working to cause a shift in students' hearts. Which brings me to our Millersville leader's meeting that went until 2 AM, we had a "Let's Stop Pretending" meeting where we intended to expose sin that we felt was holding us back from becoming a closer community as a fellowship or just discuss problems we had in the fellowship. At first, I was like, seriously, it's midnight! Then I thought, seriously, it's 1 AM! But by 2 AM, though I was exhausted, I saw that God was bringing us closer together.

In other news, we got to have an open mic night which Millersville totally dominated! haha I got to read a poem, and something happened just like the poem wished for! I seemed to stop people dead in their tracks with my words. People stopped playing games or talking and were listening to me. Also, Mary and I played gaga, a fun game of Israeli dodgeball. We were the last two left in the game (because the guys thought it would be funny). It was hilarious and ridiculous, as things with Mary and me usually are.

Well, clearly, God had better things in mind for this past weekend than sleep.

feeling worse before feeling better

2009-10-28T10:02:00.000-04:00

        So last week on Grey's Anatomy, the episode was a really cool mystery type thing... there was a fire in a hotel, so there were some burn victims in the hospital. There was one boy who had been looking at a college, and his burns were so bad... he looked like one of those diagrams of the human body in a text book that shows all the muscles and nerves. I mean, his burns were seriously that bad that you couldn't even tell there was skin on his body. It was really gross, and I could hardly look at it. The doctor that was supposed to be helping out was crying about it; she just couldn't handle seeing it, and the other doctor told her to pull it together because that boy needed her. He had every nerve in his body exposed, so he was feeling everything, and things were going to have to feel worse before they would get better for him. Arizona, the doctor, told Lexie that she had to "talk to him about his future and remind him that he has one past all of this pain."
        I really identify with having every nerve exposed on my body. But I really guard against feeling that. I guess that's what everyone tends to do... I don't want to be broken completely. I keep trying to hold onto the pieces so that it doesn't have to hurt so bad. I keep feeling like I can't afford the time and energy to cry it all out. The other night when I was crying, I kept worrying that I had to wake up in the morning, and I was losing precious sleeping hours. There's no time to think about it, pray about it, cry about it. And when I do pray, I feel like I can't spend my time praying about my brokenness because there is so much else to be praying about like my family, my friends, Millersville, LVC.
        But it does always feel worse before feeling better, doesn't it? It just has to. Something has to die before you can be reborn, and death is painful. It always is. I wanted to die peacefully in my sleep, but that just isn't possible. It has to hurt like hell, rip that band-aid off, and then move on. Because God promises that this is not the end. He is always moving, always restoring. But sometimes when God moves, mountains crumble, and that's scary because nothing is the same after God arrives.
        Hurting sucks... change sucks... but God is good. And He promises that this is not the end.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have already overcome the world." -John 16:33

hope is scary sometimes

2009-10-23T17:05:00.000-04:00

Did you know that we use the word "hopefully" incorrectly most of the time? For example, we might say "hopefully, I will win the lottery." But hopefully is an adverb, which means that word must be used to describe an action. To analyze the parts of speech of that sentence, you must ask yourself: how will you win?And the answer to that question is not "hopefully." I know, who cares. Other than me anyway. ;-) We all know that "hope" is a verb, as in "I hope it doesn't rain tonight." But I feel like we never mean it as much of an action. Are you really hoping? Merriam-Webster defines hope as "to expect with confidence." Hope is scary, though. You're expecting something with confidence, which sets you up to come crashing down if something doesn't happen as expected.
        This is something we've had to face recently with IV at Millersville because our dorm talks didn't go as expected. We had high hopes that God was going to move in huge ways. Betsy had been praying for 15 people to come to each dorm talk. And that didn't happen... So what does that mean for us? We didn't even come close to that. I walked onto campus that night thinking that dorm talks were going to change my world. And they didn't. So if I'm being honest, yeah, I was disappointed. At our leadership team meeting last week, Betsy asked, why didn't God do more? Then a student asked, do we think God didn't do enough? So I've been wrestling with this a lot. Why didn't God do what we thought He wanted to do at dorm talks? And the default answer is that God didn't want to do what we thought He did; He had something else in mind. But I don't like cliche, default answers.
       But I think our disappointment just shows that we desire for God to do big things. There is so much healing to be done in this world, and we long for it. We long for God to heal every heart at Millersville, and so yes, we are always hoping that He will do more. So there's a balance between praising God for what He has done and waiting expectantly for Him to do more.
        Hope is scary sometimes. That's what my friend Joy said the other day. I asked if she thinks she will get back together with Joe because they had broken up two days prior, and she said that she does, but hope is scary. Expecting something with confidence? Definitely scary.
        My friend Sarah said something to me and another friend, Dana Beth, about showing the new International Justice Mission film at Millersville, and we all agreed that we want to make the event happen. And I am feeling so excited and hopeful that God is going to bless this event and open people's perspectives to learn about modern-day slavery. In the midst of being excited, I remembered last night about the previous experiences I have had with trying to plan IJM events. Last semester, we had a women's violence awareness week, something like that... and as part of the week, I planned showing the movie Holly, which is a movie about slavery. And no one showed up. I had to remind myself that it wasn't anything personal; people were just disinterested. But it sucked. So I thought last night, oh no! What if no one shows up again?! For a split second, I thought maybe I didn't want to go through with planning this event. It's easy to be skeptical after facing disappointment, but I pray this would not be the case for IV at Millersville. I pray that we would try to have outreach events again, and that we would hope for God to move. And I pray that, above all, we would just always remember what God said to Job when Job questioned his circumstances. "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation..." Check out Rob Bell's Nooma video about Job entitled Whirlwind. He goes through God's whole response, and it's really crazy to hear it all out loud.
        I saw this quote that said, "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end." That's the truth isn't it, that God will restore everything. It will be okay in the end. Hopefully, I wait on the Lord. And it's not scary when I'm hoping for Him because He will do more. After really long conversation about the dorm talks and our disappointment, one student, Wes, said that he felt God asking him, "If you were doing this for My glory, why are you upset? Because I'm not."

¹ Then Job answered the LORD and said:
² “I know that You can do everything,
      And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.
³ You asked, ‘Who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?’
      Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
      Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know.
Job 42:1-3

mercy

2009-10-21T15:29:00.001-04:00

        At Millersville the other night, we had Contact, and we were discussing whether or not we would forgive our spouse if he or she cheated on us. Almost everyone (who spoke up, at least) said that they would forgive someone for cheating on them. They said that we all make mistakes and that we are supposed to forgive because God forgives us. Well, of course that's true; I can't argue there. But I felt like I was the only person who flat out said they wouldn't take someone back after he cheated on me. Though I will say, from the way others spoke, they hadn't had someone cheat on them. So that definitely makes a difference in the way you see it.
        I find cheating to be the most despicable thing ever. I've done it once, I must confess. I was about 14 years old, and I kissed a boy that wasn't my boyfriend. I actually still regret it because it's so not me to do something like that. It wasn't me then, either, so I don't even know how that happened. In any case, that's irrelevent. Just thought I would confess.
        Anyway there I am, listening to everyone say that they would want to work it out with their spouse if he or she cheated and wondering what the heck is wrong with me that I wouldn't even consider it. Should I be more merciful? More forgiving? My friend Tommy brought up that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. There is a way to forgive someone that doesn't mean you have to stay with that person. Of course there's also the difference between an affair and a one time thing, but either way, I don't think I could stay with that person. Even if it's my husband. Even if I'm not one who usually supports divorce as an option.
        It's just that cheating breaks my heart so much. I've seen it, and I just feel like it destroys lives. It's not just about the spouse who is betrayed, but it's about their children. I wonder, what will the daughter think when she finds out her father is having an affair? How will her perception of her father change? Will she feel that security that a daughter should feel in knowing that her father is there to rescue her always? What will a son learn about what it means to be a man? The same is true for the inverse, of course. What will the children, whether young or fully grown, learn about marriage and commitment if the spouse leaves the one who cheated? Will they learn it's okay to just leave when times get rough?
        On the other hand, if a woman forgives a man for cheating on her (well, assuming it was a one time thing), will this teach the children a good lesson; will it show them what it means to truly show grace and mercy in the toughest situations? Will it show them what forgiveness means and how the process of reconciliation works?
        I know that we are unfaithful to God all the time. I know that we choose other lovers over Him. That's what our talk at Contact was about the other night, but I just can't stop thinking about this marriage thing. Is it true that because God always takes me back, I should stay with my husband after he cheats on me? I don't know, and I pray that I will never have to actually wrestle with these questions. But it's definitely something that challenged me the other night because I didn't realize that others would seem to have so much more mercy than me. Of course, it's all hypothetical, so who knows how someone would actually deal with this situation. I think I've been pretty forgiving. I think I've taken someone back after he has hurt me a lot. And I know that is a very different situation, but I don't know, I guess it seemed like my downfall... thinking that reconciliation was possible when really, it just wasn't. Forgiveness, I can do. And maybe that's all I should have been doing. Reconciliation didn't work. But I don't know if I really tried for it, prayed for it, or even knew how much we needed reconciliation to go forward. Sometimes I just pretended it wasn't there. It seemed easier than dealing with it all.
       Well, I don't know any of the answers. But the one thing I do know is that I can't keep blaming myself. C'est inutile.

free pizza

2009-10-13T12:34:00.000-04:00

     So today Mary and I went out to eat for lunch at Mamacitas with her friend from CHOC (Community Homeless Outreach Center). His name is Norbert. Mary really connected with him when she was volunteering at CHOC during our urban project this summer. The guys at CHOC play Spades all day, and Mary loved playing cards with them. So Mary and I ordered a pizza ahead of time, and we planned on paying for it, but Norbert insisted on paying. I was holding my $20 bill, and he put his ahead. I didn't know what to do. This is a man who has only a little bit of money to begin with. But I think it probably made him feel good to be able to treat us for lunch.We had a really good time at lunch just talking. But I felt really bad about him treating us. He wouldn't even take the leftovers, which makes sense because he's homeless... he would have to carry it. So here I am with a free pizza AND the leftovers for a future meal. I've been blessed in excess.
   Mary and I were upset that Mamacitas is only offering their special deal on a large cheese pizza for $6.60 on Mondays and Tuesdays now, so we had to pay $10 for the pizza. We didn't think that WE had the money for it. Then Norbert just up and pays for it. It was really an eye-opening situation. It was a real life situation of the parable of the poor woman who offers up the only money she has and how that means a lot more than a regular person giving a lot more money. It was a lesson in giving for me. Betsy is always talking about radical hospitality, and I think that treating someone to a pizza is radical hospitality.
   I'm getting more and more exposed to hospitality. I never was before because my family doesn't usually have guests or anything. My car actually broke down this morning (in the middle of an intersection), and I called my dad to come save me. So he shows up and says that the problem is that there isn't enough gas in the car. How embarrassing! But it's a good thing it isn't a serious problem, you know? So yeah, I call my friend TJ to ask if he has a gas can, and he doesn't... but he knew someone who did. So TJ goes and gets the can and puts gas in it. He brings it, and sure enough... that was the problem. Well TJ brought like 2 gallons of gas to me, and my dad insists on paying him back for it. TJ said it was fine, and he didn't need the money back. But my dad gave him $6 anyway. My point is... my dad does not accept hospitality. He even wanted to pay my uncle when my uncle invited our family over for crabs. That was just ridiculous because of course my uncle wanted to treat everyone!
     I tell this embarrassing story of my car "breaking down" to say that I'm classically trained not to accept hospitality. I felt really bad about calling TJ to ask for help. I felt like I was really troubling him. But because my family doesn't like to let others help, I'm not really good at showing hospitality myself. I do love to treat people, give gifts, and come to the rescue. But sometimes it isn't my first instinct. My first instinct is to split the bill evenly and make sure it's exactly even. My instinct is to say that I don't have the money for the pizza. But if Norbert is willing to use his limited money to treat us to a pizza, then I need to be willing to do the same.

Luke 21

¹As he looked up, Jesus saw the rich putting their gifts into the temple treasury. ²He also saw a poor widow put in two very small copper coins.^[a] ³"I tell you the truth," he said, "this poor widow has put in more than all the others. ⁴All these people gave their gifts out of their wealth; but she out of her poverty put in all she had to live on."

falling apart or falling together

2009-10-08T14:34:00.000-04:00

     Sometimes when I write poetry, I come up with one line that the rest of the poem is really centered around. It's like, the entire poem was meant to culminate in that one line, such as "in my life, you are the poetry." It's like the perfect clincher statement. So naturally I love songs that have thought provoking statements to end with. The song "Closing Time" came on the radio this morning on my way to work, and I was reminded of one of my favorite clincher statements: "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."
     That's how my life is feeling lately. I am at such a new beginning of my life, which is really great, but also really sucks. I have lost certain things that meant so much, such as my relationship with Ryan, my youth group involvement, and my life at LVC. Which just plain sucks. But the beauty of it all is that while I can be falling apart, I'm being remade. New beginnings are exciting... but something has to end in order for that something new to begin. And I hate that because I really like to hold onto things forever.
     Reminds me of one of my poems, written in Aug of 2008... "The moment when I realize that you are where I began and not where I begin, that is when I can truly start again." How liberating it is to be in a place where all the stuff you thought were la creme de la creme really weren't all that perfect to begin with! On one hand, it makes me question myself and my judgment. But it's also just amazing as a reminder that God is so much bigger and better than all these things that I thought were so great. It's humbling to be reminded that God has better things in mind, and I don't have it all figured out, but He does!
     I could fight about it all I want: "But God, I love Ryan! He loves me! Why isn't that enough?!" "But God, LVC is where I belong, and I don't want to be anywhere else!" "But God, I just found this youth group that I love! THAT is where I most feel your presence!" But here I am in a new place. That was then, and this is now. And I don't want to sound too "don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened" because cheesy things like that bother me. And that kind of answer does NOT comfort someone. But I do want to praise God for these chapters in my life, even though they are over. And I praise God that endings mean new beginnings! Praise God that I can give up that fight, let it go, move on.
     I think if I were to write a poem right now, the clincher statement would be something about how falling apart and falling together go hand in hand. Once you fall apart, you realize that you are beginning to fall together in a much more amazing way than you ever were before. Maybe being on the brink of falling apart is exactly where God wants to meet me.

what i mean

2009-09-28T13:05:00.001-04:00

[I wrote this last December but never posted it. It was somewhat interesting.]
Meaning is so complicated. Just the other day, I wanted to send a poem on email, and I admit that I was sort of hesitant to do it because I was afraid it was making too strong of a statement. But since I believe that some things don't have a moral implication, as in, there is no right answer per se, I made the decision to send the poem and accept whatever subsequent reactions would come. So there I am about to send this email when mozilla suddenly cuts out! Oh man, I was so mad! I thought to myself, is this a sign that I'm not supposed to send this email? But I quickly shook that off and decided that if it happened twice, THAT would be a sign. So I write the email again, and this time, webmail cuts out! I couldn't believe it happened twice! Then I asked Julia if she thought that was a sign, and she said this: maybe the fact that you think it means something means something. How deep is that! I thought it was so cool. That's totally what we do all the time! Meaning gets so convoluted when we put our own fears and desires into things. It's so frustrating! Do we even know what we mean when we do things? If I don't know why I'm doing something, how in the world could someone else figure it out?
BUT on the other hand, meaning fascinates me (obviously). It's the literature freak in me who likes to analyze EVERYTHING. I really notice in myself that I see my life as a novel. I see foreshadowing, irony, climaxes, metaphors. Not similes though... I'm not a fan. Similes are like a herd of wild boars charging down the savanna. Whatever that means. As if we needed a reason to use the word "like" more than we already do.
Anyhow, when you act a certain way, doesn't that reflect how you feel about something? Maybe it's just subconscious, and you aren't even aware. I don't know.

keep singing

2009-09-24T13:04:00.000-04:00

I once asked an "if" question that was: Would you rather be a really great singer but think you aren't good... or not have a good voice and think that you do? The first option seems a lot better. But if you think you aren't good, you'll never sing. So what good is that to the world? It's just like when I was a kid, and I told my mom she couldn't sing well, and that made her stop singing. Not that she was under the illusion that she was a great singer, but still, it seems that it would be much better for her not to know.
When praying one evening with my bible study co-leader, Jenn, I was struck by her words: that I would know that I am making a difference, that my place here at M-ville matters. Because you know what? I don't feel that way most of the time. I feel like I'm failing. I feel like it's all crashing down. It's like I'm that person who is a good singer, but I think that I'm not. And what good is that to the M-ville students? It reminds me of this kid who sang at Jump Start, a middle school BIC conference I went to... there was a talent show, and this kid just got up there and sang the song "Don't Laugh at Me" acapella. I mean this kid wasn't Billy Gilman or [insert child prodigy's name], but God shined through him that day in amazing ways. He got a standing ovation. Plus I'm sure that none of those kids knew that song, seeing as it was popular when I was in middle school, and that was only in country music circles. Actually, I tried out for the Brownstown talent show in 6th grade to play "Don't Laugh at Me" on the piano. hahaha!
I say all this to say that I'd much rather be the person who sings just so-so but thinks that I am good. Because that's the only option that results in me singing. God can't work through me if I've handicapped myself in believing that I'm a failure and will be forever. God can only work through me if I keep singing, knowing that the story doesn't end here with the failure. What a beautiful truth it is to know that God's story always ends with a win! My weakness results in God's strength.
Of course, when it comes down to it, and you find that things didn't work out as expected, you will ask yourself, was it just an illusion all along? And frankly, it very well could have been. Whatever you thought it was, well maybe it wasn't. But that doesn't mean it didn't matter, that it was a waste of time, that you made some wrong decision. And I'd much rather live under the false pretense that it was real rather than to risk the tendency to "be safer"--to protect myself--next time. Even if it seems like ignorance, I must keep singing.

feeling blessed

2009-09-17T11:01:00.000-04:00

Last night I got the chance to visit an F&M IV event called The Well. My roommate Amber was sharing her testimony, and so I really wanted to be there. As I was sitting there, I was thinking that I am so blessed to be able to still go to lots of campus events at both Millersville and F&M. It's so great to share in the ministry of other campuses because the "Christian community" on these campuses are so different from LVC. In general, I'm just feeling really blessed lately. How lucky I am to be living on W. James St. in our awesome house and have the wonderful roommates that I have! How lucky I am to have made such great friends that I just love spending time with. There are other things that have been difficult: my job, my IV internship, finances. But I was just struck this morning with how blessed I am.
We studied the beatitudes last night for bible study, and it was interesting to look at the things that Jesus calls a blessing, as opposed to what we normally think is a blessing. I don't usually consider it a blessing when I'm mourning or when I'm meek. But it's in those times, when we are "poor in spirit," that we are completely aware that we are relying on God. We are completely helpless and reaching our hands out. That is when we're blessed. And that's how I feel these days. I have been so blessed with the support of great roommates and friends, but I want to consider it a blessing in these times when I feel weak and like I am just failing at everything. I want it to be a blessing to be meek and to seek peace... even though it is often the harder road. Blessed when the sun's shining down on me and blessed on the road marked with suffering. My heart will choose to bless His name.

If I were into Twitter, my update would be that I'm watching Tristan and Isolde right now, which is really different from the book. I'm home sick from work. Today is TJ's 25th birthday, and we're all going mini-golfing to celebrate. Don't know if I'm going to ZUMBA tonight yet.

`You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is, but I shall remember it in a bit.'
`Perhaps it hasn't one,' Alice ventured to remark.
`Tut, tut, child!' said the Duchess. `Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.' -Alice's Adventure in Wonderland

kissing you was too hard

2009-09-15T10:23:00.002-04:00

Kissing you was too hard.
It always fit the formula:
Take a risk, go out on a limb,
See the results; it’s always worth it.
But you finally being less than 87 miles away,
Finally starting to ease up and just love,
Finally feeling like it’s okay,
it finally felt like less of a risk to me.
Time tested and failed, but we still prevailed,
And so all I could think was, finally.

Kissing you never made this any easier,
Not that I thought of it as a solution.
But there was always some sort of comfort
In knowing that kissing was okay,
That I could feel what I felt,
And you could too.
All I wanted was for us to just be.
But we couldn’t do that.
We started the fire, we precipitated it all
With our shoulds and shouldn’ts and should haves.

But all I wanted was for it not to be so hard.
I was not interested in drowning again
in the plaguing questions of what your words counted for
when your actions or your body language didn’t match up
with the rhetoric you professed to me.
And now I wonder what was the gain
In risking my heart, putting myself on the line
When I am left with nothing but poems
with haunted memories seeded between the lines.

In the end, there’s “I should have” and “I shouldn’t have,”
But how could I have ever known
That the desire to learn to love you as Christ would have me do
Would lead me to a place without you.
And since this is where I stand,
Should and shouldn’t don’t matter anymore,
Which is more freedom than I ever knew I needed.

the moment everything changes

2009-09-08T10:40:00.009-04:00

I was at Rosario's recently, and a wonderful couple came in. Now I hadn't seen Ray and Cindy since last summer, but that's because I had been away from Rosario's all the school year. But as it turns out, they hadn't been in for a long time because Ray has cancer. He has a rare cancer that he just got surgery for a month ago or so. So now he is recovering. Praise God, he is healing! I saw him a few weeks ago, and he couldn't taste food at all. He ordered tomato soup and ate about half of it. The next week, he ordered lasagna, and he ate a bit of it. He ordered a kid-sized spaghetti this past week, and he ate all of it. He is slowly beginning to taste food again. The first day that I saw him, I was sort of angry and wondered why God would do that to such a great man. But I realized that it is so amazing to watch Ray being healed. It's possibly even more amazing to watch how Cindy takes care of him and stays by his side. They are so brave.
Another thing that happened recently was my friends Allison and Spencer losing a good friend of theirs. Their friend John from school died in a car accident about a week ago. John was one of Allison's best friends. It hurts my heart to think of the pain that Allison and Spencer are going through with losing a friend suddenly.
It makes me think about my life and how angry I get when things change all of a sudden. I am healing right now from my recent break-up with Ryan, which is hard for me because my life feels so radically different, and yet at the same time, not that much has changed. Life keeps going on at the same rate; it doesn't stop. About the break-up, I'll just say that I know it was the right thing, though that doesn't stop it from hurting at times. I think it was for the best, and I do feel some freedom from the confusion that was plaguing me. But as much as I saw it coming for a few weeks before it happened, it felt sudden. And as we were breaking up, IV students were worshiping downstairs singing the words "you are so good." It wasn't irony to me that something painful was going on with me while others were declaring that God is good; rather, it was a reminder that even when things hurt like hell, God is good. And that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him.
Life can change so suddenly. You could find that you or a loved one has cancer, or you could lose a loved one in a car accident. I was asking God the other day why things have to happen like this. And He reminded me that if there is no pain, no sickness, no sadness... then we can't have healing. And healing is so incredible. What a beautiful manifestation of God's grace it is to watch Ray get better every time I see him and to hear Allison say that she knows that everything is going to be okay even though she has lost a good friend. It makes me realize that I, too, am going to be okay--that because in all things God is working for the good of Allison and Spencer and Ray and Cindy... He is also looking out for me. And that is the faith you have to hold onto in the moment when everything changes.

Do not fear for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. -Luke 12:32

"Though I don't see, I still believe there's a purpose. You're the eye of the storm. God is good all the time, even when little girls die." -"Eye of the Storm" by Cool Hand Luke

forgiveness

2009-08-24T20:27:00.004-04:00

I've been reading a lot of C.S. Lewis lately. Just snippets of his books, since what I have is a devotional type book called A Year with C.S. Lewis. I really, really, really like C.S. Lewis and everything he has to say because he just puts things in such a way that makes sense to me. Often times, it's things that I've thought about, but he puts them in much better terms.
So one topic that has struck me lately is forgiveness. He talks about how, often times, when we ask forgiveness from God, we make up excuses for why we did what we did. But there's a difference between forgiving and excusing because excusing means that the person was not to blame for what happened, while forgiving means that they did something, but you will not hold it against them. So you can pray that God would forgive you for something, but really, what we're really asking is for God to accept our excuses. So sometimes we feel like we have repented, but really, we have "satisfied ourselves with our own excuses."
Another important point he makes when we are forgiving others is that sometimes we don't want to forgive others because that means we are acting like it didn't happen, but really, if that were the case, then there would be nothing to forgive. It doesn't mean that if a person broke a promise to you, you have to believe him the next time. But you must "make every effort to kill every taste of resentment in your own heart--every wish to humiliate or hurt him or to pay him out."
AND to bring these two points together, he says, "The difference between this situation and the one in which you are asking God's forgiveness is this. In our own case we accept excuses too easily; in other people's we do not accept them easily enough."
I like to make excuses. A lot. When I apologize to people, I tend to explain what I was thinking or why I did what I did... but that's not really apologizing. It's like this quote I read when I was at VISTA training: "Never ruin an apology with an excuse."

"A great deal of our anxiety to make excuses comes from not really believing in it, from thinking that God will not take us to Himself again unless He is satisfied that some sort of case can be made out in our favour. But that would not be forgiveness at all. Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin, the sin that is left over without any excuse, after all allowances have been made, and seeing it in all its horror, dirt, meanness, and malice, and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the man who has done it. That, and only that, is forgiveness, and that we can always have from God if we ask for it." (The Weight of Glory)

And I guess unless you learn about God's forgiveness and really, really understand it, you can't fully forgive others. Or yourself.

My Twitter Updates For The Past Week

2009-08-13T15:59:00.002-04:00

-Came to work today and noticed my computer wasn't on my desk. Someone walked up the fire escape, broke a small window pane, and stole my work computer out the window! And my little pink dog too! (Monday)

-Stayed up really late last night watching The Island. No, not with Leo DiCaprio. It was about clones. I don't know how I felt about it (Tuesday morning)

-Finished typing up No Room in Lancaster by Grace Wenger, founder of Tabor. Grace Wenger is my hero! She was passionate about social justice and race issues. She also taught English at Millersville. I thought she was just a cute little Mennonite woman! (Tuesday afternoon)

-Mary and I made egg sandwiches for dinner. They were goooood. We also watched another move... (Tuesday evening)

-I'm in charge of a Day of Caring event now that The Ware Institute at F&M will be doing. We'll be cleaning up the sidewalks! (Wednesday morning)

-My heart hurts. (Wednesday afternoon)

-Everyone loved my baked mac and cheese with toppings at potluck! I am a really good cook! I just can't stand doing it. Takes too much time (Wednesday evening)

-Really? It's only Thursday? Really? No rest over the weekend? Oh, merde... (Thursday morning)

-I'm famous. My stolen laptop made the newspaper. (Tuesday afternoon)

Walling In or Walling Out

2009-08-12T16:00:00.008-04:00

Jalaleddin (don't ask me if that's spelled right) Rumi once said, "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." I wonder if that's true. Is it possible that it's hard to experience love just because you've built up a resistance against it? And what happens if you do find those barriers? Can you change them, get rid of them?
The other day I was at my Grandma's house, and she has a path behind the barn that leads out to the field. I used to go on walks behind there when I was younger. Last summer, I would go running on the path through the field. On Sunday, I went sprinting through the grass, running as fast as I possibly could, kicking my flip flops off because they just slowed me down. I just left them there and kept running until I couldn't possibly go any further. But I still didn't feel like I had ran enough. So I ran again, and I stopped only because the grass ended, leaving me at a place where the cornfield met the dirt path. I could have run up the dirt hill, but it was too muddy. So I just lay in the grass, catching my breath from sprinting.
I wonder if that is the running away, the barrier. Is that action me running away (in the figurative sense)? Everyone says how bad it is to run away from things, so my head always says "stop running away, Jess." I wrote in that poem that being covered only comes from after being exposed to the sun. Vulnerable. But what does that mean?
Even if you recognize in yourself the areas where you put up walls, can you knock them down? Can someone else knock them down? I guess only God can, really. Do you really have to know about the walls before they come down?

And on a day we meet to walk the line
And set the wall between us once again.
We keep the wall between us as we go.
To each the boulders that have fallen to each.
There where it is we do not need the wall:
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, 'Good fences make good neighbors'.
Spring is the mischief in me, and I wonder
If I could put a notion in his head:
'Why do they make good neighbors? Isn't it
Where there are cows?
But here there are no cows.
Before I built a wall I'd ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out,
And to whom I was like to give offense.
Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
That wants it down.
-Robert Frost

What I'm finding is that God doesn't like us to hold onto our safety too closely. I've always craved stability and safety and comfort. But God wants us to give our money freely, not worrying whether we will have enough for ourselves. So maybe He wants us to stop building walls and risk. It reminds us that He is the only constant. And if I put up walls, I start thinking that I'm protecting myself, taking care of myself. And that's not the case. God is the only one who takes care of me.

God speak truth to the walls we've relied on instead of You.

Lavender Petals

2009-08-08T23:59:00.002-04:00

The feel of your skin brushing my arm
touches me like a thousand lavender fields
during a June’s mid-day walk in Provence.
The scent is intoxicating, too much, not enough,
I can't decide whether to run into the field--
taking in every morsel of beauty,
lying down only to rest in the comfort
of knowing that I'm surrounded,
that I'm just one step closer
to being one with the flowers
and memorizing their feel, their movements.
That's what I want--
to feel like nothing separates me,
nothing separates us.
There's not this force that blinds me,
this sun reflecting off the petals,
this brightness that I have to hide from
because it's too much.
Or it could be.
I just want to rest in it all,
take it all in,
just let it be.
Mais je peux pas.

That's what it feels like.
Mes sens tout sentent,
being exposed,
and wanting to be covered.

But being covered only happens
after
I risk exposure
to the sun.

And maybe in the end,
it will all have been an illusion
from the very beginning.

8.6.09

money

2009-08-05T10:21:00.003-04:00

"Many years ago, during a wreck of a Californian ship, one of the passengers strapped a belt on himself with 200 pounds of gold on it. He was later found at the bottom of the sea. As he was sinking: Did the man own the gold? Or did the gold own him?"

So it all started with me fighting with Bret and Betsy about money. I felt that they were asking for too much money for the urban project. Why we should need $1200 for a five week period was just baffling to me! That’s a lot of money. I kept telling them that it’s not that I don’t trust them, but I just use money very conservatively (and by conservatively, I mean conservatively in areas where it’s convenient), and I don’t like other people being in control of the money, especially if I’m asking people at my church for this money. But by the end of that long sentence, don’t you get the sense that I actually don’t trust Bret and Betsy? And if I don’t trust Bret and Betsy with the IV urban project funds, doesn’t that extend further to say that I don’t really trust God with those funds? Since God has given them the authority over the project, shouldn’t I trust Bret and Betsy as a representation of my trust for God? No, I didn't ask myself those questions then. I've only recently begun to consider this concept of submission and trust a little more since Ryan has read a book about authority recently, which forces the topic that I like to avoid. But more on that some other time; this entry is about money.
During the project, we talked a lot about poverty and how we use our money. Of course I’ve thought about these issues and cared about these issues, but my view of money and materialism was really challenged at the project. One night while we had reflection time, God was really prompting me to gather some of my clothes and ask the others at the project to do the same so that we could donate a bunch of stuff to Water Street Mission together. As I was going through my stuff, I was listening to a song called “Rich Young Ruler” by Derek Webb. The song lyrics say, “I want the things you just can’t give me.” And there I was, holding a sweatshirt that I really love, and I felt myself saying, “No, I can’t give this one away. I love it.” Then my next thought was, “Oh crap, that means it’s exactly the one I have to give away.” So I did. Later that night as I lay in bed, it kind of haunted me; I kept wondering if I could just have my sweatshirt back. But that felt like stealing from God. I thought of another line from the song where Derek Webb describes Jesus digging through our trash can, and that’s when I said, “No Jesus, I will not let you dig through my trash can. My sweatshirt is yours.” Why does my stuff have such a hold on me? Praise God that He’s changing my heart. I gave away a bunch of stuff that night and a bunch of stuff when I got home. At the project, we really explored how God might want us to use our resources.
Here are some quotes that really stuck out to me:
--"According to scripture, we are no more free to do whatever we want with our money than we are to use our bodies to sleep around." - Kevin Blue
--"If we are determined to waste God's money, it would be better to throw it into the sea than to spend it extravagantly. At least throwing money into the sea hurts no one, while spending it needlessly on ourselves poisons all who see it with pride, vanity, anger, lust, love of the world, and a thousand foolish and hurtful desires."- John Wesley

Well now I’m an AmeriCorps VISTA. (I didn’t think I’d identify myself as such, but it really is becoming something significant in my life.) I make $385 every other week. We are just above the poverty line. VISTA is a program that deals with poverty, and by paying us at that line, they are forcing us to live at the level of those that we are helping, which is a really incredible opportunity. But it’s hard. My rent right now is $400. (Praise God that it will be going down with the addition of other roommates.) I have been studying these types of things, and households whose rent is 30% or more of their income per month are considered severely cost-burdened. I pay over 50% at the moment for rent. So yeah, how I spend my money is even more of a pressing topic now. It would be easy to stop giving away so much because of my tight financial situation. I mean I have to take care of myself, right? But God has really prompted me to start tithing my income, which means that I am giving away $80 out of my $770 per month. I’ve really gotten so much joy out of tithing. I give $30 per month to church offering and $50 to different non-profits. I give $25 every two weeks to a different organization, which I have been enjoying so much. God promises that He will provide for me. If I'm willing to spend myself on behalf of the poor and oppressed, He is going to take care of me.

it's a nice day for a blood covenant

2009-08-04T12:35:00.002-04:00

At chapter camp, Mary learned about covenant making in Old Testament times. They used to take an animal and cut it in half. Then they would let the blood drain out from the center, and each party of the covenant would walk through the blood. They would stop in the center to discuss the terms of the covenant. The blood of the animal signified that you would do to the other party as to the animal if they break the covenant, as well as signifying the sacrifice you would make for them—that you would give up your life as the animal has done. This is what happens in Genesis when Abraham and God make a covenant, but God actually goes through the blood twice since Abraham is sleeping during this and can’t do it himself. We’re not strong enough to keep a covenant with God; He has to do it all. Anyway, Mary was taught that they used to do this at weddings back in the day. How disgusting, and yet, how powerful is that?! I looked online for some verification that it was true about the blood covenant at weddings, but I didn’t find anything. But I like believing that it’s true. It just goes to show how important a marriage covenant is. It’s a serious thing. We should still use the blood covenant at weddings because then maybe people would understand the commitment they are making when they get married.
Well, I say all this to say that this past weekend, Debby, my former roommate, got married! She and Tyler met on match.com (yes, it works!), and they got engaged only five months after they started dating. Isn’t that crazy? But if it’s right, it’s right. They are perfect for one another it seems, and I’m just really happy for them. The wedding was on the beach at Cape Henolopen, DE. It was so laid back, which just really fit with their families. When Ryan and I got there, they were swimming, and then Debby said she had to go change into her dress. We all ate, and then they had the ceremony. It was just a short ceremony, and we all stood on the beach. Vanessa caught the bouquet, although technically, it was a man who caught it because Debby threw it out of the range of all the single women, and Vanessa ran for it and stole it from the guy. Then she gave the flowers to me :o) It was so great to see Vanessa, Joy, and Debby! It was sad that Rasa wasn’t there, though. Ryan thought it was great how laid back the ceremony was because usually, it seems the bride (and the mothers) are so stressed that they can’t even enjoy the day. Well, you know as well as I do that I will be stressed whenever I get married. It’s just my nature to be uptight about things! That’s actually one reason that I didn’t want to have a traditional wedding before. I wanted to go get married in Ireland outside of Hore Abbey (seriously, look it up, it’s so beautiful). I don’t want the stress of picking out flowers and dresses and centerpieces and songs and locations to take away from the celebration of a covenant. At one point, the only reason I did want to have all that traditional stuff was for the pictures. I will want to have a nice photographer who will take artistic pictures—that I know for sure. Oh, and another reason I didn’t want a traditional wedding was because I’d forget about the fact that the day isn’t all about me. I love the idea of everyone focusing on me and thinking I’m beautiful and stuff. But first off, there’s also a groom involved, and he matters too. But more than that, I don’t want to focus on me on that day. I will want to be focused on God and me and [insert soul mate’s name here] making that covenant together with God.
In any case, I know I’m not ready for that yet. But someday. And on that someday, I’m going to imagine us walking with God through blood. Except that God is going to walk through that blood twice on behalf of us because making a covenant like that in the way that God intend us to can only be done through Him.

my new house

2009-07-29T13:26:00.002-04:00

It bothers me that I don’t write in my blog that often. Not that many people are following this or anything. If you have been wanting to read all about my life and finding my blog to be outdated, I’m sorry. ;-) It is my dream to have a column like Sex and the City, so I should be staying on top of this blogging! From now on, I will set a goal of updating once a week. All my friends used to have xanga, in which we updated daily about the goings on of high school. It was pretty boring stuff, generally… For example, here’s one of my last xanga entries, written on April 26, 2006
“i dont like when ppl throw bugs at me. its not funny.
i'm going to see kutless and falling up tomorrow with some friends, and its free!!!
might have to do a presentation tomorrow in english, a little scared about that
the only major thing i have to do (other than finals) is a criticism of one of the literary writers that we are reading in brit lit. 5 to 8 pages, which means 5 pages of course.
i hate elections”
So my fear with this new blog was to start writing entries like that. That would just be a shame. BUT I do have stuff to say. For today, I will tell you all about my new house. I live on W. James St., which is a nice, quiet street right now, but it is two blocks from the F&M campus, so once school starts again, it will be very loud, I’m sure! The block I live on is typically a sorority/fraternity area, so I don’t know what to expect! By the way, I live with Mary and her sister Megan. We are looking for two other roommates, and God is really blessing us with possibilities for roommates recently! I have a lot of hope that it will work out. Two more roommates will make the rent $240 a month. God’s taking care of me; of that, I’m absolutely certain. That doesn’t mean that I’m not at all afraid of how the rent check will be paid and how I will afford food. But I know that it’s all going to be okay. It’s only money. I'm more and more reassured that God is taking care of me since Mary called from her orientation saying that one of the other VISTA volunteers is interested in moving in with us, and we are having someone over to see the house today. These two people could potentially be our two roommates. God only knows, as of now. But it is reassuring anyway.
My job is going well. I love all the people I work with. The hours are flexible, so if I want to start at 10 AM and go until 6:30, I can do that just as long as I get my 40 hours in. And it's not too professional of an atmosphere, so those things are just perfect for me. And I already mentioned in my last entry about why this job seems perfect for me.
As for IV, that hasn't started yet. The urban project was great and gave God the opportunity to stir my heart in very specific ways--ways I will be mentioning in my next post. :o) Other IV things, I'm blessed to be working with Bret and Betsy and entering a network with all the other IV staff. I've met a bunch of them, and I really like them. They are wonderful people. I don't know if I will want to be an IV staff at the end of this year, but we'll see where God leads! Other other IV things, I should start thinking about fundraising.
Okay, that's all for now. Thanks for listening :o)

all my life has culminated to this...

2009-07-23T11:51:00.000-04:00

My job is going to be interesting. I had a meeting with my boss yesterday, and suddenly, a light bulb clicked. It’s like all my life has culminated into this. I realized it when she mentioned making a creative video to show to youth. I love making videos, and I am sometimes pretty decent at it! Also, I ALWAYS am the one to get up and talk to people about serious issues, and that’s what I’ll be doing here. I’m not the one talking to youth groups about love, I’m talking about homelessness. Talking about serious things is what I do best! And looking into the future, it’s good for me to make contacts with schools now because that’s what I want to do someday is to start a non-profit that would benefit urban education and get them the school supplies that they need, and I want to do that through other schools raising money and donating supplies.
This job is gaining the experience for me to go out and get people to care about a cause and to do something about it!!
I'm kind of terrified about having to call people up and ask them if I can come speak to their students. It's hard to know how to go about these things, but I just really feel like God is preparing me for what's to come in the future!!
How exciting and terrifying all at the same time. God is so good!

Urban Project - Week 1

2009-06-17T10:01:00.003-04:00

When I got to Lancaster to start the Sidewalks Project, I admit, I had a really bad attitude about it. It made me really mad to think about not talking on the phone for a month or being on the internet when I wanted to. I like my freedom. So what happened was I moved into Bret and Betsy's house (IV staff) in Lancaster with 4 other girls. We had orientation for a few days just to start understanding why we were here. We got to meet some of Bret and Betsy's friends, which was really cool. Some of their friends intentionally live in the city, and we got to hear about their lives and their faith that has led them to Lancaster.
This week I am working at Lutheran Refugee Services with one of the other girls. It's a great place to be. The people who work here are wonderful. Sarah, the other girl I'm working with here, just started an ESL class for the kids of the recent refugees. We had the first class yesterday, and there were 9 kids there, ages 4-16. They were all Chin Burmese except for 2 Iraqi kids. They knew more English than we thought, we were ready to start with "hello, my name is" but they knew that stuff already pretty much! Then we did cute stuff like teaching them action verbs by actually doing the stuff. Dance, stop! Run, stop! Run fast! Run slow! hehehe But the cool thing was seeing these cases we had heard about turn into real people. I suddenly saw how important the work here at LRS is. Today I'm working at the front desk, which is scary because I have to answer phones and figure out the phone system. But the good thing is I get to blog!! The other girls are working at Water Street Rescue Mission.
Next week, I'm going to Philly for VISTA training for my actual job at Tabor Community Services, and I will start there the following week (29th). It has been interesting seeing God in new ways. I feel like people in the city are much more friendly than in the suburbs (at least where I live). But I guess you encounter people differently in the city than you do in the suburbs. When you're in a suburb, you see people at WalMart or Turkey Hill... but here, you see people on the streets or sitting on their porches.
Last Sunday, we went to a church called In The Streets. It was very charismatic, and I am not used to things like that. The church was very diverse culturally, which was cool to see. A really awesome thing was that the guy who leads the youth came up front with his wife and talking about how they are taking the youth to a retreat this week, and the pastor said how the guy wasn't going to get paid time off his job... so the pastor decides right there that he is going to give them $100 to help pay their bills. Then he asked for 9 other volunteers to do the same, and people just started raising their hands! I couldn't imagine people in my church being so generous. The wife was crying because she was just so touched. It was really awesome. BUT they had a prayer time at the end, and we saw some guy like convulsing as someone prayed for him, then he collapsed on the ground. I didn't know what was happening to the guy. Anyway we are going to a different cross-cultural church every week, which will be really cool.
God is challenging me to see everyone as His children--the homeless, the refugee, the business man. We come back to that who the hell do I think I am statement. It has just been interesting living here with everyone because no one makes fun of me for putting toothpaste on my pimples at night or wearing 3 braids at night to make my hair curly. I'm not used to people not making fun of me. Even when it is in jest, I still get made fun of.
OH we watched the movie Amistad last night, and it was WOW! There was some nudity I def could have done without, but what a fantastic movie. It is about slaves in Africa who led an uprising on the ship when they were being brought to America. There was a guy translating English to Mende for the lawyer, and the lawyer said something about "what I should have said," and the translator said, "I can't translate that. We don't have should in our language, either you do something or you don't." Then the African man who was imprisoned said, "What kind of a place is this where you almost mean what you say? Where laws almost work? How can you live like that?" I thought those quotes were really interesting.
Alright, I guess that's all for now.

Psalm 9

2009-06-04T21:01:00.003-04:00

I will praise You, O Lord, with my whole heart - I don't want to hold back anymore. And I don't want any more conditions or ways I think you should be loving me. I just want to let you love me and allow myself to love you in return.

I will tell of Your marvelous works - I want to live my life in light of Your majesty, especially with my family and those with whom it is easy to be comfortable without intentionality in our interactions.

I will be glad and rejoice in You - when things don't make sense. When it is easy to just get angry at people, I will choose to look to You and rejoice in You, knowing that You are taking care of me.

I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High - because I am nothing without You. I will praise Your name, not my own. Give to God what is God's... and that's everything. That's all of me. You deserve all of it.

Do not let man prevail. Put them in fear, O Lord, that the nations may know themselves to be but men - who am I? Not because of who I am, but because of who you are. Oh God, ask us, " Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Can you lift up your voice to the clouds, that an abundance of water may cover you?"

I will praise You with my whole heart, I will tell of Your marvelous works, I will be glad and rejoice in You, I will sing praise to Your name - because You alone are worthy, and I cannot even stand without your strength soaring through my heart, my veins, my muscles - without Your breath of life granting me the honor of praising Your holy name.

Unless

2009-04-30T17:15:00.001-04:00

“Impossible,” she said, “It can never be…unless”
“Unless?” he asked, “What do you mean?”
“I mean I need you to fix…”
“Me? Fix? What can I fix?”
“Fix this because it has to be you.
“Fix this because otherwise…”
“Otherwise what?”
“Otherwise we can never be”
“Be what?”
(“I’m saying if you want me,
You have to be a man”)
“She won’t be happy either way,
Whether we’re together or apart.”
(“but I want to be together”)
“We need a solution.
I don’t know what to do unless…”
(“unless you want me enough to be brave”)
“I don’t know.”
“You do know. Just tell me.”
(“Tell you that if you love me,
You have to do something now?
You have to say something,
You have to fix this.
You should want to fix this.”)
“Unless you say something…take action”
“ Why do you need action? I love you…”
(“Then fix this.”)
“…But we can’t be together if this tension remains…”
“That’s what I was trying to say all along!”
“Really? Then why didn’t you just say it?”

Why Bother

2009-04-29T12:57:00.003-04:00

It is the worst feeling to feel like you shouldn't bother doing something because you aren't good enough. It's interesting how that works. I mean sometimes being around greatness can inspire you to greatness. That's how my brother feels. He feels honored to be friends with very talented and intelligent people. It keeps him on guard to be the best he can be. I don't know, it's just hard for me because sometimes I'll think that I'm a good singer, and then I just feel so completely the opposite when I'm around others. It makes me feel like, why should I even bother? For instance, I tried out for some solos in choir, and I felt like I sang really well! But I didn't get any of them. So what does that mean for me? I also felt this way at my band practice the other night. The new members for next year were at practice, and there's a new girl who will be filling my shoes. I felt like everyone was complimenting her, and I didn't even have a place in the group. It was such a strange feeling for me. I mean, Ryan and I share music. So Sarah was sharing music with us, but it was too hard with three people on one set of music. So I just stepped away and was awkwardly positioned the whole practice. I just felt so inadequate the whole night since they were complimenting her harmonies and stuff. It made me feel like they probably don't think I'm a worthwhile member of the group because I can't harmonize like that. I felt like why should I even bother being there. I know it's ridiculous. That's the old me coming out.
But the real reason I'm bummed is because my writing hasn't been the best lately. I don't know why. I guess it's because I've lost my muse. Or perhaps I've said everything already. That scares me because what if Ryan isn't the one, and then some other guy comes along someday... will I not be able to write poetry about it because I've already said it all? If so, I mean, I wouldn't regret it because I love some of the stuff I've written. Anyway, that was not what I was meaning to write... I think the main reason that I haven't been able to write lately is because I feel like my writing is no good. When I start reading the blog from Cornerstone church and the amazing talent in writing these people have, it makes me feel like why should I bother writing because nothing I write even comes close. Jake has this gift with words that produces these descriptions that are so acute and passionate. It almost makes me jealous. I try to think that his style of writing is just different than mine; mine is more just direct and honest. That's what is so intriguing about my poetry--the directness and genuine nature of it. I don't know, that's what I always thought anyway. I've just been feeling discouraged because it feels like my dreams are being shattered as I realize that I'm just average. I never wanted to be average.
It makes me wonder whether I should even be reading that blog, if that is how it makes me feel. On the other hand, don't I want to be in the presence of greatness so it can inspire me? I don't know!!

Sun and Rain

2009-04-25T00:23:00.003-04:00

I was looking at the grass tonight, and it was SO green. It was probably greener than I've ever seen grass before. Of course they just sprayed it with fertilizer or whatever, so that explains it. But I just got to thinking about how grass needs sun and rain to grow. If it's just rain, it will get flooded out, and of course you know what happens to those worms in the rain. It's important to keep the worms in that soil!!! But then the sun is so important for the grass to do it's photosynthesis or whatever. I'm no scientist. My point is, grass can't get by with just the sun. And it can't survive on pure rain either. For grass (or any plants?) to survive, they need the perfect balance of sun and rain.
I always try to wish away the rain in my life, but I guess it's important. If it was sunny all the time, I'd dry up and shrivel away. Or die of thirst.
I'm reminded of an interesting quote I found online by Kahlil Gibran: "We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them." Do we? Does that make it my fault? And if I could do this all over again, would I? Or would I change it? Would I wish it never had happened?
All I know is that it hurts like hell. It is raining and pouring, and my worms are exploring... the pavement... where they die... and all I can do is keep praying for more worms. All you can do is have faith that the rain is making the grass green, and at the end of it all, there will still be some worms for my soil.

Silliness

2009-03-26T15:29:00.008-04:00

When I was in 9th grade, I was dating this guy named Ben. We were dating at the end of the school year, and then the summer came around. All of a sudden, it seemed like everytime I called him, he was busy playing basketball. His parents said they would have him call, but he never called! So I just figured, Ben must not like me anymore. Then last summer, I met a guy at work, and we realized we had a mutual friend in Ben. I learned that this guy was the one playing basketball with Ben! I know this is totally random, but I was thinking about this the other day, and it made me smile. It was kind of a strange emotion because I really just experienced God's goodness when thinking about that memory.
That's weird, right? But on the other hand, why is it so weird to experience God in things like that? Actually, when I reminisce about the past, it is often an outpouring of praise for God's goodness. Sometimes it's a praise that He has taken me so far and taught me so much since that time, but other times it's just His glory made manifest in the innocence and silliness of my teenage years.
You remember me mentioning Cole and Jozay, my middle schoolers who started dating? Well, Jozay broke up with Cole because "he was just so weird... he dances all the time!" That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. I see God in that so much. God's glory shines in the innocence of middle schoolers. Someday, I pray that Jozay will look back on breaking up with Cole because of his incessant dancing and praise God for the silliness.

Junior Highers

2009-03-08T13:47:00.008-04:00

I just got back last night from a junior high retreat with the youth group at my church. It was a really great weekend, and I really enjoyed getting to know the junior highers more. Relating to junior highers is way different than senior highers. In senior high, kids are more set in who they are. I'm closer to that age, so I can really be open with them and give advice that they can understand and relate to. With junior high, the kids are so innocent. I know they aren't as innocent as I like to pretend, but they haven't experienced a lot of things that really define a person.
I had a lot of conversations this weekend with the girls about the boys they like, and it was really sweet to hear the one girl get excited about hugging the guy she just recently started dating. Cole and Jozay started dating on Thursday night after youth group. Sam called Cole and asked him out for Jozay, and he said that Jozay needed to call herself because if they couldn't talk directly, things just wouldn't work out. So Jozay called, with Sam still on the line, and they had a three-way phone conversation that resulted in Jozay and Cole getting together.
Junior high is a really cool age because people are so innocent. I mean how simple of a fact is it that if Jozay can't talk to Cole directly, things won't work out, but it is one of those simple truths that we sometimes forget when we're older. With their fresh minds, they know these things so Cole makes sure that he and Jozay are able to actually talk. What would be the point of dating if you aren't actually going to talk to the person? Now that we're older, things just seem so much more complicated. Granted, there is a lot more stuff to communicate when we're talking about a person we want to spend our lives with or whatever. But sometimes we can't really communicate how we feel to that person. Did we forget how you have to be able to communicate to make a relationship work?
The girls were telling me lots of stories about a missions trip they had all gone on. They had a lot of fun stories like how one girl wouldn't get up off the floor, so another girl sat on her. I feel like it is this kind of conversations that really make you closer to a person because you are seeing their personality. I know it isn't that deep, but those stories are the day-in and day-out occurrences that made that person smile. With stories like that, you could never run out of things to talk about.
In fact, I was just thinking about how my roommate Joy and I have conversations about silly, little things like when you know you're expecting your period, so you're hyper sensitive all the time, thinking that you just got it. Sorry that's kind of gross, but it made me smile when I thought about that conversation because it was just so random and trivial, but it made me feel close to Joy.
There's something about the innocence of a junior higher that strikes me because I love those little stories, and I love getting excited about hugging a boy. That's actually why I told Sam it is okay if she changes her mind about who she likes. If she likes one guy on Friday and changes her mind to like another boy on Saturday, that's okay. They have a lot to learn, that's for sure. But to see the way that Cole can know that if you're dating someone, you need to be able to communicate... well, as simple as it sounds, it's so true. He's going to grow and build on that, and it's cool to see that he has a solid foundation to build on.
That's what impacting junior highers is all about because junior high is the foundation. I know we tend to remember our middle school experience as something we wouldn't want to do again, and we were so silly chasing after boys all the time and whatever... but that innocence that they have is something to be treasured. I really value the opportunity to be a person that the kids can look up to and trust because as much as I can impact them, they are impacting me in ways that no other experience can do. God is really working at PBIC, and it just makes me so excited sometimes that I want to roll around in a field of wildflowers or sing at the top of my lungs so that everyone could hear how amazing God is!

Kate and Leo

2009-03-04T23:47:00.011-05:00

So I was watching Titanic the other day. I hadn't wanted to watch it since I was in 6th grade or some time around there because I always thought it was cheesy. But it was on TV, so I figured that meant a. it probably shortened it up a bit and b. they wouldn't show the nudity that always made me uncomfortable. So I watched it, and I'm not ashamed to say that I cried... a lot. Of course when you watch a movie like that, you know that, inevitably, the boat is going to sink, and half the people on the ship are going to die. And you know that a love so amazing as that of Kate and Leo was going to end tragically. So why is it that this fake movie love could be so inspiring? It's funny because after watching that movie, I was looking at quotes from the movie Love Actually, and the little kid and the father in that movie say "we need Kate and Leo," and they go watch Titanic. Then later, the father tells the boy that there isn't one person for everyone, and the boy says, "There was for Kate and Leo. There is for me"
The first event in the movie that precipitated my tears was when Kate gets off the lifeboat and goes down to the bottom floor to find Leo. She goes down the elevator, and when she reaches the bottom floor, there is a flood of ocean water that scares the crap out of the elevator operator. But Kate is determined to find Leo. (By the way, I can't think of Kate's movie name, so I have resolved to call them Kate and Leo.) And though I was watching the movie by myself, I said out loud, "That's real love." Love that makes you look past your fear like that to save someone, that is love. I was moved from the gut, to say the least. I was thinking about me in that situation because I have to say, I would be absolutely terrified if I were on a sinking ship (of course, it is mandatory for ships to have enough lifeboats for all passengers so it wouldn't be quite the same situation). But I am so scared of deep water, I almost cried when I watched the end of the ship go down, and you could see the size of the ship and the ocean compared to the individual people. That ocean was so dark and frigid. It would take an extraordinary love that would make me face that kind of fear.
People always insist that life isn't like movies. But I think it's time to clarify what that means. When I say I believe that life isn't like a movie, what I mean is that I'm not going to be in a situation where I have to go to the bottom of a ship to save the man I love in the midst of the ship sinking. I bet most people aren't put in life or death situations where they have to actually take a bullet for the person they love. But I think we are so drawn to movies and the situations because they really heighten the feelings that we already have. Love makes you brave and selfless like that. Maybe you won't have to utilize that courage in such vicarious situations, but I want to live every day as if I am crawling up on that cross and dying for the man I love. And when we women desire a man to rescue us, that's what it comes down to. It doesn't mean that the man you love beats up somebody who made fun of you. It means he is dying to himself and looking at your needs above his. He wakes up every morning and says how can I show love to this woman as Christ would have me do?
I don't know if this sounds lame, but that's what I see when I see Kate and Leo. They loved each other, so they didn't have wishy washy expressions of love. No, they dove in whole-heartedly. I think that's the kind of love that all of us are dreaming that God will bless us with, and that's the kind of love that we want to be able to express ourselves. So even though the situations that movies put people are in not something that normal middle-class Americans will experience, the emotion can be absolutely real. In fact, I think it's almost harder to be a hero to the one you love when you aren't having to actually take a bullet. That means you have to get up on a cross and die every day for that person. You have to figure out what that means in your lives when you aren't slaying dragons or fighting a disease or sinking in the Titanic.
I think before we keep dreaming about falling in love, we need to consider what the implications of real love is. I don't want anything less than what Kate and Leo had. I believe that God desires me to be a woman who will die daily for her husband, and he wants to bless me with a man who will die daily for me. It will be like in this poem that I wrote the day before Ryan and I broke up actually, in December.

So won't you come cover me,
lay down your life,
desire to present me faultless,
and trust that I've already been rescued.
God won't let me fall.
HE won't let me drown.
I'm all in because He has covered me,
but won't you take the honor of being
His hands,
His heart,
His love, His word in the flesh,
And I will do the same for you, my love.

40

2009-02-11T20:45:00.002-05:00

Create in me a clean heart, O God,
cuz something in me is waiting to restart.
You wiped out everything, everything,
and now I know why the caged bird sings.
It's a loss that I can no longer control,
feeling the strength of his absence in this black hole,
and wondering why I still have to wait
when I'm not sure if You govern by so-called fate.
Forty days that have seemed an eternity long,
being silenced when we haven't finished our song.
Are you writing the verse, perfecting the melody,
as I wait on this mountain for the leveling of the sea?
I have to believe that You can fix anything.
I have to believe that I can ask You anything
because separation from him is unlike anything,
and I believe You have created everything.
Because of You, I know that I am free,
so renew a right spirit within me.
It's because of You that I love him, and because I love him,
I want to abandon ship, but I can't swim.
They say if it doesn't come back once you've let it go,
then it was never really yours to hold.
So what does it mean when I continue to yearn,
in every moment, for his heart to return?
While his heart wishes for some clear sign
that his will and Yours are in line,
I wonder and I wait for him to run through the wall for me.
God, please make it happen, please make him see
that everything You have created is good--
that apart, we can't do as much as together we could.
I have to believe that You will fix this heart.
I have to believe that You have crafted this heart--
that You alone design love that makes me give my heart,
because something in me is waiting to restart.

Picture Me

2009-02-08T20:41:00.001-05:00

I picture your eyes
wishing they could stare into mine,
while secretly catching a glance
of my hair blowing in the wind.
I picture your smile
as you think of my laugh,
and those times we stayed up
all night talking about nothing.
I picture you--
not knowing what to do,
not knowing what's okay,
only knowing that you love me.
I see you running because it's too much,
and there's too much risk.
Cuz we have so much love...
and it's just too scary.
But then I picture me--
telling you that there's so much to lose
if we don't live out our love story
that God has given us.
And even though you have to win the trust
that you lost when you left again,
it's worth it.
You know we're worth it.
I picture me grabbing your hand,
I say, “Baby, what we have is real. Don't give up.”
And you smile and say, “I'm all in.
Please just give me one last chance.”
But all I see is the back of your head,
as you walk the other direction
trying not to picture how you'd grab my hand,
how you'd say you love me in 50 languages,
how you'd fight for my heart...
if only you thought it was okay.

Seeing Things Differently

2009-02-02T22:51:00.003-05:00

I was thinking the other day about my elementary school. I've been back there since I've been an adult, and it is the weirdest thing that the playground seems so small, and even the bathrooms are so low to the ground. Obviously, they are made for children, but the thing is, I have been this same height since I was in 5th grade. So the playground shouldn't seem small and the sinks shouldn't seem so low to the ground. Why is it that I see things differently now?
It's the same thing with situations that I used to be faced with. How childish it seems that I used to think I would marry Travis back when I was in middle school, how weird that I dated Andy Reynolds, the guy who said "bros before hos" to me. Seriously, he said that, and I continued dating him. That just seems ridiculous now, but I didn't see that at the time. I don't mean for both of those examples to be about boys cuz that isn't the point I'm trying to make. It's just that as time goes by, you have such a different frame of mind that shapes how you look at things.
I always believed that you could only fall in love once. I believed it would only happen to me once. What that means to me is that, well in middle school, I thought I loved Travis. And in my own right, I did. But I was not truly in love with him.
Travis is the only guy I ever said I loved other than Ryan. But future experience has taught me that I didn't know what love was back then. I moved forward with what I had at that time, a working definition of love.
It just makes me think, will I someday move on and get married and think that I was not truly in love with Ryan? I guess it kind of scares me to think that I might not think that someday. I guess it would be a good thing because it would mean something better came along. But you see, I have volumes of poetry written from these past two years. I regret nothing I have said or felt or done. When I look at the poetry, that is where God has taken me for the past two years of my life. It has been quite the journey. It's something that is like, WOW God! To experience something that powerful, that real is something to behold. Of course I feel things really deeply, which is why the poetry comes out as it does. The poetry just attests to the great magnitude of God's ability to create something out of nothing. Love out of an initial annoyance.
I wouldn't want that poetry to mean something different than it means to me now. I mean, it isn't about the poetry, obviously. But if I were to fall in love with someone else someday, does that mean that I fell in love twice? And regarding the poetry, does that mean that poetry will be seen differently? I don't want to see things differently. I don't want to fall in love twice. Not for nostalgia's sake. Not for comfort's sake. Not for my sake, not for his. But for everything I am and everything I have learned that has culminated into where I am right now... I know that there is no way I will look back at this and think it wasn't real, true love. For the sake of everything that God is calling me to, I have to believe and trust that it's real and always will be. For the sake of what I feel God has for my life, I have to just be where I am and committed to that. You might call this, letting go. But letting go means saying, "God, you know that this is what I would love to happen someday. This is how I feel. But my hands are open, you can take it away. But until you take it away, I'm going to be committed to it because right now, this is where you are calling me. I'm going to hold onto it, but my hands are open for you to do Your will." So my love is a working definition, always working. The question is whether you can be committed to working on that definition together or not. And I guess someday, if things look different, at least I can say that I was committed to going forward where I was with what I had.

Elijah - 1 Kings 19

2009-01-26T21:51:00.001-05:00

A poem I wrote

“God, I did all you wanted.
I passionately served you.
What was it all worth?
Cuz here I am alone.
Now you led me to this cave.
It has been nearly forty days.
It just doesn't make any sense.”
Then you said to stand on the mountain...
You said, “just wait here for me.
I'm going to pass by you,
just watch the mountains shatter.”
So I watched everything cave in,
crash down,
and burn.
And you asked me again why I'm here.
“I'm here, alone, and I don't know why;
all I was doing was following you.
Why would you leave me in this cave?”
But you don't apologize
because your will is perfect,
and everything shattered,
caved in,
crashed down,
and burned
all at your command.
“Let it be,” you said, and it was.
And it was, and it wasn't, and it will be,
or maybe it won't be.
Sometimes I don't want to be obedient
because it seems ridiculous.
If I'm being honest, it just doesn't make sense.
And I may never understand.
But one thing is for certain:
obedience is too easy
if you already know what is to come.

Thin Lines

2009-01-10T15:24:00.004-05:00

I'm finding that life is so complex because there's nature and nurture, predestination and choice, decisions to make and destiny to accept, and on top of all those factors interplaying to create reality as it is, there are the thin lines and boundaries, which we create because we can't handle things being so complex, that are actually quite blurrier than we like to let on between my thoughts and God's, my will and God's--in essence all the aforementioned factors of nature, nurture, predestination, choice. We're not comfortable with the fact that we might love someone because God wants us to love him or her, thus it is both our will and God's will, our heart and God's heart, it is a choice and a predestined predisposure to love that person, it's a decision that must be made and a destiny to accept.
It is, furthermore, taking into account that maybe the lines are meant to be blurry, that maybe things are meant to be complex, and since it is so... it's too simplistic for me to feel like I'm the only one who is hurting or has the best viewpoint because the complexity is, everyone seems to have a different reality when it comes to certain situations. And sometimes it isn't a matter of whether something is right or wrong, sometimes it's just this or that. We want to boil things down to right or wrong because we like the lines, we are comfortable with having lines... but it can't always be that simple. It's too bad sometimes because if it were just a matter of right and wrong, things would be easier to get over.

Choice

2009-01-04T19:31:00.004-05:00

"I always thought that there was this one perfect person for everybody in the world, you know, and when you found that person the rest of the world kind of magically faded away, and, you know, the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble, but there is no bubble, I mean if there is you have to make it, I just think life is more than a series of moments, you know, we can make choices, and we can choose to protect the people we love, and that's what makes us who we are and those are the real memories"
-Forces of Nature

So it's not that I think movies offer a lot of truth or something, but here's why I quote that...
I mentioned before that I stressed about deciding what school to go to, but God is down either path. God is with me wherever I go... He is going to take care of me. That's the same with choosing what I do after I graduate now. I've applied two places: an environmental school and an internship at a non-profit in DC. Let's say I get accepted both of these places. *crosses fingers* I believe that I could go to the environmental school, and God would be there, and that would offset a set of events. Or I could go to the internship, and God would be there too, and that would just offset a different set of events. And if it is predestined that I do one of those... how could I ever make the wrong decision? Wouldn't whatever decision I make be the correct one? But obviously I have to apply places and make a choice--take some action--because if not, nothing is going to happen.
If I don't choose to cultivate relationships, I won't have any.
If you take someone like Mother Theresa... this amazing woman prayed and said, "God tell me where you want me to go, and I will go without delay." She felt called to go to Calcutta when she was on a train, and so when she got back to her nunnery or whatever it's called, she got right to action and asked permission to leave. They didn't let her go. But she didn't stop trying. I say all this to say that Mother Theresa is all about action.
I just think it is dangerous to say that everything is predestined because doesn't that make you just feel like you should just sit back and let things happen to you? But if you never move, you just stay where you are. And if you never move, you are making a choice; the choice is inaction.

Trusting

2009-01-03T13:46:00.002-05:00

Honestly, sometimes I just want to scream. I don't know why things have to be so hard and complicated; why can't we just be? Why do we always have to second guess things? Does God intend for us to be so wishy washy? THIS is the problem with meaning. No one knows themselves what they mean or how they feel, so how in the world can someone else even begin to understand how someone feels? And since we can't know if we feel something because we do or because we are just fooling ourselves, and we, likewise, can't know if someone else feels something for real or not, then what are we left with? All we can do is cast down everything that sets itself against the pretensions of Christ.
Romantic movies have set us up believe that if things are meant to be, you will both pick the same elevator floor, or that you can write your phone number in a book and the right person will find it in a second-hand bookstore. But what if that's not how God works. What if what it takes is commitment? What if trusting God means being committed to not running away--trusting that if you feel led to, it's okay to choose to pick the same floor on the elevator as someone else? What if trusting God means trusting that He has given you a love, a passion for someone or something, and He wants you not to ignore it?

God is Bigger

2009-01-01T19:53:00.011-05:00

I remember at LCBC this summmer they were doing a series about different characteristics of God. There was one particular sermon that sticks out in my mind, and I don't really recall what characteristic they were focusing on that day or anything, but at the beginning of the sermon, David Ashcraft asks who had been to the Grand Canyon. He said how gorgeous it is and how much he loved visiting there, and then he said that he wanted to show the people who have never been there just how awesome it is. So he takes his piece of gum out of his mouth and tries to mold it into the shape of the Grand Canyon as a representation. Well obviously, this is just absurd because a piece of gum does not compare to the beauty of the Grand Canyon.
It makes me think about how we can't possibly understand the scope of God's nature. Any explanation that we have of God falls short because there's no way to describe that kind of immensity, that scope of timelessness.
God is just that big.
So I just think that God is way bigger than any "doctrines of grace" or doctrines of Arminianism. This is something Joy and I talked about recently. It was interesting that she brought it up because I had been thinking it. She posed the question, "What if free will and God's elect coincide?" Maybe they do. In a more easily understandable example... sometimes we pray to God as Father, sometimes as Savior, as King, as Lover of our souls. You can see the difference especially with girls who are taught that Jesus is their bridegroom. Jesus is, in essence, the perfect boyfriend. Well, guys certainly don't view Jesus that way. I know that people have different roles also, but not in the complex way that God does. God plays all roles at all times. He meets you right where you need him. I can sometimes be a friend to my mom, but mostly, I'm a daughter. We are stuck in those roles to one another. But God is all types of relationships, all forms of love at the same time.
So isn't it possible that God is all things, and you can approach him differently depending on who you are. I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm stepping on ultimate truths because that is definitely not my aim, but what if predestination appeals to me because I like the view of God's love securing me. It isn't forced love to me, but rather God grabbed me so I couldn't fall off the cliff. He loved me that much that He didn't just reach out his hand, He grabbed me! On the other hand, some people like to feel a little more freedom in choice, and so if they want to feel that God held out his hand, and they chose to take it... well, I used to argue that this was a fundamental difference in the nature of God. But what if it isn't? What if God is both views put together?
I wouldn't expect our logic to understand it because God is God, and we are not. He is so much bigger than anything we can understand! And that is AWESOME!

Rescue

2008-12-25T00:22:00.004-05:00

I've always been afraid that one wrong move on my part would mess up God's whole plan for me. I remember when I was thinking about which college to choose, I imagined that there were two paths at a fork in the road, and I had to choose the correct one because God was only down one of them. That's when God reassured me that A. take one step at a time! and B. I am with you WHEREVER you go. God would be with me at whatever college I had chosen. I wrote a poem last year that played on the distress signal of mayday, and I don't know how they spell that as a distress signal, but its origins are from the words m'aidez, which is "help me" in French. Anyway the poem is me asking God what his plan is, and I'm at the end of my rope. So I retreat, and I say God, m'aidez! And he says to the angels, mayday someone is messing up the plan! As if me retreating from the situation was messing up his plan. I asked the questions, "Am I messing up the plan by giving up?/ Is he messing up the plan by being afraid?"
But my point is... how preposterous to think that little old me could mess up God's sovereign plans with one stupid little blunder?? My Almighty God's perfect will messed up by me having a word vomit situation or some other small mistake?
I trust that my God is WAY bigger than me. I trust that His plans will not be ruined, detoured, or prevented by my dumb mistakes because He is so much more powerful than that! God is taking care of me. Cuz let's face it... I'm a dumb human. I feel like sometimes God slaps me on the back of the head as if to say, why did ya do that, Jess? I'm not talking about sinning, but just wrong ways of handling situations, I guess. I'm definitely guilty of handling situations incorrectly, but God always steps in and says, whydya do that? But He loves me! He loves me so much, and He rescues me everytime.
It brings to mind a song that I absolutely love by Ten Shekel Shirt called "You Rescue." This song is so comforting to me because I feel so powerless all the time. There's a situation in my family that I just can't do anything about... and it hurts so much, but I have to remember that God is sovereign, and He rescues, He intervenes. "He will NEVER stop restoring what's been lost." And in other situations that I'm dealing with, all I can do is keep pressing on, knowing that God rescues and restores our lives. I just have to trust that I'm not going to mess it up by making a wrong move. God has a plan, and it will be.

"remember the former things of old; for I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning and from ancient times things not yet done, saying, 'My counsel shall stand, and I will accomplish all my purpose,'" (Isa. 46:9-10)
"For the LORD of hosts has purposed, and who will annul it? His hand is stretched out, and who will turn it back?" (Isa. 14:27)

Yes, God is bigger than the boogeyman. Which is good cuz sometimes I, myself, am the boogeyman.

Why We Read

2008-12-15T16:08:00.001-05:00

So as I was taking my final the other day in lit theory, I was thinking about why I think it's important to read literature. I feel like most people don't appreciate Beowulf or Hamlet, and that's too bad. What I find so incredible about literature is that it all fits into the entire scheme of the world. Plato quotes, "Poetry comes nearer to vital truth than history." That's a pretty powerful statement. But when I think about history, I realize that it is so subjective. Joy and I had a conversation about the validity of different accounts of history, and she asked what if a Nazi wrote an account and said the Holocaust didn't happen? I don't know how we could reconcile that... but on one hand, it really does just prove the point that people come in with their own bias to things. All history accounts contain whatever the author chose to put in there. So I'd guess that German history books look a little different than ours that talk about the six million people who died in the Holocaust. Yes, you can't change the facts. But you can pick and choose which ones to write and give a certain tone that allows someone to be the victim while another is the victimizer. So you can have the English colonists' perspective of coming to America, or there's the very different version that the Indians would tell you. Whose version holds more truth? Well they both combine to form the whole of things.
So the fact remains that history is different than literature because a lot of literature is fiction. Theorists have debated about why we read, what we should read, and how we should read... and they all come up with different ideas. Do we read for pleasure in the aesthetic, or do we read so that we can see the problems in politics, society, discrimination, etc. and feel empowered to make a change in the world? Does Beowulf tell us what kind of leader we should value? Well what if it is all the above? I think that there is a lot of literature that was just meant to be read for pleasure, just to get lost in the story and the characters... which means that we overanalyze sometimes. But even if Jane Austen isn't making some political statement with Pride and Prejudice in reinforcing the status quo of women having to find a man to attach themselves to or defying the status quo when Darcy marries a woman in a lower station than him.... well, even if that wasn't her purpose, we can see a perspective of life in the 1700's that we wouldn't normally get to experience. It's an experience much different than reading a history book about life in England in the 1700's. When you read and get in the head of a slave or a prisoner of war or a Catholic immigrant from Ireland... well you can know all the facts of the Vietnam War, and that's one thing... but to feel the experience of a POW, whether fact or fiction, that is another thing entirely. I strongly believe that it is absolutely necessary to expand your worldview and understand that the world is a lot bigger than what you feel and experience. What do we know about life besides being a white American in the middle class? Do we know anything about being so poor that there's nothing else to do but sell your children to a brothel? Could we ever comprehend NOT having water to drink? Do we know what it is like to live in a country torn by war? NO we don't, but if we did... I imagine we'd start thinking differently. And I wouldn't say it is the author of a text that changed our lives, our mode of thinking... but I'd say it definitely contributes. How could poetry come nearer to vital truth than history? Poetry doesn't just state the facts. It gives you more than just a statistic. It shows you the actual experience.
So here we are, making high schoolers read Hamlet and testing them on the facts... what is Hamlet's girlfriend's name? How does Polonius die? Well that makes literature just a bunch of facts. Wouldn't it be a lot more interesting to debate about whether Hamlet was pretending to be crazy or actually was crazy? Or why he didn't kill Claudius when he had the chance several times? I don't know, it's just a suggestion. I sure wish I had the chance to debate this in high school when I read Hamlet. I know part of that is just me being nerdy, but hey, if you have to read Hamlet, you can't deny that it you would get a lot more out of the experience of debating questions like this--questions that literary critics have been debating since forever-- rather than answering what happens to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Literature is really powerful, and I think it's time that we tap into that resource and start reading!

Between The Lines

2008-12-13T21:55:00.002-05:00

This art of making poetry
is intimacy at its deepest.
The rhythm of words
seeming to float from my paper
to my lips, and from my lips,
suspended in midair,
stopping at your ears
to relay what's between the lines.
My heart is the art of making poetry,
each word constituting a fragment of me--
my heart, the art, the intimacy.
Coming nearer to truth, nearer to me
than any other touch, look, movement.
So what poetry means to me
is everything--
the spoken and the unspoken
words combining to form the likeness of a symphony,
a perfect kiss, a dance, a Van Gogh painting.
My heart, the art, the poetry.
They are one in the same, and that's why it matters.
Creating poetry is intimacy with the one
who can read between the lines to see my heart,
to see more than just the art.

Before All Time

2008-12-09T21:35:00.003-05:00

Is it a bad thing that I'm jaded by the words of 1 Corinthians 13? I mean why don't things faze us anymore? Isn't it the most profound thing that "in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth"?! I mean WOW! We just read Jude in women's bible study, and my bible had a note that in the last verse, the Greek New Testament has the words "before all time" that New King James omitted. So it would say, "To God our Savior, who alone is wise, be glory and majesty, dominion and power BEFORE ALL TIME, both now and forever." Before all time?! I can't even fathom that. What must it mean to be before time?
Anyway, a friend of mine brought up the fact that 1 Corinthians 13 is so overdone. I agreed with her because it seems like it is quoted all the time--so much so, that we quote it like a Sunday school class that "love is patient, love is kind." Like how at church, I always know the answer to the questions at Children's time is "Jesus." BUT God is love! And we were made in God's image! Therefore, loving, as seen in 1 Cor 13, seems to be pretty high on the priority list... I read this on biblegateway in a commentary about 3 John: "The statement 'anyone who does what is evil has not seen God' calls to mind 1 John 4:20, where John stated that love for an unseen God demands love for the very unstable believer. Here, then, John means that failure to do right, to love one's fellow Christian, manifests a lack of understanding of and fellowship with the God who is love." So 1 Corinthians 13 shouldn't be a jaded passage for us. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it is not proud, it does not boast. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking... I mean okay... no need to go on, I'll admit, my love for others is sometimes envious and self-seeking. I'll admit I am not always patient or kind. So clearly, this is something I need to hear. My absolute favorite verse of this is verse 7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ALWAYS. What a strong word. And if I didn't feel like I'm already a failure at this "love," 1 John comes in and says that we only know love because Jesus laid down his life for us, so we should lay down our lives for our brothers. Let us not love in word or in tongue, but in deed and in truth. SOOO yeah, loving? Pretty important.
I think whenever we read 1 Corinthians 13, we should be like WHOA GOD! My love could never "always protect" and "always trust," but yours does! What do I know about laying down my life for someone else? What do I know about before all time?

Life Isn't Like A Movie

2008-12-08T16:24:00.003-05:00

Life isn't like a movie.

There is no beautiful hill in Austria

to run onto with my arms spread wide,

singing an impromptu song in perfect pitch.

I can't stop people dead in their tracks,

captivating them with my voice,

inspiring them to join in harmony... and choreography

that easily rivals So You Think You Can Dance.

There isn't the perfect joke at the perfect time,

the beautiful speech that heals all wounds,

the poem that reunites two people

with its language that can't be ignored.

Life isn't like a movie.

It's much messier and more complicated than that.

There isn't a rainstorm to set up the perfect kiss

after a fight in the piazza del Colosseo.

There's no room filled with flowers

or a symphony to slow dance to.

There's no surprise wedding in Ireland,

or secret notes with post scripts.

There's no hiking to the edge of a cliff

to watch the sunset in reverent stillness.

And maybe that's okay.

I always wanted that fairytale ending,

true love's kiss, white and pink lilies.

I wanted grand romantic gestures

and star-filled skies.

But I know now that life isn't a movie.

Life isn't a movie because it's much deeper than that.

Flowers, symphonies, Ireland—sometimes that happens.

But there's so much more.

Life isn't like a movie because

romance isn't the end all, be all.

The story doesn't begin with a passionate kiss

and a fairytale ending that makes all the girls cry.

As it turns out, there's so much more to desire in this life.

It's not that I don't hope for stars and lilies

or sporadic dance routines in the cafeteria.

But even more so, I want God.

I want His timing, I want His desires in my heart.

I desire His love, which tops all movie plots

and all Jane Austen novels.

I desire true joy that comes from God's sovereign plans,

not happiness from the plans I make for myself.

In short, I want all of the above--

the wedding in Ireland, the cool dance moves,

the pouring rainstorm and the hero.

But I don't want it if it's not how God wants it.

All the world's a stage, and I am merely a player

living out God's perfect script for me.

So in the end, all I can say is give me Jesus.

I cast my crowns at His throne, all my deepest dreams and desires,

knowing that He is going to be my happy ending,

and He is going to orchestrate everything in between.

I want to delight in Him, and He will guide me.

He tells me to take risks, He tells me to trust.

He tells me that real life is much deeper than movies.

So as the plot thickens, just give me Jesus.

I strove to love you in the old high way of love...

2008-12-03T22:31:00.005-05:00

With this argument of socially constructed views on love, I could also say that meaning itself can be quite subjective. I have posed the question to people of other majors of whether the real meaning of something is in the person's intentions with their words or actions OR the way that another person construes the words or actions. In other words, where is the real meaning? Is it what you meant when you said it, or how the other person took it? People always tell me that the meaning is in the person's intentions. But let me back up a little before I say why I disagree...
I'm a literature major, which basically means that I'm an art major. It's not all that practical in the "real world," but for matters like this, I find it to be quite relevant. While listening to my roommate's violin recital today, I was thinking that one of her songs reminded me of rain falling. But I'm certain that isn't what the composer intended because the title was something to do with a dance--some word I can't recall that reminded me of obelisk. And I wondered what imagery that song brought to Ryan or anyone else for that matter because I'm certain we would think of different things. Perhaps this is different than literature, but since I'm a poet, and I make everything into a metaphor, I take the differing ways that we approach or understand literature to be the same concept. When I read the poem "Adam's Curse" by W.B. Yeats last year, the poem made me think that anything worth having is not going to be easy. But that's where my life was at the time. That's my general outlook on life. So I wrote an essay about how love takes work, but it is worth it! AND in that same class, I wrote another essay on a Frost poem "To Earthward" that, again, I was drawn to because Frost says "I crave the stain of tears, the aftermark of almost too much love." I felt that Frost was saying that when you let love in, you also let the bad in; it's inevitable and it's bittersweet. My life had taught me these very lessons.
So why do I mention all of this? Whatever intentions Frost and Yeats had with their poems may or may not have been accomplished, so it does no good to focus too much on their intentions. An author's intentions definitely weighs on the meaning of something, and I would never argue that any interpretation of a text is valid. BUT it just goes to show you that our social background that we bring into something determines what we take the meaning of something to be.
If I say, "I love you," what does that mean? In my head, I might be saying, "I love you like a brother," but Bob Snickerdoodle might be thinking I mean, "I love you, and I want to have your children." Obviously, my intentions matter, but Bob's take on my words, provided that he is using evidence of my body language and actions, are valid too.
It gets tricky. Again with defending the "love languages," I'll say that we have been socially constructed to value certain "love languages" over others. When I write poems and give them to people, I mean it in the most sincere way. It's sad to think that someone may not value my words because words of affirmation mean less to them than they do to me. He or she wouldn't understand that what I'm saying is I love you this much that I would devote myself to language, syntax and punctuation to try to explain my love to you. It's an act of service, and it's a gift. Well, this is why we are all so confused. We think we are showing our love, but really, the other person isn't getting it. And who is to blame? Where is the real meaning found? Is the real meaning in my intention when I write a poem to someone, or is the meaning in the way that the other person construes (or misconstrues) my poetry? Cuz after all, who knows if what I intended for the text was even accomplished?

What is Love?

2008-12-02T14:05:00.000-05:00

I would argue until I'm blue in the face that most of who we are as individuals or communities is socially constructed. That's not to say that we are born tabula rasa--completely devoid of anything that makes baby A different from baby B other than the obvious biological differences. But really, why is it that I love Jesus? Why do I love the environment? Why am I drawn to a guy like Ryan instead of some other type of guy--the beach boy as opposed to the thug or the bad boy? The kinds of values we are exposed to from family, friends, media, literature, etc. really define for us what matters and what doesn't. So it only makes sense to me that there would be developments of different "love languages" among people; we each have learned, from our unique exposure to the world, HOW to love other people.
I was at the Wal-mart one day, and I overheard a couple having an argument about a litter box. They had a little boy with them who heard everything, from the woman snapping at the man to the man cowering at the woman's dominance. I couldn't help but pray for that little boy and the type of destructive love relationship that he was witnessing. How will this boy grow up and relate to a woman someday?
I've wondered whether or not we can really know love and show it to others if we don't understand the love of Christ. In 1 John 4:9-10, John really lays out what genuine love is according to God. He sent his son for us because he wanted communion with us. He loved us first. He took the initiative to seek us through a sacrifice, though we are undeserving. "By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us." THEREFORE, "... we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren" (1 John 3:16). What I'm trying to say is that the way that I understand what love is to any capacity is because I know how Jesus has been beaten and crucified for me. What greater example of love could there be? Mr. Darcy pales in comparison.
So I think of that little boy who is going to grow up with a distorted view of what love is and how he should love others. Sorry if this sounds extreme, as if witnessing that one fight is going to affect the rest of that boy's life, but I truly believe that our expectations of how we'd like to be shown love as well as the ways we show love ourselves are constructed by the examples we see. In light of that, no wonder we are so confused!
All I can say is that I've seen a lot of different love scenarios because I read novels and watch movies, and I'm at the age where everyone is starting to get engaged or married. I've compared my own life with these people, but I've come to realize that comparisons like this are just worthless because the only thing I should be comparing the way I love and relate to others is through Jesus' example. It's the only perfect love out there, and while my love is never going to reach the depths of the love of Christ, I am absolutely convicted that THAT is the example by which we should be constructing our views on love. It just wouldn't make sense to follow any other model.